Schall und Rauch

he was surprised I didn't study politics. he didn't listen when I introduced myself. what captures his attention was the fact that my mom is from Alaska.
ALASKA! he exclaimed.
WHY DID YOU LEAVE???

it is something past two PM.
Kolja buys lunch and he arrives a little late.
sits down at the table with us. looks at me, putting his notes to the side.
you have an amazing capacity of capturing people's attention he says. takes a sip of his lemonade. you put a spell on them.
a tiny smile creeps up but i know what comes next.
you lose yourself he says and straightens his jacket, his hands like mini irons, trying to get rid of those creases and wrinkles.
i nod. i know. i felt it happening.
his hands are quiet now.
he explains the routine. the images to support the word. because, words can dissolve into Schall und Rauch. soundwaves and smoke. the creative part. do it outside the classroom. go directly to the place and present there. a didactic method other than powerpoint. but not completely without.
i nod. i know. i searched but i paralyzed myself successfully. drowned in making dinners, cleaning up, dreaming, masturbating, and all.
i hang my head because i know.
i know. i know.
i've always known.
what, if you can't back your charisma. it isn't worth a dime.
and words pass when you don't give them the time of their day.
when you don't rever them properly.
when you just hold them together with these tiny pearlstrings of energy.


he looks at me with these incredible eyes. understanding and challenging in the same time. asks me why. and there are a lot of lame ass excuses.
later he buys me a coffee and then leaves hastily to his next thing.
Kolja says I have to see everything in context.
Later he asks me if anyone has ever told me what an amazing woman I am.
I laugh, or maybe cry, it might be shallow but it sure feels good to hear a man say that to me. it's been a long time
and inside I feel I am at the verge of losing my shit.
living schizophrenically. slithering along. trying to avoid major accidents.
holding onto amnesia. trying to forget everything i know that makes life impossible right now.