you see how i
shatter hearts made of glass on the floor
spread out the broken pieces in front of you
and you worry
do you see my joyful smile?!!
don't worry my dear
dearest sister
dearest friend
don't worry my dear
because this is where all things come to pass
lost in translation
but - it is what it is
maktub
they say
the mosaics made of those broken hearts
i present to you
in all their glory
joyfully reflecting
lives fruits and seasons
life and death
and love
don't worry my dear
dearest sister
dearest friend
don't worry
everything is written
Monday, February 25, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
the rose petal
A glass full of water. A red straw. A yellow lemon sclice, perfect, explosion in my mouth.
implosion in my heart.
there was a time when my heart broke. It was in Berlin, around this time of the year.
I showed in an istallation how it felt like. The heartache. As if the heart was massaged. I put cellophane stripes everywhere in the room, hanging randomly from the ceiling to the floor, with transparent photographs of me and my love on them, like a labyrinth of memories.
In the middle was a first aid dummy on the floor in which I had installed a switch so that if you gave the dummy a heart jump it would switch the sound and lights on.
The lights illuminated the pictures and the sound was a mix of my own sobbing and the crying of the girl in Mulholland Drive when she masturbates. The lights flashed like crazy, in circles, as if you were caught in this labyrinth of beautiful hurting memories.
In the corner was a TV on silent, to show how life goes on even if you feel dead like that. the exit was barrikaded with those red white striped construction ribbons and behind it there was a heart on the floor and the sound of a heart beating. A mirror at the wall. Because the only way out is to face yourself.
Today it is different.
Today it is a tsunami.
A racing heart.
And now I would do it differently. Now I would show a naked woman lying on a pedestrial with icecubes on her chest.
Because this is what i need right now.
Ice cubes to make myself ice cold.
To survive this brutal and enormous liberation.
implosion in my heart.
there was a time when my heart broke. It was in Berlin, around this time of the year.
I showed in an istallation how it felt like. The heartache. As if the heart was massaged. I put cellophane stripes everywhere in the room, hanging randomly from the ceiling to the floor, with transparent photographs of me and my love on them, like a labyrinth of memories.
In the middle was a first aid dummy on the floor in which I had installed a switch so that if you gave the dummy a heart jump it would switch the sound and lights on.
The lights illuminated the pictures and the sound was a mix of my own sobbing and the crying of the girl in Mulholland Drive when she masturbates. The lights flashed like crazy, in circles, as if you were caught in this labyrinth of beautiful hurting memories.
In the corner was a TV on silent, to show how life goes on even if you feel dead like that. the exit was barrikaded with those red white striped construction ribbons and behind it there was a heart on the floor and the sound of a heart beating. A mirror at the wall. Because the only way out is to face yourself.
Today it is different.
Today it is a tsunami.
A racing heart.
And now I would do it differently. Now I would show a naked woman lying on a pedestrial with icecubes on her chest.
Because this is what i need right now.
Ice cubes to make myself ice cold.
To survive this brutal and enormous liberation.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
fast
fast.
quick
quickie
in the office.
somewhere else?
maybe.
i have only a few seconds
the connection might fade.
you might lose it
i might be gone
and the music just takes me back
do i like to be in control?
tie me up.
ask me again.
and when we take it further
to the end of the world and back
i will
show yourself
u
the pocekt
the groove
i will unleash myself
against the tide
against
fast
dont let it go
hold it
hold me
breath into my
hair
quick
quickie
in the office.
somewhere else?
maybe.
i have only a few seconds
the connection might fade.
you might lose it
i might be gone
and the music just takes me back
do i like to be in control?
tie me up.
ask me again.
and when we take it further
to the end of the world and back
i will
show yourself
u
the pocekt
the groove
i will unleash myself
against the tide
against
fast
dont let it go
hold it
hold me
breath into my
hair
Sunday, February 10, 2008
personal
Funny
the four agreements
so simple
so effective
Don't take anything personal
Don't make any assumptions
Always do your best
Be impeccable with your word
I just had this long conversation with a woman who runs a great Cafe here.
Problems over problems with her business partner.
Takes everything too personal.
Too personal
the four agreements
so simple
so effective
Don't take anything personal
Don't make any assumptions
Always do your best
Be impeccable with your word
I just had this long conversation with a woman who runs a great Cafe here.
