recover me

Things have been going worse lately.
The bitter dragon moved and found gold at her feet. The claws scared her to death first but then she found pleasure in moving the coins from one side to the other and now there is no consolation in anything anymore and to no avail has she claimed the treasures as hers.
Because they never are.
The reflection that she catches every now and then out of a corner of her small bitter dragon eyes hurt her feelings, her vanity. Arbitrary acts of furious but oh so useless redemption cover her path. The traces she leaves on our heart will crust and later turn into scars.
Why is this inside of me? I remember a few months earlier, there were these moments of war that I would flip out. The guilt trip, dude. You look into the mirror and think: Oh My God. I have become my sister.
Never have I wanted to do that and yet I did. Warriors? Yes. But not of that kind... Probably it is like a deep rooted festering infection, deeply hidden somewhere inside, pointing back at my mother and her mother and hers. The guilt trip, dude. Passed on over generations and generations of women trying to come to terms with themselves, in love.
Listening to the stars tangeling around in the Santa Monican night sky I will blow American Spirit into the warm air that conceals so many fond and oh so precious memories of you. Us.
Why is it when we love, that although all we want is to bring each other up, we can bring each other so far down?
It didn't take me long to discover that as you reached into the depths of my heart, of my body and my soul, as you challenged my mind, that it would turn out the best - and the worst in me.
And that's maybe all you can ask for ever. To bring this to light, to attention and to love it equally.
However, alas...it requires discipline from the warrior. There is a time for everything and...
Why is it, that I can't let go? I've worked so hard to understand that. And yet I don't. I talk to you and I think 'oh, wow, this conversation has been going so well! I really did a great job!' and then one or two words will slip out my mouth, a milli second before closure and they will destroy the whole castle that I've just built - on sand.
The only reason why I do that is because I couldn't let go of the treasure. The dragon sits on it, revelling in her own and utter ugliness.
And in the end, loneliness.
Father, forgive me.
Mother,
..
recover me
...
from now on i am a warrior