look

...
it's just... i am going through changes. that's life, stillstand is death. i want to live, motherf****. I mean, I'm just saying.
'I don't care' you said, 'if you are going to be all cold now, '...the rest I don't remember but I laugh and choke the tears down and think: 'hey, wow, it works! i just choke them down! ha!'
the rest is a blurr. i don't like smoking, but i want to smoke now. that's so stupid. i won't. but, i want. do stuff that's not me with you now. small things. choke tears down. gulp. it won't kill me.
tori amos sings 'i cry an ocean if that's what it takes to bring you back to me'
I gaze into the distance. the distance is not the future. the memories are not the past. merely a reflection.

do you wanna know the truth???
the truth is, i am not past the point that i want see you. yes i know, that's what i wrote, haha. you gotta laugh at yourself sometimes. it is ridiculous. never wanted to put on a mask.
the difference: necessity is not necessarily a mask. but a task. yo.
the truth is, every time, and i wrote that down, months ago in my journal, that every time, every every time i saw you, i fell all over in love with you, again, again and again. that's why i can't see you. i am busy trying to transform this love into something that i can live with, instead of living with you, do you understand that? no, because i don't tell you.
because you won't read this but i have to write this just in order not to call you and tell you. or write you and tell you.
if i saw you again, i would fall all over in love with you again. that kind of love that makes you all fucking tingely inside.
that makes you wanna stand on your head and scream for five minutes straight. that makes me skip, walking down the street along with you, holding your *choke* hand.
your gorgeous hands.
my eyes are blinking. choke, gulp, good girl.
i can't allow that to happen. i have to take myself on the hand now, and guide me into a place that is safe and not an emotional tight rope walk. i know that i taught tight rope walking back in the days in the circus Karfunkel. I never thought I would have to use all that for a time like this.
but i do. and the lesson is: get off the rope when you get tired. if you don't want to fall.

i have to.