seize the moment

but how do i grow up? i sobbed into the phone and his firm raw voice came through strong. you have to start thinking about things a little longer and deeper and not take everything like a kid, all these bob dylan and leonard cohen songs... you guys are children, both of you, just children. and don't you talk about babies, they are persons, it's harder than you think.

and so i sit and think, as my initial enthusiasm about life's forceful changes of current ebbs out. i think once, and then twice and then hard and deep.
searching for a beatles song. finding other's. thinking of you as I do so. thinking of all the moments that there were and how magnificiently beautiful they had been and how many magnificent songful moments will pop now like soap bubbles in the sun. empty and shallow, never touched by the breath of life and love. never born.
it's so sad. they are so beautiful and they are just fleeting dreams and longings fueled by a yesterday that is irrevocably gone.
i just loved so intensely, i couldn't get enough from you ever, it hurt so much when you withdrew, so much, that i forgot all i had learned and just threw me against the tides of life. to just sit and listen to music. to make music. to gaze into the sunny world passing by outside as i lay in the shelter of your arms and breath and your heartbeat and your smile and care and your hands and your dreams. and your smell. oh your smell.
and that all gone now, ah, sweet the sting of moments that won't ever be now, won't ever be born nor known nor experience or savored.

ah, and i feel very similarly about leaving beautiful california, i do i do.
you've become home now, somehow, i've seen your ugliness and your beauty i've lived here.

it's hard to grasp, so hard to accept. seize the moment. live it to the fullest. it may never be again and oh how I am going to miss it.
i already know

I'm scared of life taking its toll on me
Terrified to speak up for myself
Anguished in his presence
Crying out for love
Another parallel universe
in which all this would be impossible
and all that seems impossible here would
BE.
I'm so terrified.

i would never

i would never give up what i have with you he wrote and memories dingle in the space like christmas bells like sharp little snowflakes that drill their way into your heart to make it freeze for just one second.
there is no use in going back in the past but there are certain layers that unravel at second glance. what was. what is. what ... be
granted, there are many missed chances and things are so much easier now. there is no use in what if's and could have's because anything we did at any given moment just reflected who we were at this moment and especially where we were on our way. And you can't argue with that. It's a given and you can only change the way you look at it but not the given itself.
I wasn't ready either, I was diving too deep to find those pearls and all that happened was I suffocated in my own deliriums.
Good Lord. It makes me cry.

right here

It is the right place and the right time and I feel that my dreams still have the ability to stretch and vibrate, connecting to my life in the here and now
I will be there

affirmation

I knew all along that this would come to pass. It was raining then and the Austrian and I were sitting on old banana boxes from the Dominican Republic. Somehow I felt that this would be at some point my transient home and as I crept into your arms later on that night I whispered You were right, we don't have to rush anything.. It can wait, 'til early summmer or whenever it is the right time. Little did I know that the right time can be so agonizingly strange. Strangely foreseen. - She never found a roommate and my acceptance of time's slow tango eventually led to all of this; the wings of love, the hidden knife, the wound, love's threshing floor and all our laughter, all our tears, breaking through the grey sheets of a seasonless world.
Your eyes were shoreless seas, puzzled almost, childlike. Despite all odds we held each other again, in the eye of the storm, in silence and somber darkness - you leaving and our kisses like fluttering butterflies trying to escape, find light and flowers that were still blossoming in our eyes; our hearts, painfully entwined and shivering in the dusk of an early cold new morning of our life.
You left and your voice still came through the old black and white letters, covered in all too bright blue light. More distant every second until it got lost in spaces we cannot fathom until we found back into each others arms in the dark of the night in his place, now my place, a soft bed and spiders and memories that lingered just to be devoured by our quiet passion that swept over us like a slow high tide and survived the night.
Deafening the sounds of doubt.
Now our good byes and hellos are somewhat faint and pale, strangely contrasting with the bright early summer sun. Heat merely stacked away, in little packages of glowing sparks that will rekindle and stretch and then die.
Your absence was almost comforting and weirdly reassuring, leading up to the moment amongst the strange perfectness of the stars and galaxies I observed as I put ashes to ashes, earth to earth, sun to sun. The dromedar-shaped tree stark and exquisite, painted into the moonlit heavens, the holy boat swimming amidst fuzzy night-time clouds and thoughts of mine, spiraling into space.
Crickets bonding with childhood memories and You, You, still somewhere there, waiting to give back meaning to the sky. A single tear drop; dew in a flower breaking into life and a smile well hidden beneath the quietly falling words of our story like snowflakes in March.
Strange days have found us.

