too much

but where else could i scream like here?
nowhere.
not even in the faintest mountain. fainting away in my memories are all refuges.
cloud yourself together. let it rain on paper or virtual matters.
black on white.

how could there be so much hope in that pain?
I was banging my head at the wall. I clenched my body, not only fists.
Hair on the floor, in my hands, around my wrists
heart shattered on the ground next to it.
but hope was growing in a fit
like dandelions pushing through pavement, regardless.
like dandelions, pushing, fearless

how can now that it is dying so much
rotting like grey flesh in cages and caves,
how can it be like that?
so much that when I close my eyes I just feel like
throwing up
all that comes to my mind
is the image of me
throwing up,
puking
vomitting
spitting
on the ground, behind a bush, at the curb, bend over a toilet bowl
throwing up
all this grey matter
that is fleshing me into nailed coffins of coughing old people who just never could let go

they say, that if you really love you have to let it go
and i wonder when i missed to go
and
why the fuck everybody else seems to be able to be going
why can all those people just do it and i just seem to be a dumb idiot who can't let it go
a weak creature
sulking and whithering away

oh, tell me, can you tell me please, isn't that untrue????