I can't wait until it's undone.
the good news is, that I live
the bad, that living ain't easy
the good news is that i am somewhat amazing
the bad, that i am nothing like my amazing sisters
just, so much alike this other one
who's flaws I abhorr
who's ways make me cringe inside like a bad stomach cramp
because they are my own
tonight depression lingers in the air when you raise your head to sniff.
but the clouds aren't that heavy yet. no rain tonight for me.
lessons learned, maybe.
first: you are really alone. no one to rely on, ever. it's a nice bonus to have someone who could protect or care for you. but it is no guarantee for him to really be there when you think you need him the most.
so i deal with it. alone. and it is okay. it feels like right after an accident when the glas lies around you in splinters and the red ambulance and the blue police lights vibrate in your bones.
second: when expectations roar too high you fall so low. don't mix dreams with expectations. don't let expecations get into your way.
third: don't say yes to what you don't know
fourth: be yourself not someone
Growing....don't fall, don't fall, don't fall again little girl, move on
Everything just seems to take so long
Friday, December 15, 2006
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
how the room is the mirror
how the room reflects the state of your soul.
the inside.
the outside.
the inside.
and it is behind schedule, half tidy half dirty and not ready no more.
'you should take some one on one time with her'
from aunt to aunt.
every generation, every situation is different.
every family is fucked.
images of her unclean adolescent skin flicker through my mind and strangely in rhythm with the street lights on Wilshire Blvd, hurrying by.
Her unsettling gaze, the frosty atmosphere that threw me back. If I only knew. Inside. jealousy can shine so bright, so blinding.
'What are YOU doing here'
It is small and upsetting. Like the small wounds always hurt so much more than the very big ones. Because for the big ones we have anesthesia. The Gambler, The Nun, and the Radio.
They took my appendix away when I was nine. My mom cried that night and many years to come. 'I abandoned my baby and then they just cut it away!' Bastards, they.
But then, what about abortion. Cut life away. Let it be cut. Let it be. Let it go. What if it doesn't go.
What if you have to deal with a niece who resembles them all and none. Because her mother feels I owe her something. Because our mother tried to cut her away like they cut my appendix, just, she wouldn't go, like our mom's heartache for so many years to come. Life as one big anesthesia. And both never really knew how to be, free, from. How to let blood. Cleanse. Catharsis.
And now she tries to cut me with her eyes.
And words.
And all.
I feel so inside out.
the inside.
the outside.
the inside.
and it is behind schedule, half tidy half dirty and not ready no more.
'you should take some one on one time with her'
from aunt to aunt.
every generation, every situation is different.
every family is fucked.
images of her unclean adolescent skin flicker through my mind and strangely in rhythm with the street lights on Wilshire Blvd, hurrying by.
Her unsettling gaze, the frosty atmosphere that threw me back. If I only knew. Inside. jealousy can shine so bright, so blinding.
'What are YOU doing here'
It is small and upsetting. Like the small wounds always hurt so much more than the very big ones. Because for the big ones we have anesthesia. The Gambler, The Nun, and the Radio.
They took my appendix away when I was nine. My mom cried that night and many years to come. 'I abandoned my baby and then they just cut it away!' Bastards, they.
But then, what about abortion. Cut life away. Let it be cut. Let it be. Let it go. What if it doesn't go.
What if you have to deal with a niece who resembles them all and none. Because her mother feels I owe her something. Because our mother tried to cut her away like they cut my appendix, just, she wouldn't go, like our mom's heartache for so many years to come. Life as one big anesthesia. And both never really knew how to be, free, from. How to let blood. Cleanse. Catharsis.
And now she tries to cut me with her eyes.
And words.
And all.
I feel so inside out.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
xmas party
the most beautiful person however was the old Persian lady who loved flowers so much and birds and water and every each wrinkle told a story that left you in awe.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
answers, unasked
asked, somewhat, but not like this but anyways this is it. early morning hour unknown ID caller it is my dad.
