timeless explosion to fantasies dream. the response

D___, my love and my prince and my everything,
please read this long mail carefully, because i really put some thought in it.....

so do you remember how i said i can't be your everything, because God is your everything? well that's true now more so than ever, and i still think, that first of all we have the responsibility between God and ourselves, and then towards those we love most. and yet i still think, that in a love relationship, in a serious one, in a marriage let's say, two persons can develop their love and grow in God, you know? But whether or not that's for us, is not up to us, in the end i think, my love. because it is what it is. and we will find out in due time.
THe 'whether or not' hurts real bad, though, but I realized, that most of the pain is probably due to me wanting something that maybe is not and i just have to let it go and see what is underneath all of this.
so first of all, don't be afraid of hurting me. The reason I am with you is because i am strong enough to be with you. And I would be also strong enough to NOT be physically with you but in eternal love. Never forget that it was me who took your hand first and you who asked me to invite you into the camper bed. you are a very good person D____, and maybe you just needed the right people and the surrounding to let it show all the time and not only every now and then. i don't know you in the past but from the pain i heard in your voice when you told me those stories i know that you never entirely wanted that and you will, and i know that for sure, you will not be in the eternal loneliness that accompanies hell because i will always be with you, because you love me more than life itself and even if i don't reach that far, it will be God with you, through everything you have to go through because he won't forget, and that's too for sure, any of his children who ask for forgiveness.
what you can do, while you are still on earth, in order to preserve your chance of salvation is to simply lead a good life.
it's not like you have to work hard to preserve those chances because God gives you that chance with joy and love. You remember how in the bible Jesus talks about how every time somebody would ask for forgiveness, even seven times, every time he would be forgiven?
well, d___, excusing yourself for deeds you do is a waste of time and stupid to do.

you always had a choice. but you didn't have the time and the care and the education that a young person needs in order to develop the will power to always stick to the right choices and the peace of mind to actually be able to recognize the right choices. you lived a life on the fast lane and you weren't empowered really to be in charge all the time.
so there is even a greater chance for you to find salvation as there is justice that actually knows what was in your heart all the time, that knows about the evil power of drugs that puts you out of your mind and that judges harder when the person is actually grown up and knows what he/she is doing. you weren't grown up.
you had to learn and understand it the hard way and I am really really sad and sorry for that, for you. That's the actualy crime and pain and sadness that overwhelms me when i think of it, how such a beautiful soul could be so misguided and left alone in the years when it needed guidance and help the most. i wish i could have been there, or someone, and i feel like a mother and like a lover and like a sister and like a friend and like yourself to you.
it makes me cry but i don't want you to be afraid or sad that you make me feel that way.
it is nothing that i would complain of.
i welcome the pain in my life, just like i welcome you.

so to get back to my initial train of thought: while you are on earth what you can do on your square (which i didn't really understand what that means) is, to just live a good life, take care of yourself first, so you can help others. be of service to others, serve Gods children. serve to preserve the planet that God created and in which he lives, too, there is beauty in it, undeniable and it has nothing to do with the fleeting beauty of erotica, fun, happy times or whatever.
when you do good and live humble you do the right thing. i was so proud of you when you bought that book instead of stealing it. things like that, you know, they count. i am not proud of you to abandon R____ though, it s something that Viola did to me and I don't see the point in it. It is crucial to say, that you make clear to him, that you don't want to accept him being gay no more, but that you still love HIM. - But if you need to quit contact entirely right now, I ll respect your decision. Even if you had to sacrifice me because you can't put up with my diverging beliefs or my still searching what you may have found, I wouldn't judge or disrespect you for that and most certainly I wouldn't stop loving you.

no, i don't think this chapter was a tragedy. it was full of intense life and love and we are not the author really so we also don't know when it ends and when it leads over to a new chapter.
whole life is a tragedy in a way, sometimes it seems it is a comic tragedy, if you think of repeating patterns in your life and so on, but i tell you something, as the drama queen i probably am i love life like that.
and our chapter too.
and i most certainly profited from it musically: today in the bart station I sat down and played the guitar, some bluesy stuff, while waiting for the train. as i etnered the train this woman comes up to me and says: it was so beautiful to listen to you. i am sure more people than just me feel that way. i looked around and realized they really liked it. and i realized that i had played, self forgotten, all my pain into notes and all the weird and yet beautiful ways of tears and life into notes and it was just amazing and revealing to me: blues is something you got to live to know.
also, i bought a book in the city lights book store, it jumped basically into my arms as i entered the store: andalusian gypsy lyrics. flamenco.... the mostly four liners of lyrics just fired into my heart, straight, and it hit me hard. and i realized that the beauty in this raw expression lies therein, that when we know love in the painful and joyful and blissful and all those other versions, we get closer to God.
a shallow life never reveals the entire overwhelming power of love
and those who dare to live and who dare to love and who dare to sink humbly down on their knees to ask for forgiveness, they will find a way for sure my love and i know you will


don't be embarrassed of God. He has known you all those years, from the beginning, he has seen into your heart and knows what really was up. D____, you may have done bad things in your life and you will have to pay for it in some way or other and you still, as long as you are on earth, have to shoulder the responsibility of living a good life and keep yourself healthy, keep this gift that God gave you in good condition, as good as possible, after all....
but you are not a bad person.
doing bad and being bad is two different kind of things.

