ebbing

Tears to soften the edges of this rocky path
swaying the dreams into sleep.

obscured

the meaning of it all is obscured

and for the first time (or so I think) I am not so sure if and how I can deal with this. It is, indeed, bigger than I.
Sleeping, obviously, a very sound choice.
Sometimes I wish I could just float on those big puffy clouds that grace our northern skies these days. Or drift with the wind and just dance.
Hard to come back on the ground, hard to go on.

Oh mother, give us strength

Jo

this is a new chapter.
Jo, you are - somwhere, I hope.
I want to talk to you. Tell you how I feel. I feel miserable.
Not too bad, after all.
I had a bad dream. I am bitching about one or two bad dreams. Just imagine, how people must feel who have nightmares every night. I am full of self-pity. That's pathetic.
Jo, man. How ironic, that the one person I feel I could talk to about all of this is the one gone.
Damnit.
But ah, okay. I get it. The spiritual path. But for now I only see blue puddles and myself indulging in wallowing in it.
Some music? Eh. I guess.
God.
Joseph, what am I to do now? Light candles, meditate, pray. I guess. Or go on a walk in the forests and swim in lakes and rivers and oceans and go on bike trips. Maybe a wandering circus project! why not.
And songs. Full of passion and tears. These are not too bad of prospects.
Can I take you with me then? Butterflies. Bumblebees. You go on your way, it's alright. It's alright. I am not saying anything.
I am.
ah. Jo. It's alright, I am only sighing.

so diving into the blue
of all the notes and melodies and rhythms
just so i can
feel
you
but that s just a scheme
a vision
an illusion

that we all know

still, it is nice
like chocolate

dream

i can t tell how much this meant to me
your returning in the dark
it was almost a little bit too much
left me confused and dazzled
and in rain and tears

there is the moment i gather it all together
i let the wind take it on its wings
and music to wrap it in
carefully like some beautifully drawn sand painting not to be shaken

i can't say why it is now
that times come back in loops
lifting me up into the ground
there, where i lay,
under the dark mountain
with all its weight on me

you can wait until it comes
and never force it
and you can't force the doors shut
when you are still amongst the living
and forced to sleep

it came back in the unknown. a dream, intrinsicate, complex, fulminating in a crescendo of despair, resolving in the utterly most beautiful moment possible.

the moment when you know, that this is love and you can't do anything about it.
and he knows just as well, and no matter, what has happened or will happen, he always will.

so i listen to ray lamontagne, listen to my sister speak about new life stirring and cry soft red tears. everything is in goosebumps. you are completely gone, fainted in will. the fear of knew to come maybe is what brings me back to this well.
maybe it is the dream that was calling me then.

glen hansard

i fantasize
about that night
when you didn't let me come to Marie's show.
i was on my skateboard and you didn't tell me where.
and you had lied to me about who picked you up and everything.
even though we had had such a nice evening just prior.
i fantasize.
because i remember.
i remember how her car drew up and i watched you through the blinds.
blinded in my heart
so heavy
and i heard you guys talk
for ever
i didn't know if i should go outside to meet you.
when she left i did
i found you next to the hotel, throwing up in the bushes
you whined and how you didn't want me to see you that way
and how ... all these things.
sometimes i wonder if it was just to divert my attention from the fact
that you had totally failed me.

i fantasize, rewind.
i fantasize about packing your suitcase while you were talking in the car
how i would walk up casually and give the suitcase to her,
asking her to give you shelter
since she already got the best of you.

I remember all this when I listen to Glen Hansard.
I almost enjoy.
the heaviness and bitter blue clutch around my soul
in this situation
seems almost preferrable
to the total lack of presence
thereof.

47 days

sober
and
i listen to taraf de haidouks
and I can t breathe
because i can only and only feel you
in this very moment
i am caught
caught
caught

linger

I can't really help it
I am struggeling with this
Trying to find words when there are only paintings
The ravens outside the window and the summerstorms
Leaves turned upside down
Shimmering silver
Sucking the last bit of life and meaning from this song
k.d.lang and a dance by Pina Bausch 'Mascura Fogo'
My baby is gone....
Oh!
I live in a different universe now but I will walk back
into a new river
where the old one used to flow
I am trying to repaint
everything I know
Trying to move on in the knowing
Hold dear what needs to be cherished
and

.

this is why

you were good at hiding it, towards the end.
only now I remembered in a short flash of your true being shining through time and space.
there was clashing and rubbing each other the wrong way and despair. hard to catch a breath of air. those hills, those hills. the pink flowers fell to the ground and the tree stood bare. it makes me cry now because i remember. nobody i have met... i can't even go there. it's not important. nobody will ever be the same. one relationship will never be the same with someone different. they are all equal and right.
it's just, why is it, that this was so damn important to me? why in the world was this so important to me???
the moment you would step up behind me, with these eyes. was it your eyes? was i fooled by eyes? or was it really the way you'd look at me? all the things you'd seen and known and the way you'd look at me with the knowledge of old?
it's so elusive that I can't put it in words. i was seriously in love. i think i still am. all those other guys, i can't let them, still can't let them.
i am so sad, so sad, to leave be.
your being is so dear to me.
you were so different from me and in your entirety, in your difference I loved you. because things don't always matter so much.
but they did, right, they did in the end.
i couldn't be just happy to be with you. shine from within. no, i was fighting and fighting and fighting to get back through to you. the veil of addiction covering your face, your eyes, your care.
ah, how can it be. that i still love you so much. how can that be. how the fuck is this possible.

c

windows ablaze with nightingale fluids
mingled upon glass with morning grey
geese fly southbound, flies are dying
it isn the winter hymn scrouching on the meadows
would u believe could u decide what not if unless.

it is utterly and always

the same.

b

blue ravens cross northern hemisphere dark night is blossoming out of your eyes.
your mind is swaying them to sleep
i am amongst my dearest friends and yet so alone.

give me love

wedding. dez. 3 2008

a

several hours until the train leaves. blood spurted out of my eyes when i cried and the deep red orange skies opened to a breaking day
the news the news.
are you well?