Oh dad. tears stream silently but i won't show him now. you put too much meaning into this whole thing my dear. overload. step back. this is about capacities of friendship. yours. no one in this world, neither your gypsy nor anybody else in this world can take your freedom away. don't restrict yourself. go ahead and discover. it is not the time of your life to tie knots and all.
oh daddy. you know, i take things so serious. what you say. what happens. life. love...
mom showed me your letter. i wanted to say something about it, just my humble opinion.
why did you call me out of the blue you never do.
that's why that's why.
things fall together and create a whole puzzle.
i am not puzzled anymore.
'hello?'
'how ya doin'
'good, good, thanks, thanks'
'so what's up?'
'do you still have it or did you lose it, the thing that B gave me?'
he knew immediately what i meant
'you won't get it back don't even think about it'
'but i should, you know she made it for me, herself, and i should have it....'
he knows what that means.
i want my destiny cube back.
two sides said YES
two sides said NO
one said my name which means use your reason
one said my nickname which means do the 'crazy' thing
he stole it. he took it from me. he said, coins never decide in his favor.
if we only knew what favor means because it did before and i thought it was in his favor.
but now i need to make decisions
and it is just an illusion
and i don't need it
but i want it back
because this too, means something.
and he knows it
it doesn't need words at all
only this one little thing
he is no longer in charge nor in control of my life
it sounds harsh, i know and it was never bad
but it's just like
he doesn't have the right anymore to keep my cube away
my way of deciding things
my way of believing in things
my way
my
m
and this has nothing to do with love
Oh dad. tears stream silently but i won't show him now. you put too much meaning into this whole thing my dear. overload. step back. this is about capacities of friendship. yours. no one in this world, neither your gypsy nor anybody else in this world can take your freedom away. don't restrict yourself. go ahead and discover. it is not the time of your life to tie knots and all.
oh daddy. you know, i take things so serious. what you say. what happens. life. love...
mom showed me your letter. i wanted to say something about it, just my humble opinion.
why did you call me out of the blue you never do.
that's why that's why.
things fall together and create a whole puzzle.
i am not puzzled anymore.
'hello?'
'how ya doin'
'good, good, thanks, thanks'
'so what's up?'
'do you still have it or did you lose it, the thing that B gave me?'
he knew immediately what i meant
'you won't get it back don't even think about it'
'but i should, you know she made it for me, herself, and i should have it....'
he knows what that means.
i want my destiny cube back.
two sides said YES
two sides said NO
one said my name which means use your reason
one said my nickname which means do the 'crazy' thing
he stole it. he took it from me. he said, coins never decide in his favor.
if we only knew what favor means because it did before and i thought it was in his favor.
but now i need to make decisions
and it is just an illusion
and i don't need it
but i want it back
because this too, means something.
and he knows it
it doesn't need words at all
only this one little thing
he is no longer in charge nor in control of my life
it sounds harsh, i know and it was never bad
but it's just like
he doesn't have the right anymore to keep my cube away
my way of deciding things
my way of believing in things
my way
my
m
and this has nothing to do with love
no one to ask
there is something i can't ask anyone.
because i don't want to hear your answer.
but i will listen.
but i don't want to believe you.
is it, that i just talk myself into this?
the importance of everything that is happening.
the signs.
the sience.
that it might have been something that just happens because the dispositions are right.
because two people find each other who WANT to love, so desperately.
we did.
and now i don't.
maybe.
and he wants. there is someone who is interested. and i was, long ago. and there was a spark. and in a blurry Berlin-morning he whispered into my eyes 'it seems as if i had known you already for so long'
that was then and now he is so sweet. annoyingly so. annoyingly i can't fall or open up.
sometimes i think in order to ever open up again i will have to fall so hard that it cracks me open like a fruit when it falls to the ground.
still, there is yet no way.
uh, ah.
i can't ask.
