falling apart

He said, you don't have to leave the room, I am not going to talk a lot anyways.
I always leave the room said I and sank into the safety of the upstairs sofa.
So what is it. Nothing. No, seriously, there is something my love, tell me what it is.
We are falling apart said he.
And then he said, don't cry, I don't want you to be sad and I said, how can't i be sad, I am actually relieved you should have said that because that's what I felt too and I cry here all the time, it is not fun to be in San Francisco.
It hurts so bad. It feels like five kitchen knifes stabbed right into my heart. steering in there, soup maybe. soulfood. heart melange. so to say.
Why is it, do you think, that this is happening? i asked trying to be all sober.
We are growing apart. I can't put up with things, with nothing, with life. I can bareley stay alive. I don't know what is wrong with me.
Do you have the feeling you are too big of a burden to me?
What?
I said, do you have the feeling... no, I don't. I don't know Emeralda, I simply don't know what is wrong with me.
Well, love, how can you be surprised about that? Drugs don't only mess with your body, they mess with your spirit and mind too! It's been one and a half years! your body is sick and messed up. And you are still struggeling with that. How can you expect that your wounds in the soul, your mind, had enough time to heal and be back to normal?
I don't know.
I do. It is insane.
I can't change Emeralda. There are too many things that I can't put up with, and I won't change.
Oh my god. The pain is so fucking deep inside, my sobs shake me now as if I was sick. Because, this is exactly the point. The one thing that I felt was driving us apart: that we can't change the way we are that we can't change the way it goes. I mean, we can change, to some extend, but I had the same feeling about him. Having a hard time to change. And who would be to blame. Nobody...
Don't cry my love, I love you so much you are my best friend in this whole world.
It just hurts so bad. I can't help it.
What hurts.
I don't know. It's been hurting all the time. This feeling, I had it too.
I know I can change, but I don't want to, I say. And then I cry and cry and try not to but silently my face gets soaked in salt water from this eternal sea.
Just don't jump to conclusions he says. We just need to sit down and talk.
I am happy you said all that I say.
It's been half an hour. so much for not talking.
I am so happy because I am not an actress and I can't pretend everything is okay when in reality I am going through this every day, trying to distract me, yes, even trying to look at other guys.
All my thoughts and feelings at the peripherie tell me the same thing you just told me now. It is happening. I don't know whether it is life or not, but lets not get into reasoning here. What I was going to say is,
I love you so much
and in the end of the day all I want is to
lay in your arms
and be with yoru
and hold you
and be held by you
and just
fucking
be
with you. and dream. of Sofia and the other kids. and be able to dream without feeling cut in half when the pain kicks in and soaks my throat with sorrow.

Emeralda, he says
I love you man