no, no, - oh no.

not again. why? why again? progress washed away in a violent flood of salty tears. why. damn, it was so okay just yesterday.
'there are no mistakes in life some people say, it is true sometimes you can see it that way' (b.dylan)
oh man.
I remember lying in my little refuge here, staring into the dawn, the blue velvet like Hollywood night air. And I cried and cried because I felt I might have to sacrifice my love to this man, the relationship with this man I loved, for what my mission is in this life. I thought that we could work it out, that he would be able to support me. My sister repeatedly helped my heart to calm down and reassure that with love everything is okay and workable... But I was there, all alone in the middle of the night and I couldn't stop shaking because it was such a dooming feeling, and such a terrible thought. From day one the idea of leaving him hurt me physically. It was just too painful to only think of.

And then he left me. Gradually and I don't know whether I could have done something to prevent the downfall of our love and relationship. I don't know, how could I. No 'could haves' 'should haves' 'what ifs' anymore, scolds me Miss Amanda. Don't you dare. And my wife forbids me to listen to certain music. Which makes sense. I don't wanna be emotionally manipulated by music. But today in the morning I made the mistake to re-read his letters and the pain rushed back in one strong powerful stroke and overwhelmed me once again.
It is by my own doing that I suffer. I know, I know, I know. Why does it hurt so bad, when I myself, too, felt that it might not work out? Maybe because I really wanted to work it out. There was nothing I would have traded in. There are a lot of things I wish I had done differently now, but when I really look at it I realize that I wanted to grow with him. I thought I would have time to develop and open up more and more. I was sure with him I could, and then he just left me.

I don't know. It hurts so bad and I have no idea what I should do with this. I fucking have no idea.
I ll just live on, like million other people.
I ll just find my own way.
oh God.