but what is it, about love.
and being young
and being idealistic
and confused
and torn apart
because i don't want to hear your answer.
but i will listen.
but i don't want to believe you.
is it, that i just talk myself into this?
the importance of everything that is happening.
the signs.
the sience.
that it might have been something that just happens because the dispositions are right.
because two people find each other who WANT to love, so desperately.
we did.
and now i don't.
maybe.
and he wants. there is someone who is interested. and i was, long ago. and there was a spark. and in a blurry Berlin-morning he whispered into my eyes 'it seems as if i had known you already for so long'
that was then and now he is so sweet. annoyingly so. annoyingly i can't fall or open up.
sometimes i think in order to ever open up again i will have to fall so hard that it cracks me open like a fruit when it falls to the ground.
still, there is yet no way.
uh, ah.
i can't ask.
but what is it, about love.
and being young
and being idealistic
and confused
and torn apart
Friday, December 08, 2006
there was another time
and another man
and i felt the same.
i thought,
please don't fall
because I won't be there to catch
but then I fell and fell like a wretch
and i felt the same.
i thought,
please don't fall
because I won't be there to catch
but then I fell and fell like a wretch
Thursday, December 07, 2006
tonight
i really want to be touched
i phantasize about your embrace
you holding me
me holding you
i phantasize about kissing you slowly
and wild
and your touch
in charge
and my touch
giving in
and our hands
explorers
so simple
but so true
so old
and so new
i phantasize about your embrace
you holding me
me holding you
i phantasize about kissing you slowly
and wild
and your touch
in charge
and my touch
giving in
and our hands
explorers
so simple
but so true
so old
and so new
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
your voice
your voice is so soft on the phone
and I don't like it that way
don't be so soft and so dreamy
don't call me so early in the morning
it is not your prerogative
it is not your right
it is not your life
and I don't like it that way
don't be so soft and so dreamy
don't call me so early in the morning
it is not your prerogative
it is not your right
it is not your life
Running Away
I had an absurd conversation yesternight.
'I might be going to Germany'
'What?'
'Yeah I wanted to talk to you because of this'
'Why?'
'If it doesn't work out in Missouri I ll just leave. First I come back to Hollywood and get you and then we go away to Germany together. Would you do this?'
'My love, why wouldn't it work out in Missouri and first of all, WHAT should work out?'
'I don't know, the black hole, the missink link'
I laughed nervously and roughly...
'You don't want me to start praying that it won't work out now, don't you!'
Because I would have done that a few weeks ago but now I don't
'I'll just leave'
'Are you scared?'
'Me? I am never scared'
'I've seen you scared before'
'No that's impossible'
'I've seen you. Trust me'
I think of that evening when she told me everything and you knew it and you were so nervous that you almost flipped out. You knew I knew and you didn't know how I would react. Sometimes I think back and develop different editions of my life. What I would have done differently and how that would have affected everything. What would have happened if I had kicked you out. Out of the apartment into the night. Out of my life. Would you have crawled to my door? Or never look back?
I still laugh when I think of how well you listened to my explanation of the painting I had made for you, now, that you were so scared. I took all the time of the world to do it. How I see love and relationships and growth and God. When I ended you said quietly you are so smart Emeralda. But my Mom laughed when I told her that story and she said you weren't smart! That was a powerful lesson of a matriachalic Goddess to her lover!
If he only knew. If he only knew.
'So, can I tell you something?'
'yeah'
'You can't run away from anything my Love. You can't always leave when something doesn't work out'
Like you left me. Like you ran away this summer.
'I am not running away. I'll just leave.'
'It is running away. And you'll always take it with you. You know as well as I do that it's not something that has to work out but you have to work out.'
'I know'
'Exactly and you know what? For this you need a healthy routine. Our bodies are habitual beings and we have to have a healthy routine to make our souls and spirits healthy too. That's what my dad always taught me. I am trying too.'
