breaking

it is really cold. i cut two holes in a pair of socks and turned them into something like gloves. head scarfs make a lot of sense now, not only in my part of town.
i am listening to Sandro Perri from Toronto oh he is quite something else, fitting into this weather like a fist in that girl's face.
clouds of worries tower above me. i can barely breathe. money is running low these days, my priorities dubious. i sigh.
things of worrisome nature creep into my brain, such as, whether or not i should reach out to him and ask him to help me out. because he owes me. but then, is it worth the hassle? the tangle? i am already tangled up in blue. doubt, that i need more confusion and anger on that fragile ice i have managed to build up so far to cover up this lake of tears.
pathetic sounding. but still, it smells like smoke in this dingy internet cafe. one step after the other i tell myself and keep typing my petty life away.
it isn't all that bad, i tell myself. i have many options. and i am oh so scared to fuck them up. haven't felt like that for quite a long time. what a luxury to have a convenient, safe job that feeds you well.
to do what you love, because you have time for it, and yet don't have to live off it.

now it's a different story. the dirt has seethed into my own pillows. it's me now struggling in the streets more so than i ever did in the backstreets of hollywood.
it was a hard life then, and i worked hard, but the uncertainties were of emotional nature and not so much about whether or not i would be able to eat.