out

I move to the music, the broken beats create a pattern that I, like a little child skipping on the street trying not to step on cracks, follow more than willingly.
And as the scent of your deoderant hits me and as soon as I close my eyes the room disappears in fast forward mode and with it the people, with it the whole evening.
All I know now is how we made love.
And wild and slow and beautiful.
I remember how you feel and how you made me feel and my knees start giving in.
The feelings are like the scent of a rose when you walk past a garden. It feels like morning dew, it makes me wet and it makes me sigh and I just never ever want to open my eyes again. In fact, i want time to freeze and when I open my eyes again I am in your arms. And then we talk, in our little bubble, and learn how to be together.

You spoiled the whole evening. You've always been so sensitive. You felt things. It's insane. I am sure you don't know about this. But you spoiled it.
This afternoon was crazy. It's full moon soon and the tide is high, tears roll quickly. Sobbing I pounded my fist against the wall in an attempt to make this pain stop hurting so bad. To make me stop crying. To control the uncontrolled sobs. damnit. And then he called. Judith's friend, the dude from craigslist. Asked me whether I'd like to come to this concert tonight, bring some friends with me. Whatever
The girls were ecstatic: oh nobody invites me ever, you are so lucky!
I didn't have anything better to do. Well I did, practicing is always better, but whatever. concerts can be good, you gotta give'em a chance.

So I went and you called.
And it was the first time in a while that you actually talked to ME.
so how are you my love
and I started telling you about how i went jogging in the canyon and how i found this little pathway, I had to crawl under bushes and there were bumble bees and birds and stuff!
you smiled and said, you are a really great person, emeralda.
oh come on don't embarrass me
no you really are and you are my best friend. I am so proud of you. and it means so much more than anything. more than being the best girlfriend or lover or whatever. you are the only one who really cares about me. you are the greatest friend i have and you can be proud that someone called you that.

and as i am sitting there, in this bar or whatever it is, i think: man, actually he is right. he is my best friend too. he cares more than anybody except for my family. my friends all know and think that i am cool alone. but he really really cares to an extend that makes me feel safe and i opened up.
that's why it hurts so much now
because i was so open
and it hurts
it hurts
and then i try to do things to get distracted although i want to be friends with that pain
and then you call and tell me
how much you care
and you love me
and no matter what happens, it was such a great time
do you remember the time we made pasta the first time together.
and then you gave me a massage

yeah, i fell asleep next to you
it was the best time in my life.

oh my love. i wish, i wish you would have had more best times in your life. i wish you could have seen and done the things i have seen and done.
it made life so freaking beautiful.
for me.
i love you man

and it was so exhausting to socialise. to be there. i really didn't want to.

man you so spoiled that evening.


but making love to you while dancing...ah. what a flower...
and i danced for you