the fall

I definitely lost some innocence and I can't blame him for losing all his respect for me. Indeed, if it was me ten years ago I probably would have crucified myself in a rageful storm of tears and disappointment. We both moved on after that year and don't talk anymore. Funny how life meanders. How we fall. How we lose touch. How we lose ground. How we lose ourselves. How we hope to be found.
Days go by and by and some morning bring the bad news: I can't do this anymore! Nah, says the other voice, trying to balance out, trying to relativize, trying to make it grey, nah, it's just your period. Period. Or the wheather or your emotional condition.
Courage? Rage? Coeur? Heart? Love? Life? Breaking away? Rageful courage? Action versus passivity? All those people who went on adventures up the Kunam Punur, down the waterfalls. Up the mount everest. Through deserts, cultures, lives, loves. Story telling for the sake of it. Nah, I don't want to be in business. Maybe a field researcher for human rights issues. Maybe this maybe that but the days stretch on and on, only sometimes a little kid's smile breaks through like a crack in the ice. Melt it away, tears, melt it away. Melt it away. Melt it away.
He is fragile, and trying, and we are bouncing off each other. He wants to be heppy I want to make him heppy. I want to be heppy. We all want to be heppy. He, she, it.
He, she, it. I, you, we, them they us.
And I know that nothing else matters.
The fall. From innocence to confusion. Trying to break through. While doing so, breaking my wings. While doing so, falling hard on concrete. Falling, not on soft green pastures. No, no. Lost and found, somewhere in the desert, a lost and found station, shattered and grey - for all who are looking for something or someone.
Theresa, where are you now.