i would sacrifice myself for you my love if i knew that it was the only right thing to do. but i may have to also be there for the rest of this world because i can.
as you said, i am blessed with a lot of love and i always felt the responsibility to give from it to this world. so we will see how our ways can be close together and how we can lives our lifes according to what God wants for and from us and we will take it a step at a time and be humble and in service...

okay that was a lot to say.

the short version of it is:

I love you no matter what. And you will never be alone. And you are a good person I know that for a fact. You did not fake it.

ah, my precious wonderful strong, weak, hurt, caring, absolutely loving ...

solitude

i am so jealous of the people who can see him now on an every day basis. and who are in the background when i call.
i miss him so much.
and i will miss him even more.
i can't be with people anymore although it helps to cover the pain. when i am alone the pain becomes my best friend.
in solitude i cry.

The Timeless Explosion To Fantasies Dream...

I dont know anymore. What to say. What to do. I dont have any more answers, nor do I have anything to ask. Just a solution........Im finished.
Im 20 years old but Ive lived my life (or someone elses for that matter).
Im sick.
I dont fear dying but I fear the loneliness that accompanies eternal Hell. Ive done many bad things in my life and I welcome and am thankful for the punishment I so rightly deserve and will inevitably recieve.
The one thing I fear tho is hurting you Emeralda. Im afraid...Im afraid of dragging you along with me. I dont know what will happen to me...to you...to us. I dont know. I dont know...I dont know. I just want to live the rest of my life on the square, to preserve any chance of salvation I have.
Maybe Im crazy.
I dont know what will happen. I know I love You. I know I love God. thats all I know.
Our chapter may be continuing, it may be ending...I dont know. maybe the chapter we have written was nothing more than a tragedy. But Emeralda, the book you have written for your life, and continue to write, that book will have a heppy ending. God has blessed you with great love and it emanates from you. you are my angel. YOU ARE MY ANGEL EMERALDA. I love you more than life itself. And no matter what happens, I need you in some facet in my life. Forgive me for everything. May God continue to bless you and your beautiful family.

your ...

but

you said, it will be all good! you wanted to marry me! and support me! and you said it would all work out....and have her with us, the sweet girl of our dreams. and those plans we had, in shatters now. and then, that we do have at least the same core foundations! that we could raise children and..

..shhhh...

..shut the music down and be quiet and enter the core of your existence: pain. in waves it crushes over me, out of me, and back into me my mind gets lost in the thunderstorm of ...
you
in tears i ackonwledge the sweetness of our being, the moving aspects of memories behind the veil of tears
they wash
me
and we both feel how sacrifice beckons or demands
if i only knew what is right
but then i see
i can be true despite you
and i can be true and faithful to you despite them
and i can be with you in my heart
even though it just fucking hurts so bad
to only think of it
but maybe i have to pain(t) the rainbow
in all its splendor and maybe i have to throw myself
into this fire
burn

falling apart

He said, you don't have to leave the room, I am not going to talk a lot anyways.
I always leave the room said I and sank into the safety of the upstairs sofa.
So what is it. Nothing. No, seriously, there is something my love, tell me what it is.
We are falling apart said he.
And then he said, don't cry, I don't want you to be sad and I said, how can't i be sad, I am actually relieved you should have said that because that's what I felt too and I cry here all the time, it is not fun to be in San Francisco.
It hurts so bad. It feels like five kitchen knifes stabbed right into my heart. steering in there, soup maybe. soulfood. heart melange. so to say.
Why is it, do you think, that this is happening? i asked trying to be all sober.
We are growing apart. I can't put up with things, with nothing, with life. I can bareley stay alive. I don't know what is wrong with me.
Do you have the feeling you are too big of a burden to me?
What?
I said, do you have the feeling... no, I don't. I don't know Emeralda, I simply don't know what is wrong with me.
Well, love, how can you be surprised about that? Drugs don't only mess with your body, they mess with your spirit and mind too! It's been one and a half years! your body is sick and messed up. And you are still struggeling with that. How can you expect that your wounds in the soul, your mind, had enough time to heal and be back to normal?
I don't know.
I do. It is insane.
I can't change Emeralda. There are too many things that I can't put up with, and I won't change.
Oh my god. The pain is so fucking deep inside, my sobs shake me now as if I was sick. Because, this is exactly the point. The one thing that I felt was driving us apart: that we can't change the way we are that we can't change the way it goes. I mean, we can change, to some extend, but I had the same feeling about him. Having a hard time to change. And who would be to blame. Nobody...
Don't cry my love, I love you so much you are my best friend in this whole world.
It just hurts so bad. I can't help it.
What hurts.
I don't know. It's been hurting all the time. This feeling, I had it too.
I know I can change, but I don't want to, I say. And then I cry and cry and try not to but silently my face gets soaked in salt water from this eternal sea.
Just don't jump to conclusions he says. We just need to sit down and talk.
I am happy you said all that I say.
It's been half an hour. so much for not talking.
I am so happy because I am not an actress and I can't pretend everything is okay when in reality I am going through this every day, trying to distract me, yes, even trying to look at other guys.
All my thoughts and feelings at the peripherie tell me the same thing you just told me now. It is happening. I don't know whether it is life or not, but lets not get into reasoning here. What I was going to say is,
I love you so much
and in the end of the day all I want is to
lay in your arms
and be with yoru
and hold you
and be held by you
and just
fucking
be
with you. and dream. of Sofia and the other kids. and be able to dream without feeling cut in half when the pain kicks in and soaks my throat with sorrow.