I know what you taste like, I know your smell, your love, your ice, your suffering, your childish joys, fears, dreams and insecurities. Your wishes spiraling into the sky.
I know your honest and grown voice, the beauty you gave me and your earnest eyes, those beautiful lakes I softly swam in.
Slowly I close mine, and remnisce the firm yet gentle touch of your soul on my breasts, my breath, my inside and out.
The soft embrace of your tongue, your moist rose-like lips, the moving of your boyish hips. The intensity of your gazing straight into my soul.
I know your hand and how it can hold me.I know your heart and all the immeasurable unknown depths which sing to mine of failure and strengths when I am in silence with you and alone.

dear

dear
even if
all went the worst possible of ways
and you d have to feel like an undignified woman
you wouldn't have lost
you still would
emerge
like a dewdrop in the morning sun
because
you have loved

and this gem of love
will shine
through all the dirt you can throw on it
it can't be undone
for what is will always be
in one form or the other
like dewdrops climbing up the rays
in the morning
leaving their drop like state
into finer ways of being

Harvest Moon

She looks up and tears dwell up
isn't it almost perfect? the perfect song? I can't believe it.
I see a full moon in a high sky and heaven in his eyes.
Her presence around us.
The feeling of belonging of coming home.
He showed me Neil Young.
Covered in a sleeping bag I waited for him, naked, touched by love.
Orange juice at 3 AM
and she starts moving slowly I never see her dance

Just imagine she adds under a tearful smile
bliss so sweet
sweet the sting
Just imagine, your man writing this for you! It would freak me out!

I see his hands, his smile, the beauty he brought into my life
He is like that I say and I know it is true
Extreme in his love as well
I fell through liquid air
I knew he was there

i wanna hold your hand

Oh yeah, I'll tell you something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll say that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.

Oh please, say to me
You'll let me be your girl
And please, say to me
You'll let me hold your hand.
Now let me hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.

And when I touch you I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide.

Yeah, you've got that something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll say that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.

And when I touch you I feel happy inside.
It's such a feeling that my love
I can't hide, I can't hide, I can't hide.

Yeh, you've got that something,
I think you'll understand.
When I'll feel that something
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand,
I want to hold your hand.

see

no
no
no
no
no

she says
lioness
i won't let you
you deserve the best because you are the best
and he wasn't the best for you

you will learn
she says
that love love love
what does that mean anyways? is not enough.
at some point you want to be with someone
who is happy to see YOU
who will do anything for YOU
just as you do
and

it's all so harsh

she also said, what i don't believe you are leaving
i need my friends here!
and i say
but you also need a friend THERE!
and she says yes maybe that's true

she might be right
she might be wrong
we don't know
until we find out
until we go

somewhat removed

looking back through the looking glass of time
internet provides the fast connection
first
i remember my time
in those classrooms full of awe
and then
how i looked up to the 'big' ones
and now...i only faintly remember those faces now
all grown up
in their own realities
when i left they were merely babies
and now they are about to leave school
so cool
so cool

it's funny how perspectives shift
suddenly i am thinking in english
and
they are living their meaningful lives
while
the world is still such a big place to be in

somewhat removed
but moved
i watch
and smile
and writhe
can't sit still

her voice so fresh
skype makes it possible
she was my friend
my sister in crime
and now
studying english and sport to become a teacher
we are laughing
saying lets talk sometime later
she has a flu
she is at home
home
there.

where all things come to pass

you see how i
shatter hearts made of glass on the floor
spread out the broken pieces in front of you
and you worry

do you see my joyful smile?!!

don't worry my dear
dearest sister
dearest friend
don't worry my dear

because this is where all things come to pass
lost in translation
but - it is what it is
maktub
they say

the mosaics made of those broken hearts
i present to you
in all their glory
joyfully reflecting
lives fruits and seasons
life and death
and love

don't worry my dear
dearest sister
dearest friend
don't worry

everything is written

the rose petal

A glass full of water. A red straw. A yellow lemon sclice, perfect, explosion in my mouth.
implosion in my heart.
there was a time when my heart broke. It was in Berlin, around this time of the year.
I showed in an istallation how it felt like. The heartache. As if the heart was massaged. I put cellophane stripes everywhere in the room, hanging randomly from the ceiling to the floor, with transparent photographs of me and my love on them, like a labyrinth of memories.
In the middle was a first aid dummy on the floor in which I had installed a switch so that if you gave the dummy a heart jump it would switch the sound and lights on.
The lights illuminated the pictures and the sound was a mix of my own sobbing and the crying of the girl in Mulholland Drive when she masturbates. The lights flashed like crazy, in circles, as if you were caught in this labyrinth of beautiful hurting memories.
In the corner was a TV on silent, to show how life goes on even if you feel dead like that. the exit was barrikaded with those red white striped construction ribbons and behind it there was a heart on the floor and the sound of a heart beating. A mirror at the wall. Because the only way out is to face yourself.

Today it is different.
Today it is a tsunami.
A racing heart.

And now I would do it differently. Now I would show a naked woman lying on a pedestrial with icecubes on her chest.
Because this is what i need right now.
Ice cubes to make myself ice cold.
To survive this brutal and enormous liberation.

fast

fast.
quick
quickie
in the office.
somewhere else?
maybe.
i have only a few seconds
the connection might fade.
you might lose it
i might be gone
and the music just takes me back
do i like to be in control?
tie me up.
ask me again.
and when we take it further
to the end of the world and back
i will
show yourself
u

the pocekt
the groove
i will unleash myself
against the tide
against


fast


dont let it go
hold it
hold me
breath into my
hair