'hm'
'yes, and you need time for this my Love. I know in America they have all those instant things. Instant coffee. Instant food. But there is no such thing as instant growing up. You gotta give yourself more time. You have to bring yourself back on track.'
'I know'
'You are so wonderful and you have the obligation to be as wonderful as you can be. God gave you this gift and you gotta give your best. Your very best. And in order to do that you gotta be back on track. How could you expect this to take no time. You've been to hell and back. And it doesn't matter where you are then.'
I laugh. See who's saying that now. Last year it was him.
He laughs now too, shortly. I feel how he loves me. But he has to go now. Take a shower. I wonder whether he knows that he is the missing link.
'I might be going to Germany'
'What?'
'Yeah I wanted to talk to you because of this'
'Why?'
'If it doesn't work out in Missouri I ll just leave. First I come back to Hollywood and get you and then we go away to Germany together. Would you do this?'
'My love, why wouldn't it work out in Missouri and first of all, WHAT should work out?'
'I don't know, the black hole, the missink link'
I laughed nervously and roughly...
'You don't want me to start praying that it won't work out now, don't you!'
Because I would have done that a few weeks ago but now I don't
'I'll just leave'
'Are you scared?'
'Me? I am never scared'
'I've seen you scared before'
'No that's impossible'
'I've seen you. Trust me'
I think of that evening when she told me everything and you knew it and you were so nervous that you almost flipped out. You knew I knew and you didn't know how I would react. Sometimes I think back and develop different editions of my life. What I would have done differently and how that would have affected everything. What would have happened if I had kicked you out. Out of the apartment into the night. Out of my life. Would you have crawled to my door? Or never look back?
I still laugh when I think of how well you listened to my explanation of the painting I had made for you, now, that you were so scared. I took all the time of the world to do it. How I see love and relationships and growth and God. When I ended you said quietly you are so smart Emeralda. But my Mom laughed when I told her that story and she said you weren't smart! That was a powerful lesson of a matriachalic Goddess to her lover!
If he only knew. If he only knew.
'So, can I tell you something?'
'yeah'
'You can't run away from anything my Love. You can't always leave when something doesn't work out'
Like you left me. Like you ran away this summer.
'I am not running away. I'll just leave.'
'It is running away. And you'll always take it with you. You know as well as I do that it's not something that has to work out but you have to work out.'
'I know'
'Exactly and you know what? For this you need a healthy routine. Our bodies are habitual beings and we have to have a healthy routine to make our souls and spirits healthy too. That's what my dad always taught me. I am trying too.'
'hm'
'yes, and you need time for this my Love. I know in America they have all those instant things. Instant coffee. Instant food. But there is no such thing as instant growing up. You gotta give yourself more time. You have to bring yourself back on track.'
'I know'
'You are so wonderful and you have the obligation to be as wonderful as you can be. God gave you this gift and you gotta give your best. Your very best. And in order to do that you gotta be back on track. How could you expect this to take no time. You've been to hell and back. And it doesn't matter where you are then.'
I laugh. See who's saying that now. Last year it was him.
He laughs now too, shortly. I feel how he loves me. But he has to go now. Take a shower. I wonder whether he knows that he is the missing link.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Grey-gold dust in the morning sun
It is not easy being a writer
It is not easy to think of it as a noun rather than a verb
It is not easy to admit to doing something that thousand others have failed to do and yet another thousand others attempt to do as well
It is not easy to not think
Or look
Or fear
Or love nevertheless
It is when you start bleeding that you start to understand.
There is only so much blood and you can’t stop thinking that this better is worth it. That this is IT. The one thing that you want to bleed for, no matter what outcome.
It comes natural. A natural inclination to working it.
It isn’t music.
It isn’t painting.
It is describing.
It is story telling.
It is the wish to relate a story to someone.
The homeless lady I saw on the bus, her face covered in white powder and with her swollen elephant legs.