Problems over problems with her business partner.
Takes everything too personal.
Too personal
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Setting Sun
.
Yesterday I read a column in the Times about an online project that asks people to tell their life story in only six words. Hemingway style.
This is mine: Sunset: Loving who is dying inside.
you don't know what it's like he says and spits on the roof. his wary hand doesn't find the cigarette, stuck in the corner of his mouth, it went out, out like his eyes died just seconds ago and the lighter is just a faint replica of fires we once knew, faded memories...
all this, i have seen before and I don't have much time. The old brickstone building, with the mysterious redlit windows in the dark. The Japanese Restaurant I won't ever afford. The hills. The castle. The street. The dirt. The dizziness of life on the fast lane.
I swallow some tears, they are salty. Look away. Look back. His words tumble into the somber darkness like puppies that just learned to walk. I could feed them. Heed them. But I don't. Tonight I just listen. Hold his arms. His back. His heart.
I know that I don't know. At least that much. How can such a lucky person and such an unlucky person be so in love?
That's what I would like to know sometimes.
Later, on my old futon that I bought for twenty bucks from the creepy old Russian guy, I swayed back and forth between heart beats and heavy breathing.
You know nothing about what it's like to love someone who is dying inside.
Yesterday I read a column in the Times about an online project that asks people to tell their life story in only six words. Hemingway style.
This is mine: Sunset: Loving who is dying inside.
you don't know what it's like he says and spits on the roof. his wary hand doesn't find the cigarette, stuck in the corner of his mouth, it went out, out like his eyes died just seconds ago and the lighter is just a faint replica of fires we once knew, faded memories...
all this, i have seen before and I don't have much time. The old brickstone building, with the mysterious redlit windows in the dark. The Japanese Restaurant I won't ever afford. The hills. The castle. The street. The dirt. The dizziness of life on the fast lane.
I swallow some tears, they are salty. Look away. Look back. His words tumble into the somber darkness like puppies that just learned to walk. I could feed them. Heed them. But I don't. Tonight I just listen. Hold his arms. His back. His heart.
I know that I don't know. At least that much. How can such a lucky person and such an unlucky person be so in love?
That's what I would like to know sometimes.
Later, on my old futon that I bought for twenty bucks from the creepy old Russian guy, I swayed back and forth between heart beats and heavy breathing.
You know nothing about what it's like to love someone who is dying inside.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Monday, December 31, 2007
a beautiful story to tell
looking back i see and feel so much
and looking forward from this place is like looking into a apricot golden sunset at home
many times i told strangers and loved ones that this place has always been the last place i would have ever imagined myself at.
to the point that i wouldn't even have thought about it in the last of my dreams
and so there i was, thrown in by life and circumstance, learning to take steps within my own future.
like writing a story on the go
without knowing where the next word would lead you to.
it's a feeling as if i was a stranger in my own world
a fiction in my own reality
looking back i see and feel so much
infinite stories wrapped into one
the helicopters accompanying my pounding fists
scorching heat assembling tears and fears
lonely moments of moon, stars and palmwinds soothing my soul
there is the ocean and the shore
with love filled memories painting tales of being found and lost
and lost and found
learning to make money and music
find souls and feel a knife in my back
the red haired friend who disappeared in disappointment
the curls of your raven black hair haunting my dreams
friends who just are
to be with
and streets to be walked if you take the steps
trees, wind and sun and rain
who do we turn to
to bow and spill our gratitude
for a half moon in the heavens
and palmtrees in the night
stars eternally being cold and comforting
holding the names of unknown lovers hostage
when i look back i feel so much
i just
wonder
marvel
thank
so much
and looking forward from this place is like looking into a apricot golden sunset at home
many times i told strangers and loved ones that this place has always been the last place i would have ever imagined myself at.
to the point that i wouldn't even have thought about it in the last of my dreams
and so there i was, thrown in by life and circumstance, learning to take steps within my own future.
like writing a story on the go
without knowing where the next word would lead you to.
