trap=chance?

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I am sure you've heard about the theory that a lot of women fall into the same trap time and time again. The same kind of man, just in a little different edition, the same PMS patterns all over again (oy oy oy), things you swore you would never do like your Mom and, in the end seemingly doomed, you do it anyways the exact same way. Snap.
I guess guys have similar things occuring in their lives, in the end it's probably not gender specific....
It sucks, of course, if you fall for alcoholics all the time I guess. Or abusive boyfriends/husbands. That really sucks and some people definetely need to get treatment and professional help.
However, for the rest of us I think it's pretty much the same thing as with drugs: if you are strong enough to handle it there is nothing really wrong with it. If you don't do it all the time. I mean you know, if you are able to be alone for a while and be cool with that, with yourself....I don't see really where the problem is (well with drugs I do but that's a different story and maybe just part of my hypcrism. But matter of factly I too have to admit, that there are indeed people who at least don't show any current signs of damage just because they did or do drugs occasionally. Like sweet China for example who hasn't lost any of her childlike joy for life....combined with a fascinating maturity...ah, I degress...)
For some weird reason we seem to run away from anything that would promise perfect happiness and perfectness and glorious boredom. If you think you don't run away from it just think twice. We are rather looking for challenges in the end, are we? Maybe it's just a certain species of human beings who do that, (stupid us!) but I am certainly one of them...
So for this species I had an epiphany today in the morning:

I woke up at 6 AM and met Silja outside the apartment building. The sun softly painted the walls yellow and it was a fresh morning. We smiled at each other: 'you're a morning person too?' I grinned a huge smile and said, yeah, I was in bed at 11 PM yesterday...We look at each other and start laughing: Friday night in Hollywood!!!!
So I joined her for a coffee and during this women-chit-chat the abovementioned epiphany hit me:
IT IS NOT A TRAP.
Yes, the two guys I can say I really loved with all my being are scarily similar. I just met my boyfriend on the next step, he was past what my first love went through while I was yearning for his heart but in the same time he had had a much more difficult past. but I degress, the point isn't the comparison here but the fact that they were similar and it pretty much seemed as if my previous love was just a good training for my love now.

I wonder what awaits me in the future.

but, it is not a TRAP. As long as you are strong enough to handle it and grow through it, learn your lesson, it is all good. We meet those guys for a reason. Sometimes the reason is, that we really badly need to learn a lesson about ourselves and get away from that self destructive helper syndrome or whatever, sometimes we meet them because they need to learn something from us or most likely it is reciprocal..... but in my case i just realized that if it is for nothing at least it is for a really good training.
And I am not losing it. By asking me to be strong for him he gave me my strength back. I can do this. I am not losing myself. I am not sacrificing myself in a bad way. Jesus did that for him. Wait, maybe that's not enough. Maybe we need to sacrifice a lot more these days. But if you are talking sacrifice, you have to find out WHAT is the appropriate thing to sacrifice?
I sacrifice a wild 23 year old life. I focus on school, go to bed as often as early as possible, enjoy the silent morning hours, write a lot, find out a lot about myself while running in Runyon Canyon. I pray every night. I play music a lot. I love. I live. I wake up with a smile in the morning. I cry at night. I cry when I sing songs about love. I learn the blues.
And it was incredibly beautiful to be with him, despite all the tragical aspects of this (seemingly) doomed relationship.

I think the most intriguing thing in life is to try to find the upsides in the downsides. Like, learning the blues.
If nothing, this makes me stronger. And if I, for some reason, have to become SO strong, it is for a reason. Sometimes I sit down and cry and sob and lament over this fact, that I fucking just don't want to be STRONG. I want to be weak. Held. Just relax. I dont' want to be that strong person that is built to take way more than all that (says my very much respected Dad). I had those moments since childhood. All those expectations people had. My own expectations. My neverending curiosity, my neverending philanthropic suffering. My piscies-ness.
But in the end of the day I lay on my back in the pool and look up to the stars, floating, remniscing about Greece and the ocean there and the feeling i had there, - and falling in love with this life and planet just once more again my wings open in one strong movement and I brush all the pettiness off for a moment: In the end;

It has always been just me and the stars.