to render effeminate - verweichlichen. a conversation with my guardian angel

'So, you say you want to be a warrior.'
'Yes, I do.'
'You are in training?'
'Yes, I am.'
'Well, do you know, that a warrior needs to be in control of her emotions?'
'I suspected that, yes.'
'That doesn't mean they can't let go, it means they choose the moment of letting go. Thus it is a training of the control switch not of the emotions themselves. You have to be able to stay pure but in control as to when you let which side rule your life. Your emotional side is extremely important to be in touch with. You have to stay sensitive so you are perceptive of the things that matter in life. But they can't be your master.'
'I understand that.'
'Keep it a secret. but be nice'
'Can a princess still be a warrior and vice versa'
'What kind of warrior do you want to be'
'Just warrior. The essence of a warrior. The cause and direction can be decided later'
'Well, a princess has to become a queen. A warrior is nothing but a queen in reality. You can choose any disguise. But essentially they are the same'
'How do you mean that'
'Well. First things first: only the queen will get the king. And you can't choose. You deserve the king so you will have to choose a king or make your choice a king.'
'And the princess gets the prince'
'Yes but she can't see him'
'why'
'because they both need to accomplish first. as long as they are in training there are only late night poetry and under the windows performed songs and secretely set up meetings. and a smile from afar, when he leaves you to go to fight.'
' - '
'so you want to be a warrior huh?'
'yes i think so'
'you think so'
'no, i want to'
'there is no inbetween'
'i know'
'being a master is one of the most difficult things. our sympathy always goes with the servants, the ones in servitude but in reality their king, the master is the purest servant of them all.'
'excuse me?'
'the notion of ruling has been tainted by the weakness of man. in actuality a real king is a healer too. he is in servitude of his people. he has to take care of them, he has to guide them. he is responsible. in a democracy those things are washed out and blurred.
don't be led into the belief that you have to govern yourself like in a democracy. it takes too much time and it weakens you ultimately.
it renders you effeminate.
if you manage to be the master of yourself it doesn't mean that you are dictating yourself or can't listen to the different voices within, quite in the contrary. you don't have to become a tyrann. it means that you are serving yourself and that you are guiding yourself like a king would guide his people. but you are the last instance. you can't let anything rule but the wise king who knows what it takes to heal.'

'i want to heal'

'i know....


... heal. First you heal yourself. Then you reach out, in an embrace.'

'I feel like crying'

'that's okay. cry.'

'no. it's okay. i will carry on.'

'it is okay to have a broken heart and cry over it. go to a river, it will help you wash your soul clean.'

'thank you for the advice'

'no problem, that's what I am here for.'

'i love you. thank you'

and then she/he was gone. but that was alright because now i feel better. i am still on the right way and i still can't breathe properly and i still love you but first things first. first i have to become a queen. i wish you good luck on your way. my LOVE.