this is why

you were good at hiding it, towards the end.
only now I remembered in a short flash of your true being shining through time and space.
there was clashing and rubbing each other the wrong way and despair. hard to catch a breath of air. those hills, those hills. the pink flowers fell to the ground and the tree stood bare. it makes me cry now because i remember. nobody i have met... i can't even go there. it's not important. nobody will ever be the same. one relationship will never be the same with someone different. they are all equal and right.
it's just, why is it, that this was so damn important to me? why in the world was this so important to me???
the moment you would step up behind me, with these eyes. was it your eyes? was i fooled by eyes? or was it really the way you'd look at me? all the things you'd seen and known and the way you'd look at me with the knowledge of old?
it's so elusive that I can't put it in words. i was seriously in love. i think i still am. all those other guys, i can't let them, still can't let them.
i am so sad, so sad, to leave be.
your being is so dear to me.
you were so different from me and in your entirety, in your difference I loved you. because things don't always matter so much.
but they did, right, they did in the end.
i couldn't be just happy to be with you. shine from within. no, i was fighting and fighting and fighting to get back through to you. the veil of addiction covering your face, your eyes, your care.
ah, how can it be. that i still love you so much. how can that be. how the fuck is this possible.