abusing this blog

for everything i can't tell you right now.
because i must not call you. ever.
okay:
its all over now baby blue. for some weird reason i always pictured my sister's apartment for that song. How the carpet moved and the lover went out of the door, with all the blankets from the floor.
How we made love there. yeah. ah, well. how you said, i want you, on the bed before we even went that far and how this just beamed me in a different state of being, just knowing that you wanted me. you saying that what you want is my heart. wait, scratch that, it will happen naturally. just sit back and relax and enjoy. you telling me how you tried to make all those girls cum, almost like a sports. me being so childishly triumphant over the fact that i refused to fake it just to be a continuum in your efforts. i said, we will have to take it from somewhere else. we did. we were about to. and then you left. ah you have no idea how it hurts, you have no idea. maybe you do. now i understand: tearing your hair out. pounding fists into the wall. banging my head against the bathroom walls. hitting myself on my chest. it hurts so much. you have to externalize the pain somehow.
my sister, from far away, calls me back and it s okay. it s okay. i will be fine. it s too fast. too much by surprise. everything everything everything i turned around to meet your love. everything fuck man. every thing. of course, don't be worried. i never go without plan B and C and D but trust me. all i wanted was plan A. it was all i wanted. well. you telling me Ethan is your kid. how everything inside of me shifted around and i was ready, in a matter of seconds, to embrace that, too, and be a mother. how much it hurt when you said you just wanted to see how i 'd react. you should ve known me better. a lot of the times. the little flower i never got. stubborn you. you saying my niece told you i kissed steve. how everything in myself shifted, trying to see her as a horrible person and then you just tested me again. how could you do that? i don't know. i can't picture it anymore.
it's all over now baby blue.
the first innocent days with bob dylan and the first longing kiss, for you to stay, you left, how ironically to your gypsy land, in retrospect the whole relationship in one kiss, like a little seed, containing the whole tree.
you looking over, while driving and saying, my god you are so beautiful. and you kissing me. stopping the car to kiss me. the red lights, my best friends. i could never get enough of your kisses.
your beautiful energy when you in all earnesty tried to tell me what you think was right. it was gorgeous, for a lack of a better word. i loved your dominance as much as i loved your weakness. oh my god. i loved you so much you have no idea. i still do. that's why it hurts so bad

i really don't know what to do now.
i
just
don't know

i guess thats just life. this pain. i never wanted to know that for you. i never did. i can't get over the fact that it should be over now. i don't want it to be over. i want to go to the beach one more time. i really want to.
i never want to let you go.
why is it over? why? why? why can't there be something new?
oh why????

i wanted you to be a palm tree maybe