Running Away

I had an absurd conversation yesternight.


'I might be going to Germany'
'What?'
'Yeah I wanted to talk to you because of this'
'Why?'
'If it doesn't work out in Missouri I ll just leave. First I come back to Hollywood and get you and then we go away to Germany together. Would you do this?'
'My love, why wouldn't it work out in Missouri and first of all, WHAT should work out?'
'I don't know, the black hole, the missink link'

I laughed nervously and roughly...

'You don't want me to start praying that it won't work out now, don't you!'

Because I would have done that a few weeks ago but now I don't

'I'll just leave'
'Are you scared?'
'Me? I am never scared'
'I've seen you scared before'
'No that's impossible'
'I've seen you. Trust me'

I think of that evening when she told me everything and you knew it and you were so nervous that you almost flipped out. You knew I knew and you didn't know how I would react. Sometimes I think back and develop different editions of my life. What I would have done differently and how that would have affected everything. What would have happened if I had kicked you out. Out of the apartment into the night. Out of my life. Would you have crawled to my door? Or never look back?
I still laugh when I think of how well you listened to my explanation of the painting I had made for you, now, that you were so scared. I took all the time of the world to do it. How I see love and relationships and growth and God. When I ended you said quietly you are so smart Emeralda. But my Mom laughed when I told her that story and she said you weren't smart! That was a powerful lesson of a matriachalic Goddess to her lover!
If he only knew. If he only knew.

'So, can I tell you something?'
'yeah'
'You can't run away from anything my Love. You can't always leave when something doesn't work out'

Like you left me. Like you ran away this summer.

'I am not running away. I'll just leave.'
'It is running away. And you'll always take it with you. You know as well as I do that it's not something that has to work out but you have to work out.'
'I know'
'Exactly and you know what? For this you need a healthy routine. Our bodies are habitual beings and we have to have a healthy routine to make our souls and spirits healthy too. That's what my dad always taught me. I am trying too.'
'hm'
'yes, and you need time for this my Love. I know in America they have all those instant things. Instant coffee. Instant food. But there is no such thing as instant growing up. You gotta give yourself more time. You have to bring yourself back on track.'
'I know'
'You are so wonderful and you have the obligation to be as wonderful as you can be. God gave you this gift and you gotta give your best. Your very best. And in order to do that you gotta be back on track. How could you expect this to take no time. You've been to hell and back. And it doesn't matter where you are then.'

I laugh. See who's saying that now. Last year it was him.


He laughs now too, shortly. I feel how he loves me. But he has to go now. Take a shower. I wonder whether he knows that he is the missing link.