i can´t speak my mind.
i remember that night, when i felt love filling my lungs.
i plunged.
it´s been a long time. now, on adventurous roads, i can feel the tectonic plates shifting. they shake my mind. i am filled with fears i had buried so well. now they are bound to break open, jump, leech.
i want to crawl somewhere and just wait. maybe die. just wait it out. shame and frustration and sadness and sorrow, anger and hatred and gut wrenching longing is destroying my intestines, my lungs, my heart.
can´t i just let it go?
it´s hard. and who can i share this with? it is entirely my business now, isn´t it?
i want to stumble into your heart.
i want to be graceful like a butterfly. solemn and earnest and strong and fluid yet disciplined like a dancer. filled with joy joy joy!!!!
joya!
joy!

i am so ashamed
somehow
that i have to come to this place
in obscurity
i guess i just wanted
to pick another body
another life
another moment in time

your precautions are deliberate and i know you got your reasons.

this is a brutal collision between fantasy and reality. sometimes i think i have been like this already as a child. your eyes scrutinizing and gauging: you understand. sometimes paths diverge but then they merge again and i feel safe in the space you stake out for me. when you stake it out for me. sometimes i fall apart, my mind takes a life of its own and i have to submerge and recreate the situation: you understand. your gaze is haunting my waking memories. the way you carefully pronounced these words, giving your insights shape and form. do you hear me? or are you caught entirely in your web of sensations? sometimes we break through and there we are, flaming into the sky.

yes i love you

there is a magnitude of impossibilities,

but i know love when i feel it

i am not saying that
there need to be any relational consequences
most probably i am rather afraid of those
but.

a strange dream about my father
there is disappointment and divide
a sense of new-found family instead with my friends
other men who
assume important positions
in this my life.
how can i untangle this net?
how can i relate to you without
defending and defying

and this huge longing
to find shelter
in arms
not yours

dear dad
i am floating away.
my ties to you lessen every day
it is a liberating feeling
i can appreciate your work
more and more
the less i feel
attached to you

dear dad
i am floating away
i find solace and comfort in the arms
of other men
men who are not you
men who have the advantage
that they can see me with eyes
that you could never see me with

dear dad
i know that you hope the best for me
i am going my own ways now
i appreciate your concern
and your advice
and your love

but i am not your little daughter anymore

some things just don´t work
and it´s too bad that i want some of you
but not all of it
and i guess it is just fair
that you would withdraw yourself
from this dangerous
situation

I don´t understand it

Glued I am to this little window
into another world

yet inside
inside
there are so many answers

they are all one

nobody will ever know

but it doesn´t matter you stumble
and you may fall
there are many ways to fail
i feel sufficiently ridiculous
admitted
upside down
frowning at my own rules and insights
that rid me of intimacy
so i sit and stare into this screen
trying to catch some of this warm room
trying to be now and not yesterday
the real things that mattered are long gone
little things suffice now
to make me sad

it´s not getting any better. just more distant but like a planet circeling around a star it keeps coming back in cycles...

so mars volta is playing my mind and i am more than just a little confused.

there is too much going on here and i am still too little focussed on tasks at hand....
my emotional body is overwhelming me once more.
i seek refuge in corners i never meant to look at
in corners of my mind that were meant to be shut tight

night lingers on and on

where are you night-lovers
where are you fire flies
where are you all

when the melancholy comes back I occasionally think of us.
all in all it is way better now though
the tree in the backyard speaks in silence.
there is no death.
your yearning is aimed into the cold dark
stars have lost their anonymity
i wish i could forget
how i wish i could forget

new old friends i meet
i have always alredy loved them
first you get older
then you regret
but there is hope at the horizons
lets make this reality.
lets make it rock

it is impossible, of course, but it happens nevertheless. you look at me, shaking your head, saying, Emeralda, if i was only a bit younger, I would come with you.... your eyes meet mine and we both know it is true and i smile, with a tinge of regret and agree. I know I say, I know.
it seems such a great divide, and so many possibilities too, what that all could mean. in the end it will be what we make it.
as you say goodbye your hand holds my smaller back and i feel like falling through soft clouds. the quality of our encounters has changed since the last time you say and i struggle for words to explain that they have always been as wonderful for me...but you say, I like the way it changed and again I can´t help but just nod my head smiling, agreeing with you. my heart jumps every time i see you. i am so glad to see you. whatever it is, i am so glad to know you this time.