Emeralda, he says
I love you man

heart rending

it basically feels like as if a tiger found the way out and found my heartin his restless circeling ways - caught in a foreign country - . he is rending my heart.
it is not broken, not yet, no no, it's just being torn apart, piece by piece and the white and colored laundry swings in the wind high above the streets. memories of another life in Italy.
But now i am in little italy in San Francisco, the city that embraced me like someone who believes in love at first sight.
A person who was a stranger yesterday talked to me until four AM and the next morning he and his roommate took me on a motorbike trip outside San Francisco - the smells and views overwhelming and the sun too: I am a child under the lucky star.

So the typical emeralda-magical happenings occur here too, as if it didn't matter that my heart, as I am walking, as I am typing these words away, just won't stop hurting and jumping from one side to the other in my chest.
Tigerclaws and tigerteeth surround my soul. It is foggy and cold: San Francisco changes it's moods as I do. Swinging back and forth from tears to happily dancing to music i hear on the street.
Loud music is good: it distracts me from listening to your pathetic unreasonable whining, heart. Why should you worry about the future or a now that is inexistent? Why should you long for a different reality when the one you are in is so insanly beautiful and lucky too?
Birds are flying high in the sky and the hills roll up and down in the bay.

So maybe this is, how it feels, when your heart dies.
So maybe this is the lesson in loneliness that I didn't really get yet, maybe.
So maybe this is the weirdest time in my life that feels more unreal than anything before in my life just so I could remember it painfully clearly some day in the grey, misty future.

Maybe this is. .

she lost her heart in san francisco

she said she lost her heart in san Francisco and I walk through the
streets and hide my tears behind my shades. her dad died when she was here and her love failed to make love to her and him she lost too. and now i am here, months later, couples walk by, hand in hand, soulfully peacefully fully of confidence it seems.
the sun goes down and I still feel my heart beating, but today it
beats in the right side of my chest, it is no longer more towards the
left side and i feel a thousand little sobs hide behind my muscles.
i wonder whether this is it and whether this is it how it feels like
when you lose it.
i just so don't feel you there anymore. your voice is distand and weak
and your words are full of hate and contempt and intolerance, things
we've been over for so many times already but right now i really can't
listen to them. i don't know, maybe it s right for you to be that way.
but the strongest message i get from Christ's teachings is the one of
love and mercy and forgivingness. you can't look down at these people
and you can't judge anybody. it makes me feel so sick. like I am going
to lose you.
the beauty of the now and the here slowly eats my brain and i fight
against it and i cry and i lament and i am terrified.
it is so fucking beautiful.
and you are not there.
and not here
and i don't know
i don't know
i simply don't know

anymore

anuschka

I miss you
I miss you oh so much
But you are flaming into the sky

San Francisco sure is worth many stories and they happen right here, too. I found myself in the gorgeous run-down apartment of a friend's friend, which reminded me so much of Berlin.
And then we jamed and then I sang this song for you, Anuschka.
I miss you oh so much
but you are flaming into the sky, beautifully flaming, and I am not sad nor will I shed a tear over you because you are so beautifully flaming into the sky.
it just feels good to know
that you are there
dancing
in spirals of love
in life

smaragd.emerald

As soon as we passed the hill and drove down to Berkeley the heat dropped from 111 degrees to 64.
Love at first sight. This place looks and feels like: I could raise my kids here.
But you are far away and you are uncertain, who knows how long you will live.
I love San Francisco, I am alone, I love being alone, I meet the best things and people when I am alone you know. Somehow travelling, I mean, the backpacking version of it, the thrill of this sense of adventure i get when I am alone at a trainstation with my guitar and backpack makes me unusually charismatic for some reason.
And meet the right people, always.
It's a blessing I guess and I hope I can give back.

