on the bound. I believe it isn't

she sings it with a passion that imbues my see-sawing heart with liquid fire.
thoughts swath through the air like heavy fumes of apple tree blossoming in this life's bosoms. apple, fiona...and me. alone. in my refuge, looking out into the green filigran works of future. nature.

'there are too many variations to consider'

time, to reclaim what you never understood.
new york, waving hello through music. the second day in the united states of america. a philosophical mind giving me refuge. a naive trusting girl going to bed with a complete stranger, doves outside the window, cooing in the sweet morning. his hands respectfully not daring. he did not touch me once throughout the whole night. my trust grounded. sweet knowledge of appreciation flowing through my veins. it was a mystifying experience for both of us, he was called the Chameleon.
this morning is still in a blissful state of holy sacredness. thoughts exchanged and life a challenging adventure. it made us proud of ourselves, in the good way.
the softness of his desire overwhelming structures of time, and never ending seconds of peacefulness in Central Park. His hands in mine, walking through New York. I felt weird, because I felt I couldn't have a partner, never, not here, not there but I was mistaken. It was a beautiful moment nevertheless and I let it happen. I don't believe we ever kissed other than bloomy indications.

I was on a journey that brought me to your heart.

And today, I walked down the very same Hollywood Blvd. and now I am thinking of New York and a new life and forbidden thoughts of making love - not to you, and the image ingrains itself into my mind: me, sinking sobbingly into the wall, touching your face with an almost violent desperate passion, you drifting away under my fingers that want to sink into your soul. but the souls are free and wander in timeless fashions.

it would break everything apart and it would cut and maybe the cut would heal and maybe the blood flowing freely into the universe of malperception would cleanse my heart, i hardly think so.

'keep your heart with him' my mother said in one of her loving mails, and she meant it. I look against the moon and moan, I howl like a wolf and clench my fists in a fit of angry desperation.

And today, I walked down the very same Hollywood Blvd. and wonderment seized my soul: did it change anything? or was it just a passing journey that would remain somewhat pale in my nostalgic reminiscing?

tell me, give it to me, don't go away like that, tell me, oh please, oh please, please, please, please, tell me, did it change anything? where am I going? am I going to continue where I left it there, in sweating, cool, impenetrable New York, Brooklyn??? will it hurt?

"All my life is on me now, hail the pages turning
And the futures on the bound, hell dont know my fury
Youre all I need, youre all I need, youre all I need
Youre all I need, youre all I need, youre all I need
Youre all I need - and maybe some faith would
Do me good
I dont know what Im doing, dont know should i
Change my mind, I cant decide, theres too many
Variations to consider
No thing I do dont do no thing but bring me
More to do,
Its true, I do imbue my blue unto myself,
I make it bitter
Baby, lay your head on my lap one more time
Tell me you belong to me
Baby say that its all gonna be alright
I believe that it isnt."