There have been times that I didn't.

11/01 When he said let's meet sunday and I took Ma's keys and drove her car in the night without a license. A lady invited us into her house, she was lonely, red red wine. 'Enjoy, your are young' she muttered as we left. I stared at him. Gave him a hug. 'Do you want to come with me?' All the way up the mountain he held my hand, I was steering with the other. Made him climb up all the way to the top of the TV tower. My first kiss, a bright star sky embracing us. Sweet lost hours in the bottom of the tube. A beatle's song in my head. His hands painting on the canvas of my shivering body, my aching soul.

07/02 When I jumped on the train, decision making had been a matter of 15 minutes. Writing him an email on the way. Hours on the slow train. A long night in the train station, he hadn't read the email in time. I sang songs with a homeless dude in the station, listening to the lifestory of his junkie friend.

07/02 When the slow reggae beat engulfed my passion with his youthful lust. A dream to come true. Soft lips, whispering hips. Us in the gras, people trying not to stare, his eyes a burning glare, my smile sweet yet triumphant.

04/03 When I jumped on the train again. A taxi driver took me to his house for free. Sleepily he opened the door, come in come in. I marched in, threw his check in his face, tore it apart. Fuck You Bastard. I slept on his friend's bed - he of course couldn't sleep. Walking the apartment like a tiger in a cage. Softly kissing me on my sleeping lips.

05/05 When I spontaneously came over to the house with the bordeaux red room. His voice low and crunchy, whispering that he hadn't felt that way in a long time. I was standing naked in the window in the early grey morning hours, admiring the sunset colors of the adjacent house. He stepped behind me, it was warm.

11/05 When I took his hand on the Boulevard. Words descending like heavenly doves 'The Should Haves, The Should Haves, The Should Haves'. An old lady on her walking chair reciting youthful poetry warning of a time passed idly missing love's threshing floor. He responded, his hand held mine, it seemed forever. 'What are you afraid of?' his dear voice a whisper, too, under the starlet photographs in Mac Donalds. 'Nothing, I said, Nothing.'

There have been times that I didn't. Think. Too. Much.

02/07 When I told you that I can't.