so there are the pixies. first time i heard about them was when what was his name, the dude that visited for a weekend and Elissa made love to him and we were sitting in the backyard of my Basel apartment and I sang a beautiful song into the night sky about Elissa and my friendship. then there is Berlin. Bernadette. Beautiful. She and I in the artstudio 'Welt-Urlaub' painting until late. You can't imagine this unless you have been there. Three most intense weeks of my life there in berlin. How she took a drag of my mango cigarette. gay, yes. but the image still was breath takingly beautiful there is nothing you can do about that. talk about cliches and how stupid. it still filled me with a strange joy of beauty in her. Viola and I danced there when she visited me. We danced our way through the countless paint bottles, empty glassbottles to hold water to mix colors, brushes, wood, metal, screwdrivers, and a fantastic musicstation that was cleverly set up by Erik the crazy punk painter who thought a day was gone by uesless until he started some trouble in some bar. During daytime he would take care of old people. Said, the Ethiopian artist had his 'wedding-village for the cultures' downstairs in the backyard. His sculptures in silence said more than anything I've ever seen. At nights a little campfire glowed in the middle of the big city and we were part of it. He died of cancer a couple of months ago. - I have to go back. I have to go back but I most probably can't. Or shouldn't. It won't be the same. It was strangely beautiful. I had a life there. Now I have a life here but I am the verge of leaving that, too, behind me. Trying to dance my way through the countless weird things that life presents to me along the way. it is a chapter and then it is over. And I am an adventurer, still. Ah, and you take whatever is important you over into the next chapter. There are a couple of things I'd like to take with me. And still have to do. Today I had this strange feeling, that after I told him that I think we have to this trip together, it would never happen. I just knew it. And of course I denied the relevance of this intuition because I didn't like it. But, as I have stated several times before, intuition (at least mine) is never about convenience, never about what you desire, want or feel like. Most of the time it asks you to do things that you actually dont' feel like doing. Like this trip for example. I really want it. And I think you can make certain things happen and should try to do so and put effort into things. But sometimes you can battle only so hard against intuition - it will still win. I am surprised each time, all over again.
then there is my red-haired wife. Klodi. Good old times. With my Gypsy love. Ah. Where is my mind. Tying lose ends together, weaving new ones. Where is my mind. This too was an adventure, a good and beautiful one. I don't have enough distance yet to clearly see the picture but it was all worth it. Every drop of salty water and joyous sparkles. I can't explain it really but I know that I will find. Still. I just have to move on. And I never bothered about where I'd move onto. It could have been an emotional move, a move that to outsiders would look like settling down. Compromising. But I never did. I did what I wanted. And that was us.
Where is your mind. I told you I would take good care of it. But now I think that life is ridiculously doomed. And I am gonna dance. And although I might say that you jump to conclusions and then burn everything down, just like us, it might sound angry, for sure, but most probably I will one day say: he knew and it was all good...
oh damn. where, where is my mind.........on a loop. in the water, out there, swimming...
and it s just one more proof that my director of our 8th grade theater play 'the Dragon' by Jewgeni Schwartz was more than right when she said in her final speech that she delivered to us when celebrating the derniere:
One thing I wish I could relay to all of you real close to your heart: Never do anything 50 %. Never. Do everything, every little thing for 100% and it will always be worth it. Always.
We better try to live up to that. Chapters do end.
No comments:
Post a Comment