The little girl I saw in her.
The importance of the neglectable.
The girl I saw and then met on the street. Her story. The vile of salty water covering her eyes. The power in her posture and strut. Her words painting figures into the grey winter night with fingers so filigran as her soul.
Pink Floyd 1995 maybe. And the party at the barn. A little girl, that was me, being drawn in by the glass splintering and crashing in the sound.
It was mild summer nights in which I ran through meadows and in which I went swimming, naked, alone.
The moon so high. And I knew that it is important to know what kind of books your children read.
If you write you better write good. And You Better Work Hard.
Because the verb comes before the noun. A writing writer. Not a writer who writes.
It is not easy to think of it as a noun rather than a verb
It is not easy to admit to doing something that thousand others have failed to do and yet another thousand others attempt to do as well
It is not easy to not think
Or look
Or fear
Or love nevertheless
It is when you start bleeding that you start to understand.
There is only so much blood and you can’t stop thinking that this better is worth it. That this is IT. The one thing that you want to bleed for, no matter what outcome.
It comes natural. A natural inclination to working it.
It isn’t music.
It isn’t painting.
It is describing.
It is story telling.
It is the wish to relate a story to someone.
The homeless lady I saw on the bus, her face covered in white powder and with her swollen elephant legs.
The little girl I saw in her.
The importance of the neglectable.
The girl I saw and then met on the street. Her story. The vile of salty water covering her eyes. The power in her posture and strut. Her words painting figures into the grey winter night with fingers so filigran as her soul.
Pink Floyd 1995 maybe. And the party at the barn. A little girl, that was me, being drawn in by the glass splintering and crashing in the sound.
It was mild summer nights in which I ran through meadows and in which I went swimming, naked, alone.
The moon so high. And I knew that it is important to know what kind of books your children read.
If you write you better write good. And You Better Work Hard.
Because the verb comes before the noun. A writing writer. Not a writer who writes.
maybe I should go downstairs and show them how much fun it can be when I am around. You know. Just to leave a mark. A print in the carpet of social webs being woven late at night. Laughter, remarks, witty ones, drinks, alcoholic and non and spaghetti.
one more cup of coffee before I go
maybe I shouldn't. This isn't so important. After all and anymore. Life goes on and I gotta sleep and I gotta be by myself and I gotta do this and I gotta do that. They like me anyhow.
so I show two of them the house.
'...and here that's the picture of my ex-boyfriend but i don't like to say that, I still love him man, we still love each other, so I'd rather say he is my lover'
'he is a gypsy right?'
'yeah'
'I mean, a real one, right?'
'half. - half gypsy half romanian'
'that's the same'
'no it's not, Romanians hate gypsies'
'everybody hates them. Gosh, finnish gypsies....'
'me included'
maybe that's a lie I think as I retreat and not go back. maybe I've always loved the romantic notion of the whole idea of being a gypsy. maybe I have sympathized too much. maybe I've wondered too much, as a little girl. But there were so many songs. What are you gonna do. You sing and you sink.
It's late now and maybe I'll go back and see how the spaghetti are doing.
one more cup of coffee before I go
maybe I shouldn't. This isn't so important. After all and anymore. Life goes on and I gotta sleep and I gotta be by myself and I gotta do this and I gotta do that. They like me anyhow.
so I show two of them the house.
'...and here that's the picture of my ex-boyfriend but i don't like to say that, I still love him man, we still love each other, so I'd rather say he is my lover'
'he is a gypsy right?'
'yeah'
'I mean, a real one, right?'
'half. - half gypsy half romanian'
'that's the same'
'no it's not, Romanians hate gypsies'
'everybody hates them. Gosh, finnish gypsies....'
'me included'
maybe that's a lie I think as I retreat and not go back. maybe I've always loved the romantic notion of the whole idea of being a gypsy. maybe I have sympathized too much. maybe I've wondered too much, as a little girl. But there were so many songs. What are you gonna do. You sing and you sink.