but you are so far away. now i listen to 2raumwohnung, German sounds. memories of a different life when I saw you everywhere but didn't know you were there, in San Francisco in a life full of different shades of dark.
light?
so i walk through frisco and i love it and everywhere i ask myself: has he been here, what did he experience here? and then i get terribly sad and just want to go and see you. maybe i take the bus tomorrow and kidnap you and bring you to a hospital. fuck brazil. i d rather pay the doctor's bill then go anywhere.
i want you to live with me. we still have so much to discover and develop and reveal and create.
ah love. ah, ah, ah my love.

Wet questions, how to fog up your sunglasses and a punk who fed me healthy pistachios

The song is powerful. Loaded with associations and memories it catapults me back in a place where I look faithfully into the nowhere and nowhen. 'Wet questions' by Keziah Jones, and a sun going down through shades, sneaking into our messy room filled up with anger. 'what about the corpses in the seine?' exactly.
I paste the lyrics further down for your pleasure.
Lost are the moments of bitter tears, like a reflection in unsteady water, blurred, somewhat fickle.
This is how you fog up your sunglasses that shelter your eyes from the world out there. Nobody can see your eyes, red from tears that keep on rolling despite your wild entangled thoughts that in a swirlwind rock the caroussel of a tight rope dance over an abyss of madness.
Almost scared that you indulge into the self-pittying sentiments of tragic love-stories, of a dead lover, a broken heart and uncontrolled sobbing in the face of a seemingly cruel and indifferent destiny you try to catch a glance of the clouds in the blue, immaculate Californian sky but your glasses are steamed up and you can't see anything really: underneath there is the real pain and it doesn't care about any crazy, sinful, absurd, sentimental thoughts that you come up with to punish yourself, to torture yourself, to put yourself down, instead of up, - which would be what he needs now, in those difficult times.

'but, but.... it's always been fucking difficult! those three weeks of innocently holding hands have passed too quickly! he's been doing that for the third time now! you have a vacation - boom, he almost dies. How long will you be able to take this, huh????' that's so out of context honey. you have plenty of energy and resources to survive way worse times. sober up. please. of course the images of a funeral and a dead heart broken wild child cross your mind. of course the horrifying self-massacring glimpse into a train of thought that is best described as morbid, makes you bite your tongue. it is so morbid...he, dying, and you heart broken, and one problem less, life taking your decisions in it's own hands. child, child, don't let yourself be fooled. these are tricks your mind is playing. you are alright. you are okay. you don't feel that way for real.

because underneath all of this crazyiness, there is a pure lake of tears at the bottom of your heart, it is called love.

on Hollywood Blvd she sits down with Priscilla, a punk-girl from LA. She shares bubblegum and health pistachios 'they are healthy' she says and laughs, her eyes are so pretty and the bluegreen hair; my favorite color. she saves up money for whiskey and finds a guy who has the same charger as her phone, he hooks her up, little things make the day and Hector gets a tatoo. 'she is such a cutie' Priscilla says on the phone to her friend Jesse, who wants to talk to me and says I sound hot. Germans, hahaha, ah, so attractive.

a kite in the sky over the hills.
there are children everywhere.

and I sit down and redefine my love anew. It's not like it seems always. It's not like you think it has to be always, but it IS what it is. word!
so I pack up my mind and enter a new room: independence and courageous support. silently. if he is a gypsy but doesn't want to be there, well, you can't stop him from being in his life, right? so you rediscover the gypsy inside yourself and say: i can love, and be in a relationship that is somewhat loser than you wanted it to be. honey. I still love you.

but i got to leave. it is all good, dude, seriously, i mean,we know better than that. I don't need to sell tears and I don't need to be weak when i am actually strong. it is what it is.

just - don't die yet. please.

Wet Questions

What about the corpses in the Seine?
Do you know the names of any poets?
Can you say a prayer fit for a clone?
Should you say "ofay" if you're not white?
Cuz I found a letter written on the shore
The words in the water tell you what I saw

Who was Genji Monogatari?
Serious beauty is a plague?
In another size would it be yours?
Don't you ever read Bazooka Joey?
Cuz I found a letter written on the shore
The words in the water tell you what I saw

