there are so many things I wish you could have seen too

like going on a hiking trip in Russia. The nightly camp fires and Toby singing until the morning dawned.
The fog at the morning when we gathered to sing before heading to our next goal along the Chapior river. I was standing there, slightly shivering in the cold morning breeze, when all of the sudden this magical song rose into the sky, 'Finland, my beloved Fatherland...' in three voices and like a bird my heart flew straight through the mist into the sky to kiss the morning sun.
Or the storm that blew the cotton flowers over the steppe alongside the river and it looked like a snow storm...
I wish you could have tried to get through this tiny window in the old church in the French/Spanish Pyrenees, even Dad tried although he is so claustrophobic and we danced on the roof and tried to sneak a peak into the locked chapel...and the monastry with those old paintings and the magnificent waterfall...and the water under our tent when it rained so hard....it was like floating on a raft and the trees stood strong and tall and the smell of herbs filled the air. I don't know whether I even knew the other meaning of the word 'herb' back then. Those were days of innocent love and joy.
And how I watched the eagles over the morning choire at the camping ground in the middle of nowhere with Samy. You would have liked him I know that. Ah, all these things, I wish you could have been there. I wish you could have been there. I wish everybody could have been there. It was so freaking beautiful and so nourishing. It still gives me strength.
I wish you could come with me this summer to Russia and work in this school and then go on the hiking trip with Lampi and the rest along the sidearms of the Don. I wish you could experience Russian hospitality and I wish you could hear those songs. I wish I could hear and see whatever was and is precious to you and your life my love. I wish we could have always shared all these wonderful things.
It makes me cry so hard to think that you were wounded maybe. Maybe those days were also full of hidden magical beauty and the story how you met Magdalena is really beautiful and I wish I could have seen it and seen the fire and see her dancing and then be with you guys in the tree, finding to each other, although it was maybe a game you have a heart and I am sure it was excited and loving the wild taste of a beautiful life.
I hate drugs with a passion.