It's late now and maybe I'll go back and see how the spaghetti are doing.
Monday, December 04, 2006
nords-no-words
No Words to say. Don't know what to say. I hang my head but I can't cry. Past is so irrefutable. Somehow. And mind bending scenarios don't change anything. You've set yourself up to this. You've set yourself up my dear. Don't forget to clean the dishes before you go and the teeth. And save yourself the pity of strangers.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
365 days
Hey Gypsy,
i went to the zoo with my little nephew today...in the morning he had woken me up by whispering in my ear 'I have the coolest aunt in the world! and sweet six-year old fuffles and snuffles and ruffles and kisses....then we had pancakes at
Mel's drive In. And I realized it's exactly one year ago that I sat
there with Klodi, the second of december 2005 waiting for you to join
us and I was all butterflies and airplanes inside. It was a crazy
feeling. I felt like a 13 year old girl all of the sudden. That's when
I gave up. That's when I stopped sabotaging what we had and admit the
love to flow through me too. And I still love you :) it's wonderful to
know you. There are many things that could be said and asked but in
the end it comes down to that - I just love you, in many ways. I am
never sad. Granted, yesterday night at my sister's house I missed you
and got all warm inside thinking of your kiss on this bed....and your touch...
But I am only happy when I think about this wonderful love that we were given.
This wonderful chance encounter that maybe wasn't so coincidental. I
learned so much and I grew so much and especially as well by not being
able to be with you during those last months. I hope that you can draw
from it just as I can do. And I hope you learned as much as I did and
I hope it makes you happy heppy too and that all those memories fuel
you just as they give me a smile whenever I come across them. It's
great to have loved and to love like this. Everything was so special
and beautiful and wonderful and exciting and intense and moving. Even
the hard times had so much meaning to them because we were really
trying and struggeling to come through. And it's been a blast and a
really good time. My best time I ever had with a lover. But you aren't
just a lover in my life, no, no, you are You, and
that is so wonderful.
Okay enough of that now :))
Take care and God bless this Day and You and this Love, in whichever
way it may transform. I'll take it anyway.
Your wild Child full of Grace
yes, indeed, strange days have found us...
i went to the zoo with my little nephew today...in the morning he had woken me up by whispering in my ear 'I have the coolest aunt in the world! and sweet six-year old fuffles and snuffles and ruffles and kisses....then we had pancakes at
Mel's drive In. And I realized it's exactly one year ago that I sat
there with Klodi, the second of december 2005 waiting for you to join
us and I was all butterflies and airplanes inside. It was a crazy
feeling. I felt like a 13 year old girl all of the sudden. That's when
I gave up. That's when I stopped sabotaging what we had and admit the
love to flow through me too. And I still love you :) it's wonderful to
know you. There are many things that could be said and asked but in
the end it comes down to that - I just love you, in many ways. I am
never sad. Granted, yesterday night at my sister's house I missed you
and got all warm inside thinking of your kiss on this bed....and your touch...
But I am only happy when I think about this wonderful love that we were given.
This wonderful chance encounter that maybe wasn't so coincidental. I
learned so much and I grew so much and especially as well by not being
able to be with you during those last months. I hope that you can draw
from it just as I can do. And I hope you learned as much as I did and
I hope it makes you happy heppy too and that all those memories fuel
you just as they give me a smile whenever I come across them. It's
great to have loved and to love like this. Everything was so special
and beautiful and wonderful and exciting and intense and moving. Even
the hard times had so much meaning to them because we were really
trying and struggeling to come through. And it's been a blast and a
really good time. My best time I ever had with a lover. But you aren't
just a lover in my life, no, no, you are You, and
that is so wonderful.
Okay enough of that now :))
Take care and God bless this Day and You and this Love, in whichever
way it may transform. I'll take it anyway.
Your wild Child full of Grace
yes, indeed, strange days have found us...
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