Would it be a crime to sell a tear?
Could you take it a raw with sugar cane?
Je suis venu te dire que je m'en vais
Je suis venu te dire que je m'en vais
Cuz I found a letter written on the shore
The words in the water tell you what I saw

changes

for some reason the most irritating thing ever is, when your feelings change.
change in general, i think, is most welcome and most feared by many of us.
we always crave it, once we have it, it scares the shit out of us, cuz we have no idea how to label this change, we don't have any boxes prepared yet, although we should have kept one open just in case the change would come by and knock at the door, right???
so, changing feelings are scary like hell.
if it was up to me, I'd dwell for ever in the mystically beautiful realms of butterfly-love, exclusive love, exqusite love, seventh' cloud love. you know...
and in the same time I always say, hey, you got to put effort in it! nothing comes for free etc pp, the whole 'investment called luck' stuff.
so there was some changes coming around, popping by so to say and i spent many hours at night and during the day at the verge of crying just because I was so scared. The change of feelings changed the color of the glasses I was looking at the world up until then and the world looked so weird through those new glasses, the future looked painful because it showed me many decisions that I possible most probably would have to make and so forth, it was a living hell of very few moments in the now and very many moments in the later, filled with sour wine of twisted mindfucks.
ah.
and then, after doing nothing for a whole day and much unwanted but self-imposed space it dawned even to my childishly freaked out mind, that no matter what I thought I felt as a change in my heart didn't really affect the core of the love I feel and live for him.
no matter what happens, this guy is like crazy important to my life, to my heart, to my mind, to my body, to my soul and whatever I do.
In every aspect, in the negative and the positive, in adapting and in diverting from what he wants.
wow. that's been a trip, really. whatever we have to go through huh?
and all those analytical thoughts don't matter in the end of the day when the missing kicks in big time.
like my very wise Mom said: just practice a lot guitar and everything will turn out just fine.
It's not so much about making all the right moves all the time but putting effort into things with all your heart.
and don't let your mind fuck too much with your heart. seriously. don't.
things will be what they will be and are. que sera, sera.

and until then, I love you just as I do. crazy.

and even if this is a new trick of my much lamented of mind, even if this is a trick just to make me feel more secure about my heart and destiny - even though I might blend myself or jump into illusions .... I don't care.

You are still the only thing that keeps me here and that makes sense after all. You are, you are, you are, you are!!!!!!!!!!

the weirdest thing

is.....
that I somehow don't miss him at all
and it s so fucking scary
so i call him in the middle of whatever
and to just make sure that he is existent
and then i wonder
why it is so damn easy for me
to feel
so single
so self-suficient
so ready to go where ever
when ever
so unreasonably wild

Letters to the Inconnu

I can't really write all the time about my worries to my wife (no, she is not my wife, she is my friend but it is an insider you won't get it so don't think about it) so I decided to write letters to an 'Inconnu', the unknown, out there somewhere, maybe like a message in a bottle that I throw in the sea of the blogosea yeah.

Dear Inconnu, Hollywood, June 20, 2006

My heart beats faster when I am listening to Gogol Bordello, Gypsy Punk, and I think of my wife and how it made all more sense as long as she was around. It is so weird, don't get me wrong, being with my love makes a lot of sense too, but there is a difference:
With him it is also scary to be, because as soon as my thoughts about my future kick in I see myself clearly not staying here and it is inherent in the nature of the future, that things are very uncertain, even though your heart might love insanly. There is always the misbenefit of a doubt.
My mom sais I should believe in the power of love. But matter of fact, when my wife was here, she kept everything together somehow. I didn't know that then but I see it now.
So I have to grow up now and take my life in my own hands and stop worrying so much. I have a good plan. Heart, why don't you stop worrying?
Ah there is so much to do and see out there. And all those travellers look for a home and for a heart and it is somewhat ridiculous to still feel like that although you found this heart.
Yah.
The problem is, I can't even go travelling now to see whether it is just the lack of travelling that makes me crazy because even that doesn't make SENSE right now, you know? I need to save the money up for my trip to Brazil. I can't go to Brazil now already because that wouldn't make sense either. So I am stuck in feeling that everything gets robbed of it's sense.

I guess I need to find this place to be self-suficient no matter where. I mean this place within.
Okay. So I hope....

ahm
I gotta go

good bye


oh man that's so weird. wah

into the vastness of emptiness

It's not like I had anything to say and it is certainly not like anybody would read this anyways.
And yet there is something about this vastness of emptiness inside of a startled soul that shimmers like a little but warm candle light in the middle of a forlorn night...and don't get me wrong, light is vast, unless there are obstacles...
but obstacles have worn off, under the guidance of time's wings brushing sand dunes into endless variations of forms and even remote feelings of missing or lacking something or someone only echo within, never giving away what the origin of sound really was. And the mind is too clumsy to grasp that essence, rotating around it's own axis of evil.

