Irony of destiny

It is the mystery of repetitive lessons or chances that life imposes on us or maybe just the irony of destiny that I am sitting here in Santa Monica at my sister's apartment exactly one year after I first came here.
I know a little bit more, not much, but I am certainly slightly better in maintaining my borders when dealing with her. Like going to sleep even though she complains that I apparently don't love her although she thought I was visiting and talking to her through the night. I even didn't feel bad about that. Whatever.
I knew that it would change something, possibly so, once I come down here. I have my very own life in Hollywood it is only my life. Pathetic, slowly, what not, lalalla, but yeah it's really my life that I live. Being with my sister is different. She is crazy and she is brilliant and she is overwhelming and she is dominant like hell. You have to watch out all the time not to be devoured by her ever-lasting uninterrupted stream of ideas and proposals as to what you should do with your life. Of course, work for her, because oh there are so many insanly great opportunities that she would have certainly taken had she been in my place. You know? Like building up her production company and getting all the credit for it.
Or being in charge of my niece's charity work, which of course would look great on my CV since I want to study international relations and maybe later international law and human rights...
It's just, it has to be her way and I would be totally enthusiastic and ready to jump on the train if I didn't know that she is the best manipulator i know. She has always been 'almost' there. We have heard her talking about projects all those years, and how she always almost made it. Maybe the problem is that people do NOT jump on the train and help her... But she really made it far so far....and the situations might be better now, since my niece is successful but I am still sceptical.
What about my life? What do i really want? Do I want to get the credit for building up a company and charity work? It seems logical and desirable but I am not quite sure. There is this voice inside of me that is very wary and complicated and not so easy to shut up.
I don't know what I will do. Being here is crazy because when they mention his name all my bodily fluids miraculously find their ways to my eyes and I am a emotional throbbing sobbing mess for a few more seconds of my life. I really love you so much. It was so great to have you as a friend and a partner. I would love to call you now and ask you for your opinion about these issues here... What I should do... etc. but you are not there for me like that anymore because you are the reason why I am here in the first place.
Oh well. Updates will follow. Let's drink one to the irony of destiny....