it's a feeling as if i was a stranger in my own world
a fiction in my own reality
looking back i see and feel so much
infinite stories wrapped into one
the helicopters accompanying my pounding fists
scorching heat assembling tears and fears
lonely moments of moon, stars and palmwinds soothing my soul
there is the ocean and the shore
with love filled memories painting tales of being found and lost
and lost and found
learning to make money and music
find souls and feel a knife in my back
the red haired friend who disappeared in disappointment
the curls of your raven black hair haunting my dreams
friends who just are
to be with
and streets to be walked if you take the steps
trees, wind and sun and rain
who do we turn to
to bow and spill our gratitude
for a half moon in the heavens
and palmtrees in the night
stars eternally being cold and comforting
holding the names of unknown lovers hostage
when i look back i feel so much
i just
wonder
marvel
thank
so much
Saturday, December 29, 2007
.
build to last.
memories so fickle.
disappearing and resurfacing arbitrarily
build to last
love for a life time
almost like trying to capture air in a tower
when it's already everywhere
getting fucked by every living thing with a lung
out there
and you
you ask me now
where to go and what to do
and i sit back
and an old friend visits me
resurfacing
fickle
and dancing
laughing
a memory
that resurfaces
right time
right mind
it says 'you will never know until you go'
and that the worst vice is advice.
memories so fickle.
disappearing and resurfacing arbitrarily
build to last
love for a life time
almost like trying to capture air in a tower
when it's already everywhere
getting fucked by every living thing with a lung
out there
and you
you ask me now
where to go and what to do
and i sit back
and an old friend visits me
resurfacing
fickle
and dancing
laughing
a memory
that resurfaces
right time
right mind
it says 'you will never know until you go'
and that the worst vice is advice.
Monday, December 24, 2007
in the middle - a wishing well
it s early xmas eve.
you sitting somewhere
you you you
the big D
the word that everybody knows is inevitably part in every of my conversations
the word that she changed, shortened,
the word that I won t give up
she has been a shadow all these summer months
over my brightness
and I couldn t just walk away
to see whether there was sun in
other places too
so I stayed
and you too
and the shadow
cooling a boiling heart but
alas
inept
inapt
THE ASHES THE ASHES - will they fertilize new ground?
will they be our blessing?
I wish for it
in a starry night
way up in the mountains
with a big halo around the full moon
with my muscles aching
my heart on stand by
secretly yearning
Once upon a time
I dreamt
a wishing well....
I leaned over it
saw my reflection
my long hair
it fell
when I got up it had turned golden and I
I had forgotten
who I was
and where you were
and if we already had met
and whether I knew your name
but i knew
it was your love
that I was wishing for
(Im not sure about the ending yet)
you sitting somewhere
you you you
the big D
the word that everybody knows is inevitably part in every of my conversations
the word that she changed, shortened,
the word that I won t give up
she has been a shadow all these summer months
over my brightness
and I couldn t just walk away
to see whether there was sun in
other places too
so I stayed
and you too
and the shadow
cooling a boiling heart but
alas
inept
inapt
THE ASHES THE ASHES - will they fertilize new ground?
will they be our blessing?
I wish for it
in a starry night
way up in the mountains
with a big halo around the full moon
with my muscles aching
my heart on stand by
secretly yearning
Once upon a time
I dreamt
a wishing well....
