how long how long

'How long do you want to still live this life?' he asked. He asked, 'how long do you plan on still living this life, beloved?' I laughed, laughed it away, laughed to disguise the knot in my throat that threatened to break through in a sobbing sigh.
Well, I said, well, I said I was going to be here for one more year, but what it exactly will hold I don't know.
'No, I mean, will you continue to just work or...'
No, no, I will start taking college classes in fall...
'What kind?'
Uhm, something like psychology, languages, writing, things that interest me, we'll see...
'Aha'
yeah...you know, Dad, you know, sometimes I think the same thing. I think, damn, how long can I do this still? I don't know if I can. Sometimes I regret not having auditioned for that theater project. Sometimes I think I should have gone for it. But then I tell myself to shut up, to not regret, because it makes sense and it is legitimate to do what I do. I know that I could do it like my sister, crazy, somehow, following a dream and it would work out, somehow, but I want to take on the responsibility I have. I do.

My sister told me once, somebody who knows what he wants finds a way. Somebody who doesn't know what he wants finds reasons.

I guess I walk the line, between those two. I know what I want but I found reasons too.

I have the feeling something will happen this fall and I don't know what it is but it will change my life. Maybe I will be in Paris all of the sudden.