they are saying everything is going to be alright

but i don't know what alright even means.

Bob Dylan still cuts it out for me. and I have to gather the miriads of thoughts quickly before they dwindle and disappear again in the underwoods of my shattered mind.
Trying to get to heaven before they close the door...

The little things.
How three guys approached me around midnight on pre-halloween hollyweird boulevard, grey in grey and I knew the one with the 'fro would hit on me, I just felt it coming. I hardly even looked up because I wanted to avoid the clash of eyes and just cast my gaze down to the ground, trying to get by and as we passed each other he said, 'Now! smile!' and I just smiled because he was so right and behind my back I heard him say 'see, now you are pretty!' I looked to the ground and kept the smile in my hand while my hips started to sway just a little more as I was walking, as if on little wings. 'Hey can a brother talk to you?' he dutifully tried to pursue this little magic moment that opened a tiny door in my wandering soul but I kept on walking on wings and he understood and let it go. Later I felt how someone was pacing his steps so he would be directly behind me but never catch up. It was a creepy feeling which I tried to shake off and the valet parking guy said 'hi there'. In this very moment this person - a guy of course - caught up and said 'hey, no offence but you have an ass like a sister!'
he looked very gay and a little bit run down and I smiled and said, 'thank you, that's a compliment' and it really was. Who in the world wouldn't want to have a bootelicious African behind? I wonder. If it only was true and I could place a coin on my booty. And I think of how everyone always calls me a cutie.

So I come home and think of too many things again. Such as how grown up I felt when I talked to Rico, he came back and asked me about you and I told him a little bit about what happened because he wouldn't stop asking and it's natural, I mean he was a good friend of yours and he saw it all happen. Actually that night that I kissed you for the first time, that was when I helped him find those addresses online in Berlin.
And later, how immature I felt when Tif put me down in front of Magnus about how stupid it was of me to even pick up the phone and how I should set things straight and know what I want. And make you take a decision and stop torturing myself so much. Magnus too, agreed, that you should decide what you want and that you can't keep on calling me and making me feel this way. But the same goes for me and so I guess that we are just both not really grown up yet.

The living room is great, the trees, the trees outside, I always rave about them and how great they are and they are and I love it.

I still kind of wonder. And what you want. And how I hate myself because I still love you and pissed you off again. And how I am jealous and stupid. And how and when this will ever end. And do I want it to end.

And is it going to be alright?

With an immense amount of self-containment. And I wonder all of the sudden, where the magic has gone, my enthusiasm and my beautiful colorful world. Making things special. Putting them into special words. And feeling that I could light someones fire and make someones world turn and spin and have someone crave for me in the middle of the night. Touch them and leave burning traces all across their universes. And I wonder where my craving to be a passionate woman has gone.

Because I feel so flat and so uninteresting and I never stare into people's eyes anymore, courageous, challenging, proud. I cast my eyes down and walk by in attempting grace and failure and embarrassment and simple laziness to even deal with people's glares. i've changed, yeah.

so ma, it's alright, i'm only reading.