Foreworn gazes in a forlorn night. In obscurity. The lover sits at the internet cafe table two plastic cups in front of him, a candle light fickle but unexhaustedly disguising a band aid like shelter and a pen and a book but nothing to write in it.
It is the reflective mind, the contemplating loser, who wallows in his own pettiness or should I say greatness of being pressed through the old human-becoming mill of love and life.
Then, suddenly, there is this homeless black guy. Black like the night, only his white fro shimmers like the moon but his eyes have lost it long ago. The homeless woman, maybe he attacked her verbally, shuns him away, she is voluptuos and authority is radiating like liquid energy around her.
He looks up, angelic like curly hair, Raphael might have painted the blueprint for this man.
And smiles.
I smile back and we start communicating through the glass, laughing, because it is weird and we don't understand everything and finally he comes in and we start talking.
As usual when strangers meet in magical circumstances, and this cafe certainly is a magical spot I tell ya, the talk goes from A to B without interruption and we find ourselves in a conversation about mathematics and love and my paintings and investment called luck, did I mention love.
The lover is not a contemplative loser but a lover of mathematics who is searching his mind in idleness for underlying simple questions of more complicated problems.
And he turns his head too, because he is a man and beautiful, to look at the beauty of bypassing booty.

it's always a good decision to come here.
and the magic of human beings envelops and enbosoms me against/in the fury of time.
and enthusiasm, linguistically, means: in the presence of god

in obscurity

I am but the light doesn't matter anymore
when the twilight gets a hold of my sould and ben harper gets back to me
and i realize that it doesn't matter what even the most beloved one thinks about your taste
you just lean back and let it flow into your soul
nothing distracts you
and even though you don't understand you feel it
and even though you are lost you will be found
and even though you might be crashed against the riffs you will survive
and even though you make terrible mistakes you live
and even though you take a wrong road you will learn
and even though you are desperate you breathe
and even though you feel your chest is so heavy in obscurity you have a chest
and then everything resolves into floating dawnness of the mind

and you turn around and see a light
and you turn around and see someone calling
and you turn around and see the land

because we are all captains on this eternal sea of life

and nothing else matters but everything
and care is the bringer of pain and salvation
and illusions and blending sources of light and assumptions and misconceptions and misunderstandings
are what they are
ha ha ha

continental shiftings

I wish my Dad hadn't tried in a joke to make me come back or get more serious about my decisions and I feel how you are shtifting away and it hurts and it is so nerve-wreckingly exhausting to speed up and grasp your soul.
fleeting thoughts turn into thorns and all I have is nervous laughter and a healer running after us on Venice Beachwalk, trying to impress us with his knowledge about where it hurts. Neck, he says to me, I feel something in your neck. Dude, I feel that too and it sucks, it is a pressure, a nervously stressing monkey in my neck that won't give me peace until I rest in His arms I guess.
Ah, if it wasn't only that difficult. Why does this most beautiful thing in the world have to come in such a difficult package.
Diffused love.
Infused love.
Obtrusion, of love. I looked obtrustion up, it felt so good on my tongue and then i realized that indeed, i could even spit it out here, it fits so well.
ouch. it hurts when continents are shifting and we know the results are always -
devastating
but I can't live in fear like that.
why don't you go and marry this girl that loves you so insanly much. and live in peace ever after. you wouldn't have to change anything. just become the best in your field, make her a lot of money and sweet sweet Romanian babies.
*vomits silently but nervously in the corner*
the neck, the healer was right, but I smiled and said, no I don't feel any pain there. Take care, see that you don't drain yourself. He smiled knowingly and I just moved on, frustrated, oh so frustrated.

don't you think it would make everything easier, if I just left, as foreseen, close the chapter, that we wrote together and do what the whole world was awaiting me to do and you too.

wouldn't that be just awesomely easy

oh it hurts in my chest too. like a concrete block heavy.

happy without you

It's like, I could be so happy without you because I have been happy before you and it would be so easy to not be considerate and it would be so easy to not miss you as much and it would be so easy to be completely free of any bonds and obligations, it would be so easy without you
at first glance
It's like, I could have been happy without you before i knew you and before you turned around and became my prince, layer for layer you revealed a little more and now I am completely yours, i am your queen I am your all and I am your now and your tomorrow
but the past bothers me and all the other sides
and i feel like crying in the afternoon haze
and i feel like drifting away and you are my only drift wood I could hold onto
I would keep on floating with you even if there was a water fall
because falling with you would be less beautiful and hitting the ground probably would be fatal but oh so meaningful
and i feel like I forget about who you are
just so you could become the moon again
in the dawn
shimmering so seductively silver like a mocking smile in the eye of the night sky
just so you could become this yearning again
in the night and boiling hot afternoons
that bring the sweat out and made me feel so dizzy and desperate in the search for a well or a fountain
and you could become the mountains and the ocean again, calling me from far away
and the sweet melody of a heart throbbing violin around the corner of the river flowing so mysteriously gently and yet fatally destined to meet the sea
you could become the smile again of a stranger passing by and the wonderment of the what if
you could become the thing again that i was looking for in every one I met, gazing into their, eyes, hoping to meet your soul
it makes me desperate to have found and not to have lost
it makes me so afraid that the lost is yet to come
and it makes me so afraid that the found hasn't come yet
and then i black out
and wake up in your arms, in your smile, in your sweet morning love and care
and wonder where I were

all this time

PSYCHO MANIACS

First of all: How can a person who is so off track bring someone back on track?
He is effing 44 years old, twice her age, he has a wife and a son and 'loves' her.
Apparently his wife sees too 'that the girl couldn't make it without him' and accepts therefore the fact that he abandoned her bed for the sake of her.
However, she wasn't even sure whether or not she wanted to be with him. But he made her belief that she needs to be, he loves her so insanly much like noone before, and hey, he is so sensitive.
He needs trust and openess in the relationship. Communication

