HURT

I always try to transmit some happy emeralda energy when talking to you. Enthusiastically I tell you about the beautiful things I saw, the funny or odd things. But a depressed mind can't deal with that either. Have fun with your friends you say and I laugh at the thought that it's not even two days ago that you have expressed in all earnesty that you are past the point of jealousy. You are not. Maybe you never will. But my Mom said jealousy is good. She said, you can only get THAT jealous (I am sure you can even get a little more jealous than THAT lol) but then something happens. You transform. You reach a new level of love and trust, that you would have never experienced hadn't it been for the pressure of jealousy and the effort to deal with it.
So I wrote you a letter. A letter of commitment. I wrote you that I would not get involved with anybody unless I know for SURE that you are not the one. I can wait. God, my Mom waited friggin three years. I can wait. Don't worry about that. I am happy to concentrate on myself now and learn and get stronger and get ready for life. My love to you keeps me company. It helps me not to get so distracted anymore.
I wrote you that there is nothing you can do to lose me unless it is merely not meant to be for us.
Because..
You hurt me today so much. You said things that were completely out of it, seemingly careless and bringing me down. I was close to crying, as I was crossing the street but then I reminded myself: HURT. This is, as if a person who got paralysed was drooling on my shirt. It's nothing you can really do about. Not yet. So I exhale slowly and accept the fact that I am in love with a cripple.
It's not like you can choose when you are in touch with your heart like I am. Anything that would be superficially seen 'better' for me wouldn't work ever, unless my heart told me that it was right.
I heard my heart sing last night.