September Rain

life is complicated.
i can't remember the taste of your passion, the color of your lust or love
your lips, i forget, i can remember the sensation but not the feeling, the physical circumstance but not the soul
your eyes, squinted, glancing at me from across the navy blue volvo, a vibrant smile seated in your soul, images popping up but as if worked into stone, a memory petrified, a legend before the fall.
maybe it is really better this way, your distant plea to let you know how I am doing and your sad news about your dad make my heart beat a little faster and breathing a little harder but all in all it just feels like the sound of rain on the roof, nothing big, I feel sorry and I pray but I don't let you know how I am doing.
What would that give you, anyways. The stories about the angel girls, the heart break of the oldest, her confiding in me and how much that trust meant to me? The way the two youngest jumped in my arms and wouldn't let go. The shy adolescent difficulties of the second one and the way her big toe looks like. Not better than any other gossip you can find in any boulevard magazines, nothing that would mean anything to you and your life now. Only when I talk about you and how much you love children and how great you are with them I feel my heart constrict for a second and I almost forget the pain you caused and the enormous amount of strength needed at some point to not smash windows, her fuckface and your jaw. To see you lying in the dirt, in the gutter and spare my spit because it is too good for you. Your faded love can't find its way into my memories anymore, only images of your chest and your strong arms and the way I could fit into you still vibrates a little bit with life. Making love to you, as well, a petrified legend. Only faintly I recall the way you made me break down the last walls and let go in a whirl of love, waking up in the dark from a dreamlike storm that left me shivering and united our souls. But that was when and Starbucks at La Brea around the corner from that Mc Donalds and the Wu Shu Kung Fu national training center is way more real than this could ever be. That woman who wanted to learn German and get a massage. I still have her card. That day when I went to Big Bear and left you behind with a blank cheque for the case of emergency. You wanted to buy me a Christmas present with it later, which was, of course, so ironic, even though I would have appreciated it, nonetheless.
Things just never got going, dear, and I have written way too much. Life is complicated, as such.