the inner battle

is the most difficult one. we all know that, ought to know that.
The Djihad, popularly understood as the islamic war against the unfaithful is also and apparently foremostly to be understood, as a muslim friend told me, as the battle inside. It is sad, that this very important feature of the Islam is being abused in such a way. It makes me think about how much self-glorification is triggered by abiding to all rules and laws of a religion, how much self-assurance leads to the next step of taking the Djihad out of yourself, into the world. We have to admit, that it is quite complicated. When a certain culture (in this case the Western culture) seems to threaten your inner balance and peace, when this culture seems to derrode and undermine your efforts to win the inner battle, wouldn't it be logical to first try and eliminate this 'evil' power first before returning to the real Djihad?
It is logical and very short-sighted. Real pride and humbleness are not enemies, they go hand in hand. You can pride yourself in standing strong in the midst of the storm. You can turn humbly back to yourself and say who am I to judge.
However, a factor that complicates things substantially are children.
As important it is, to first work on oneself and improve first before judging others, it is to assume responsibility for your children's lifes. Anyway you turn it, if a parent isn't strong enough to fight the inner battle, he/she won't be able to teach a child how to stand strong. Words are less important than deeds. Always. Children learn more than anything by example. Of course, trying to school their kid against the evils of the Western culture many a parent probably has scorned and condemned the western ways to brainwash the kids accordingly. The 'right' way is taught but I have the suspicion that in many cases people don't really go deep enough. To wallow in the 'right' ways, to 'know' what is the right way isn't enough. If you allow yourself to really dig deep into who you are you can't stop at this level. You have to truly battle yourself but avoice beating yourself up. wow. that's just my opinion. And by any means, I am just thinking about the Djihad because I was positively surprised that it actually is first the inner battle before anything else.
The thoughts on education and self-education go of course for any religion and are totally unripened and immature in baby shoes.

matter of fact is: I am in an inner battle and right now I feel as if I was standing on a vast empty battle field and demons that consist of sounds are howling in the air, flying from one corner of the earth into the other and I hold my ears and scream against the sky.

I have to admit: I still don't know what I want and what I am here for. I want my love back but I know that it is wrong. I don't want it to be wrong I just want to be happy. I can't go there but I feel the urge to.

I mean, when you have the choice between the right thing and a mistake, wouldn't you also want to take the mistake?