no one to ask

there is something i can't ask anyone.
because i don't want to hear your answer.
but i will listen.
but i don't want to believe you.

is it, that i just talk myself into this?
the importance of everything that is happening.
the signs.
the sience.

that it might have been something that just happens because the dispositions are right.
because two people find each other who WANT to love, so desperately.
we did.
and now i don't.
maybe.
and he wants. there is someone who is interested. and i was, long ago. and there was a spark. and in a blurry Berlin-morning he whispered into my eyes 'it seems as if i had known you already for so long'
that was then and now he is so sweet. annoyingly so. annoyingly i can't fall or open up.
sometimes i think in order to ever open up again i will have to fall so hard that it cracks me open like a fruit when it falls to the ground.
still, there is yet no way.
uh, ah.
i can't ask.
but what is it, about love.
and being young
and being idealistic
and confused
and torn apart