i remember

how ridiculously stunned i was when i learned about what you did with the bitch... or what you let her do for that matter, does it matter? there are always two. how almost amusedly amazed i was, marvelling at the fact that you totally ridiculed yourself. that you made me feel bad about feeling bad about her, her sneaky snaky ways. the bitch. haha. i still can't quite grasp it, truth be told. it so doesn't matter now, right? it doesn't matter anymore. because i forgave you and i talked to her and explained her everything. it's up to her to learn from her mistakes. she doesn't deserve my respect but certainly understanding. gosh, people are people, right? that's why we here on this beautiful blue planet.

I listen to Ani di Franco's 'Done Wrong'. The song I listened to back then, when it all came out. Even before that, just like a foreboding shadow from future clouds towering over my foggy feelings of despair. I can't quite grasp it, still, not really. It puts me back into a place with a wooden floor, a beautiful golden table and good morning tea. A gaze out of the window, the heart uncontrollably racing as if it had to reach you before you even got there. And pictures taken, in lonely walks through Hollywood, dsicovering and claiming it finally for myself. Fotos, taken with your memory ingrained into my lips, eyes, restlessly searching you, everywhere, in the clouds, the palm leaves and the grey fucked up corners, in the homeless lying at the curb, do you want some strawberries? yes, indeed.

I listen to the song. The day at the pool with my friend from Senegal. She and I in a laughing fit when we saw this girl who was about to go jogging, we in jogging wear but all gone. And there was trouble, i remember, on the other line, you and police the whole day I was freaking out silently, trying to control myself and be strong. It was your cousing but I knew you were stupid, still. and that i loved you, i never lost me.

I listen to the song. It makes me wonder. How ironic it all was. That you did that. Almost like self-fulfilling prophecy but in reverse and then how could you ask me not to leave? It doesn't matter now, anymore, right?. It doesn't. It's just a song.