I have been friend with 'the girl' for 16 years and Lord knows, I have had difficulties with her lack of communication skills. But you know what? God created us in DIVERSITY.
So everybody thought that all is cool, she was very happy that finally someone tackled her problems and she did whatever he asked her to, because she realized that otherwise this relationship would end.
yeah.
emotional manipulation par excellence. Now she feels like the dirtiest slut on earth, morally at the end of her little rope, pyschologically wretched, all because of what she did wrong.
The men were the first target. All her affairs etc received 'cancellation messages'.
Then some of her friends.
I didn't know of that until now.
Because, as it turned out, I am on the list too

A call at 4 AM.
'You need to seek a Therapist too' she said in a voice that didn't sound like her at all 'and we can't keep in contact for now I can't have any chaos around me, be good, bye'

then a mail, with basically the same contents, adding, that I sure wouldn't want her to go down the drain together with me.

*silence*

ahm, down the drain?
the mail was carbon copied to her dad, her sister and our common best friend.
transparence, how this psycho maniac said, is needed, you guys need to get to know the 'real' her.

to me that feels like: peel the skin off and let everybody touch the raw flesh in order to heal the wound. DUH????
a soul needs secrets and darkness too, and some thing you should only discuss with your shrink not the whole world.
does he want the all of us to think she is this slut that betrayed him too?
what about him?
doesn't he betray his wife?
his son?
himself?
just because he makes it obvious it doesn't hurt less, does it?

I am not going down the drain. I found the prince. I am trying to find my way now together with him . I am studying. I am fine.

and I am so damn far away. someone needs to get her out of there. She is never alone anymore. She can't see her friends by herself anymore, for the fear of her 'falling back into old patterns'. She can't talk alone on the phone no more. And she seems to even not write her mails anymore by herself.

FUCK THIS PSYCHO MANIAC

what do you do, when someone manipulates? legally he doesn't do anything wrong but he is about to break her low self-esteem entirely and her soul won't be able to bare all this for much longer. And eventually she will go crazy asshole.

thank you very much for caring.

and now, how about going and fuck your stupid ass wife

HOW do You do that?

Spirals of Love

How do you do that? Ho do you make me fall in love with you again and again, like in neverending spirals, that dig deep into the last forsaken corners of my soul and in the same time elevate it so high that the air around it starts tasting pure and purer - like light in spring winds - and then all your words bare fruits that taste sweet and refreshing although at times the growing seemed so bitter and the hard way and your eyes grow flowers like appletrees blossoming in blissful colors and scent, and all the blue-turqoise of virgin nights that fall upon Hollywood's hills through my window carry the sweetest velvet memories of your touch and your thoughts and being and caring in a whisper to my ears that earlier encountered the overwhelming warmth and depth of your kiss.
How do you do that my love, my lover and friend, how do you rise from the deepest grounds so high with your wonderful wings that carry me and guide me and protect me oh so unspeakably perfect now?

And then I see
We both are in the danger and the protection and the bliss and the pain of love's embrace, His wings that we entrust ourselves like children do, carried away to grow together in His light, wisdom, presence, His love, to guide us both, us small lovers to reach beyond the expected and known.

RAPE

she was raped by her tango teacher. never said a word. i even read her diaries secretely. never found a word. got busted for stealing. never heard a word. corrupted her soul. didn't know how to say NO. many dudes, over a dozen, in a year. couldn't say no. now she is so, so -
devastated
aggravated
ashamed and full of hatred
love is dripping down her wings
she doesn't know how to sing no more
it all stopped at once
when the clock stopped ticking
but her soul kept clicking
away

and the pain of being blind
the pain of being deaf
to her silent outcries
is outreagous

and when you look around
in disbelief to the two faced past
you can't help but laugh
children, children, don't you worry
fight or bother
this is nothing
nothing
nothing
compared to this disguise

time heals wounds they say
but never when you hide them
they have been rotting her mind away
and now she fights not to be forgotten
or forsaken

