raging

it hit me seemingly from - nowhere.
this feeling of attack. panic. heart to take. hard to breathe.
i was at the videostore. called KL. he was against it, he said, only if it is really a matter of finances. if there is no other sensible way i'd say do it.
i rushed home. crushed.
called D. he didn't pick up naturally.
on the search for redemption outside myself.
called my sister. just to have her tell me what i felt inside, what mutilated and suffocated me inside with no way to be expressed properly.

honestly, i didn't understand why i felt that way all of the sudden.
it seemed like a good plan. i have pondered it since mid December. i was the main instigator. the main supporter.

BAIL OUT
BAIL OUT
BAIL OUT

so I expressed my fears, flaked, told her that she couldn't move in after all. such a travesty. of no importance whatsoever. so what!
still. i couldn't breathe. and i didn't understand.
how little things sometimes are just the disguise.

today at lunchtime the lurking abyss ripped open. a small question. and i broke in tears.

'how was it in your childhood' she asked. how .... predictable. psychologically speaking.

i haven't had a room of my own almost all my life.
my mom hasn't had one either. and neither did her mother, not when they emigrated anyways.
they lived out of boxes for ever. since i can think it's been that way.
couldn't buy a thing for myself without beating myself up or justifying myself without end...
i haven't moved into my room properly since November.
i was going to rent it out to a friend and live again like a nomad. here, there, on couches, in campers that aren't mine, in friends' beds. with no place to call my home or own.

when i called home where the heart is
your absence robbed my house of all it's meaning.