at war

it felt like at war. you came home and you were a stranger to me. what are you smiling at me like this you said, trying to break the akwardness of the situation, this is your weird smile.
i am sorry but i can't help it, it is strange isn't it.
it is.
but that's why you are here, no? we wanted to sit down and talk.
I don't want to talk to anybody anymore.
I know. I know. Helplessly I touch your hand, it is almost too much. I don't know what to do....what is right and what is wrong, it feels like dancing on a tight rope, I am concentrated, trying to listen to the instructions of the voice of my heart....

you reached over, from far away and leaned over me, searching for my lips, my mouth and our bodies tried to find back to each other, like flowers blossoming secretely in the dark.
love builds bridges to defeat the utter loneliness of being individual, individeable, and we overload those bridges at times with pictures, images, expectations, plans, future and past, although it is just meant to be a means of communication. True communication that goes beyond everything we know while dealing on an everyday basis. It is the communication that we are looking for. Without words, an embodied communication, a communication that leads to communion, it leads to this hidden place, ah and then we burn those bridges, in dispair, because they couldn't bare all those things we wanted to attach to them.
you reached over and found my lips like a lotus flower in a hidden lake far south. i faded in and out from being in the bitter sweetness of the moment and observing everything, probably in order to protect myself, carefully forming words in my head, writing the story while it happened, maybe, maybe, when it is put in form of a story it will be more bearable. maybe it will sound to me like another story that I love, and I can reattach my lost self to it, and forget the painful anticipation of the deatachment over that.
we find each other so well, again, so million many times we did and tears knock on the door, hello, you ordered three tears? one for me one for him and one for sophia.
oh my love I saw the dew in your eyes.
oh my lover I saw the restless dispair in your eyes
oh my love you said you are done
how do you know that
i just know man. I am sick.
I remember how June Carter kept Johnny Cash in his house and rehabed him. You once said maybe that's why you should do with me and I didn't know what you meant really but now it hits me and I wonder whether I should maybe run to the door and lock it and never let you go. i told you in the car that even if you would die early I still would want to have kids with you. It would be totally worth it. And you asked me to take care of you and I wanted to
and now I sit there and try to listen to my heart, what is right?
Intertwined again we dive up from yet another wave of passion that washed our minds away.
What do you smile you ask and i say I have a thousand smiles for free. remember?
I lost my mind you say, standing up. It is time.
I have it in my heart.
good, keep it there.
and I packed your things silently, surprised about this sudden strength to maintain dignity and a smile in this tossing of waves, i am so small.
i dont' know. i just don't know you said, and your face tried to find the right expression in search of a better explanation. it's not your fault. Geraldine. I sat there, just there, and then I said, if you have to say good bye you should say it.
Good bye.
Of course I didn't want to hear it but the moment took itself away from me and developed a life of its own.
I went over to the wooden box, there it was, behind it, my painting that I painted for you, ironically here in this apartment, back in the days when I lived at Aby's and it was easter and you wrote me how you finally forgave everybody and most importantly yourself and how you finally felt free and thank you for being my inspiration.
I really love you you say and I always will. Thank you for everything.
I brought you the painting, and said, well this is still for you, i folded it, read the poem i wrote on the backside and smiled remniscing the moment. Take it, and don't lose it, it is for you.
carefully we took each other into our arms. I held your head on my shoulder and you held mine and it felt like I was never gonna let you go I just held you and held you and you pressed my head oh so carefully on your shoulder that I love so much. I could hold you for ever.
This time the tears almost overwhelmed me.
It is not a bad thing when we enjoy kissing each other I tell him. I still love you. It is like we were at war.
The beloved comes home and is a stranger but then, when he has to leave again, he is the beloved again, a miracle of transformation, touched by a woman, and the kiss good bye is the sweetest kiss on this world, it is like you don't know whether you will see each other ever again.
I hold you from behind, your beautiful back that I loved to hug when I surprised you coming out of school. You turn to the door.
Can I kiss the corners of your mouth?
A ritual, that's how I first kissed you.
A sweet kiss good bye.
I love you.
Before you enter the elevator I lean against the wall and look at you from far. You look at me and softly say
It WAS a really good time. I thank you more than anybody in my life.
Come on. I laugh and I know you love how I laugh. You always made me laugh.
You have to thank your mom first.
I thank you more than anybody in my life. You are my best friend.

Don't leave Dany. (i see myself running to him and throwing myself on the floor, holding on to his feet. I see myself screaming and crying and tearing my hair out. but when I left a few moments later to go back to the apartment I went down on my knees, eventually overwhelmed by the pain and tears and covered my head with the blanket your sister gave me. in darkness it is alone that my soul can find comfort in sorrow)
I have to.

Okay. I say softly.
Okay. I rest for a little while in this moment. Sometimes the warrior has to fight in silence. I am not going to give you up just like that.
This would be the perfect ending for a perfectly beautiful encounter, for such a beautiful chapter.
But it never crossed my mind until now, that this could be it.
You said you love me
And I really do

it is like at war. when you don't know and can only enjoy the moment of crossing that bridge