oh viola

The Freedom of Movement

turned the light off. candles on. long skirts, swinging with every step we take. she gave me earrings, big, silver, noisy, like little bells ratteling in the wind when the music takes me and swirls my neck around like a flower in the wind.
We dance in the rhythm and in the mood of GOGOL BORDELLO. Gypsy-Punk from New York, Immigrants. My eyes and my heart open up wide, I jump on the chair and rotate and jump and don't care anymore about how it would like, it is only and only about how it feels now, my hips against my upper body, my arms in waves through air and space and time and my legs frantically answering the driving rhythms.
it is love in movement
and love is freedom
and freedom is here in the living room of our little one bedroom apartment while the birds are singing themselves to sleep.
who ever said that you need a club is awfully wrong.
it is everywhere, on the street, in sunshine, in rain, in the room, in the shower, but most importantly: in YOURSELF. it is... the joy of life, untinted, undistorted. it is pure and you have it from birth unless you gradually learn how to exxagerate it with substances and subsequently lose the ability to see the key in your hand when it assumes the color of your skin.
it is love in movement
and love is freedom in restriction
and freedom is within me
with the light i see

ah when we were done i sure needed to take a shower, my Gypsy called, my voice was breathless and my heart was pumping.
I was unconditionally happy.

BITCH

So you had it, hm? Little girl…Ah, it’s such a big step now, huh, to claim your place, to demand respect and have your friends get back in line. Ah, sure, it gets lonely, when the line of lined up people gets thinned out. You have to keep your little sheep in check baby, because seriously, that’s all you’ve got.
And when it rains really really hard there is always a sister or a guy who gets pussy, or a smile, who will pamper you and lick your little pretty ass. I wonder how it tastes. The mess you left behind smelled like old pussy but you do take showers often, it’s very obvious, I kind of couldn’t help but feel it with my naked feet when I come into the bathroom or take a shower myself. You are nasty.

Ah, how anger fills my breast now, it competes with your bosom. It’s so easy to be mad at a pretty girl, it’s ridiculous. I could crush you in a second, like crums for pigeons. I wish I could be a bird and let my shit happen on your fake ass brunette hair. Blonde suited you much better. And now, that the clouds have clouded and gathered at the horizon and now that you have let it rain in the living room I feel like dancing on your immaturity if it wasn’t for my own integrity. I have a hard time not to gossip about you already. What if I had to trade in my pride not to be so Paris Hilton like and pee on your oversugared smile? That would be really bad.
Seriously, I feel bad for you.
You are such a petty nimble mind. Adorable. Caring, to some extend and such a bitch.

So you had it? Hm? Little woman. Ah, it’s such a big step now, now that your boyfriend brainwashed you accordingly. Friends are cheap, they have a good deal at Vons.
And when you are all alone you can hold yourself tight, because, you said, you are your own best friend.
And now I can’t help but pitty you, you little petty girl. It must suck to have a bitch as a best friend. Suck.

faint like a whispered dream

Faint like a whispered dream
But I feel like
I don’t belong here
And this feeling comes back to haunt me
Despite all the clarifying revealing traits of psychology
Stuck in my enthused mind
And amazed soul of a wild child
It’s something internal
Nothing I could change
Or influence
Like a bad cancer
It comes back every now and then
And there is nothing I could change in my mind
To make this go away for good
Because it is not in my mindset
But in my soul
And a calling from the distant nowhere
And the terrible terrible terrible exhausting
Mind boggeling
Assumption that speaks to me in a low, almost inaudible voice
In grey inbetween hours
How I still have to be courageous and move on
And be accountable to God
And God only

Because there was a bargain
But I just fucking don’t remember what it was exactly about
And I’ve spent the last years searching
Feeling right when I was on track
And now, I create future
I don’t want to be God at all
Not even a Goddess
I want to follow my calling
Which though,
How unfortunate and exhaustingly saddening
Is so faint like a whispered dream

pms is around and it makes my life hard.
i don't know anymore
they didn't accept me at haverford (which i actually
expected to happen because i didn't take care of the
financial aid stuff in time and in the end i didn't
want ti really cuz of dany....) and now my future
looks like two tracks and the 'switch plates' are not set
yet. one future is very clear and cut: being back in
euorpe. i would eventually study in paris i guess or
russia
back to my roots, to waldorf things and saving the
world and being a brilliant minded student
but leaving my Gypsy
and the other future includes him, is very obscure, i
can't see it at all in the fog and looking at it
instigates a lot of fears of betrayal (do i betray my
goals what to accomplish in life? does his way to look
at things over realistically without expecting
miracles as i am used to create unnecessary borders?)
fears of making a big mistake, fears of being too
serious at too young an age, fears of askese as
opposed to celebration of life, fears of losing my way
in love

it is mind boggeling

caustic doubts

I am so mad. So mad these doubts are leaking in. Like a dark, very caustic liquid set to destroy the base I am relying on.
I tried so hard to keep them out, in the beginning I even didn't have to bother but now.
I am scared.