I leaned over it
saw my reflection
my long hair
it fell
when I got up it had turned golden and I
I had forgotten
who I was
and where you were
and if we already had met
and whether I knew your name
but i knew
it was your love
that I was wishing for
(Im not sure about the ending yet)
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
she got the blues
caught up in the struggle
to be alright
to do what it takes
to sleep at night
she got the blues
she used to give great advice
we all have it in us
just not just right now
maybe later
things I regret
like a treasure chest
full of glory
sunken
in silence
can't regret no more
you gotta give and take
right now
not later
all these mornings i didn't get up
didn't see nor look out there
tangled up in his arms in silence
changed it for a world in here
seeing, feeling, thinking through
his beloved heart beat
his holding me
so precious
and
his breath
like the ocean
rolling in and out
of my soul
teaching me love
in a language that doesn't know words
or any kind of loud infiltrations
evaluations or judgemets or
the better of anything
no cold hard shapes or forms
just a flower blossoming
singing in color
in a silence that teaches nothing
and all
can't regret
all the losses that occured
in an other world
you gotta take
and give
as long as it is
not just a dream
not longing
or yearning
anymore
she is scared
got a now to lose
see,
it's a trade baby
for a space
to long
to yearn
all over again
to be alright
to do what it takes
to sleep at night
she got the blues
she used to give great advice
we all have it in us
just not just right now
maybe later
things I regret
like a treasure chest
full of glory
sunken
in silence
can't regret no more
you gotta give and take
right now
not later
all these mornings i didn't get up
didn't see nor look out there
tangled up in his arms in silence
changed it for a world in here
seeing, feeling, thinking through
his beloved heart beat
his holding me
so precious
and
his breath
like the ocean
rolling in and out
of my soul
teaching me love
in a language that doesn't know words
or any kind of loud infiltrations
evaluations or judgemets or
the better of anything
no cold hard shapes or forms
just a flower blossoming
singing in color
in a silence that teaches nothing
and all
can't regret
all the losses that occured
in an other world
you gotta take
and give
as long as it is
not just a dream
not longing
or yearning
anymore
she is scared
got a now to lose
see,
it's a trade baby
for a space
to long
to yearn
all over again
Monday, December 03, 2007
nurse (I miss you.) (I miss for anyone who loved to take two steps towards each other)
it's something about
taking care
nourishing
and you walk, trying to keep the blood from
merging with eternity
lick your wounds or just forget them
either way
there will be salt some where
and in a short moment you look up
inbetween runs
to make ends meet
realizing you are only
twenty four
halfway grown up
but so busy anyway
little joys
to be shared
die and drown in moments
that you spend too far away
from anyone anywhere
the middle point of the earth shifts
you look up and see her
somewhere far away
(nourish? care?)
for now just
waving
being waved back
and we keep licking
or forgetting
either way
there is salt in tears
taking care
nourishing
and you walk, trying to keep the blood from
merging with eternity
lick your wounds or just forget them
either way
there will be salt some where
and in a short moment you look up
inbetween runs
to make ends meet
realizing you are only
twenty four
halfway grown up
but so busy anyway
little joys
to be shared
die and drown in moments
that you spend too far away
from anyone anywhere
the middle point of the earth shifts
you look up and see her
somewhere far away
(nourish? care?)
for now just
waving
being waved back
and we keep licking
or forgetting
either way
there is salt in tears
Sunday, November 25, 2007
the offering
it upsets me
and i keep stumbling over it
it's not so much the other side
but my side that i am crying for
wanting your touch
rejecting it in real time
friends pale like falling leaves
forgotten strengths sailing
far away
you can just hold me and it will be ok
but words fail so many times
it's like keeping eating rotten rats
when there is nowhere to hide anymore
and dirt seeths through my windows
everything clogged up
reality no more
life is stranger than fiction
and i am dying thereof
i love you in so many strange ways
but i cant make it right
don't have the greatness that it d take
i am not Him
and i don't even sing to Him enough
failing again
waiting for the day that you will read this
true curiosity about me
the one you are sleeping next to.
rocking gently back and forth in your arms
dreams sway me away
the wee morning hours don't last long
soon
they will come
to get the last pieces of my offering
and i keep stumbling over it
it's not so much the other side
but my side that i am crying for
wanting your touch
rejecting it in real time
friends pale like falling leaves
forgotten strengths sailing
far away
you can just hold me and it will be ok
but words fail so many times
it's like keeping eating rotten rats
when there is nowhere to hide anymore
and dirt seeths through my windows
everything clogged up
reality no more
life is stranger than fiction
and i am dying thereof
i love you in so many strange ways
but i cant make it right
don't have the greatness that it d take
i am not Him
and i don't even sing to Him enough
failing again
waiting for the day that you will read this
true curiosity about me
the one you are sleeping next to.
rocking gently back and forth in your arms
dreams sway me away
the wee morning hours don't last long
soon
they will come
to get the last pieces of my offering
free
whispers beneath the ice
idle in dreaming
i found my child again
a life beyond the expected
it was never meant to be any different
there is nothing you can do
only yourself
go yourself
love transcendent
transcending into the skies
the heavens
the earth
know that i love you
but i have to be free
from wanting you
because you are already there
idle in dreaming
i found my child again
a life beyond the expected
it was never meant to be any different
there is nothing you can do
only yourself
go yourself
love transcendent
transcending into the skies
the heavens
the earth
know that i love you
but i have to be free
from wanting you
because you are already there
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