The last time we both came to the same conclusion on the very same day. We talked about it, how hard it was for the both of us and that we would only communicate in the written form. You asked what was wrong when I couldn't talk due to the lump of tears in my throat and I said 'but I promised you not to cry on the phone anymore'.
'It's okay now' you said. 'You can cry, it's okay baby'.
So I cried and we were whispering and I was sobbing and when we finally hung up I broke down on the floor and was flooded by an extraordinary wave of pain and tears as I had never experienced before. The Mexican and his girlfriend came into the room and just held my hand and he said 'trust me, you'll talk again, I know how guys are'.
Today I wasn't sure whether I really meant it. I thought I did. And then it really really hurt me when you just said 'okay then, bye'.
It is a cat and mouse game once again but I am just not sure this time what it really is. I really don't want this anymore. Not in this form. I don't know what I am doing. I could shoot myself in the head.
I don't know what I am doing.
I thought cutting it off would be anatural and you that I am all organic and b***shit.
I thought letting it roll would show us what it really is.
But now I find myself trying to cut it off. The rope is sticky and thick. I can't get it done so quick. My teeth are bleeding and my wrists hurt. I am numbed and dulled by the effort and I can't figure out what it is that I feel. I am in a thick fogg of disastrous confusion. I want you to be there and fight for me, I guess but maybe I don't.
Can you just please fucking love yourself first?
Do I have to keep pushing you or will the cut do?
Can you contact me when you're grown up?
3 comments:
I am not religious. But tonight, I pray for you.
I'm not sure this one needs praying for. Very sad read, but also somehow insistent. What I mean is this story is tougher than it looks on the surface - for me anyway. The questions at the end wrap it up for me - they seem to be confident.
yes you're right ruksak...
it's a drag this whole growing up thing....
i always knew i have to be a whole person before i can enter a healthy relationship...there is growing together but before that you have to be somewhat independent, i think.
the fucked up part is, that love doesn't care so much about that nor about whether or not the other part came to the same conclusion or not.....
it's a drag.
there is always a question: am i too altruistic, am i trapped in the helper syndrome thing? am i doing what i really want to do? is that what love is for? and you know, nobody can answer these questions. if they do i want to punch them into their fucking face.
Post a Comment