it feels like dying

it feels like dying and i am surprised at the violent attack of my heart.
i thought i had come to a new level, a new place within.
but no, i said i wanted to make a mistake and i told you the only one i want to make a mistake with is you but you never picked up on that. so it happened and you think it was revenge, how pathetic. it doesn't compare in any way to whatever you did to me because I am single and I have to deal with that. She found me on the floor sobbing like the hapless wretch I felt I was and put my hair out of my face, softly saying, you have more integrity than anybody I know, there is no reason to be so devastated.
at the phone I was strangely cold, like right after a car accident when you take even the most devastating news of deaths and injuries with a cool that could compete with any blue blooded asshole on this world. 'i am sorry i'm not perfect' i said and you said, don't say that. then i asked you whether you want me to leave, whether you can't ever be with me although I wanted to live my life with you and although you said i was the one for you and sometimes you have to fight for someone.
i wanted to fight and i lost one of those battles now and i want to crucify myself and die and never be seen again. you said i can't be with you and I asked why and you said for many reasons and I asked, because of what happened yesterday? and you said NO, don't feel like it is your fault Emeralda.
This is how much you love me because you lie to me out of love. straight into my face. of course you think this was my fault now. it's your fault you can't deal with it, with me, whatever, but where in this web of entangled causes and reasons and mistakes and lies and truths that hurt - where am I?
Where is the Emeralda that you knew?
That you brought out in me?
That you saw?
That you loved?
Where am I?
Am I dying?