not you

it's been three years. he still doesn't look anything like himself on that picture on the roof, with the flowers, the sun, the red brick chimney, the blue sky.
the view isn't like a sunset anymore but there are trees and the floor is made of hardwood. he makes himself some food, peaches and cottage cheese, offers me blueberries, some smiles.
his roommate is watching tv with his daughter and when i tell him i also speak Germa he says he already knows. the couch is made of black leather, his daughter is ten and looks like a blonde California girl.
after he shows me his new tracks we start arguing later when it was that we met first; he is set on fall but i know for a fact it was spring. a spring full of confusions and later we met again, in deeper states of my confusion under palmtrees and ocean breezes.
as i hold him so he can't hold me too much i fight memories and thoughts that evade my mind. it's a concentrated effort and i'm sure i could just get rid of it in the blink of an eye but it doesn't really seem like i want to. i'm complicated i say, i am guarded, not ready to let go. the idea of yummy playfulness makes me giddy but there are these voices fighting inside, i turn to the side, shh, shh, lullaby.
i feel like a little girl all over again.
i feel like i live in a fast forwarded future. we all knew it would come to this. didn't we? and he is so breath taking, with the curls and how he stands so tall and these eyes...and it's only been four and a half months and i just can't forget that he is not you.

The Straw

Change is scary and uncomfortable. It is a bitch, because it comes unprepared, other change that I anticipated creeps up to me in the wee morning hours when the dawn riddles my existence. The eternal struggle to attain and maintain balance weighs so many of us down, luring us in all kinds of extremity just like it happened to pamino in the 'magical flute' by Mozart when he had to go through the fire and the ice to break through to his own truth, finally. Sittin' on the dock of the bay comes to me, bringing back memories of another lifetime, inciting dreams of what is yet to come.
Sharing the most intimate moments in this space has become hard, first I started molding and forging more, creating as I have with my art installations back in the day but then I made the mistake to let too many people know about this sacred place and the awareness of possibly judgemental eyes put yet another layer on this cage and I keep trying to break through. To who?
Funny, how in the hassle sometimes we forget to ask the right questions.
Change doesn't come slowly, it does, it does, but the actual straw that breaks the camel's back seems so evergreen. In the midst of the whole load still improbable. Unexpected. Outrageous and different.
Letting go of the old picture and putting the new one in is the most trivial of acts conceivable and yet, it pinpointed the change, it hurt and doubted, it wasn't the same.
But I have to go there, I have to go.