i knew

it's not like I didn't know.
I always did.
Cherry Blossom Girl.
I thought Marie sang that song at a little concert where they held usually the LPW's right at Hollywood Blvd.
And my heart was heavy and my heart was light.
Tell me, what else could it be?
I don't know anything of this world. I've tried to understand but I can't grasp too much, I know so little.
I don't even understand this little world of my own. The cigarette part. That we smoked and pissed on everything that once felt so precious to us. The fucking care.
How should I get soft with that inside of me? There is a fucking burning coal tossing my soul back and forth. Good days are days when I forget.
Sometimes I have to kill something inside. Then I have to forget other things. Like her boyfriend who has cancer. That smoke causes cancer. That I could.

Only narrow splits of seconds those. I understand the love of music. The details. I wonder what of what I tried stayed with me. Only to God I can pray. Hoping it is all okay. Knowing how much worse it could be. Not knowing anything and nothing at all.

but this
I always knew.
Cherry blossom girl.
I knew