D___, my love and my prince and my everything,
please read this long mail carefully, because i really put some thought in it.....
so do you remember how i said i can't be your everything, because God is your everything? well that's true now more so than ever, and i still think, that first of all we have the responsibility between God and ourselves, and then towards those we love most. and yet i still think, that in a love relationship, in a serious one, in a marriage let's say, two persons can develop their love and grow in God, you know? But whether or not that's for us, is not up to us, in the end i think, my love. because it is what it is. and we will find out in due time.
THe 'whether or not' hurts real bad, though, but I realized, that most of the pain is probably due to me wanting something that maybe is not and i just have to let it go and see what is underneath all of this.
so first of all, don't be afraid of hurting me. The reason I am with you is because i am strong enough to be with you. And I would be also strong enough to NOT be physically with you but in eternal love. Never forget that it was me who took your hand first and you who asked me to invite you into the camper bed. you are a very good person D____, and maybe you just needed the right people and the surrounding to let it show all the time and not only every now and then. i don't know you in the past but from the pain i heard in your voice when you told me those stories i know that you never entirely wanted that and you will, and i know that for sure, you will not be in the eternal loneliness that accompanies hell because i will always be with you, because you love me more than life itself and even if i don't reach that far, it will be God with you, through everything you have to go through because he won't forget, and that's too for sure, any of his children who ask for forgiveness.
what you can do, while you are still on earth, in order to preserve your chance of salvation is to simply lead a good life.
it's not like you have to work hard to preserve those chances because God gives you that chance with joy and love. You remember how in the bible Jesus talks about how every time somebody would ask for forgiveness, even seven times, every time he would be forgiven?
well, d___, excusing yourself for deeds you do is a waste of time and stupid to do.
you always had a choice. but you didn't have the time and the care and the education that a young person needs in order to develop the will power to always stick to the right choices and the peace of mind to actually be able to recognize the right choices. you lived a life on the fast lane and you weren't empowered really to be in charge all the time.
so there is even a greater chance for you to find salvation as there is justice that actually knows what was in your heart all the time, that knows about the evil power of drugs that puts you out of your mind and that judges harder when the person is actually grown up and knows what he/she is doing. you weren't grown up.
you had to learn and understand it the hard way and I am really really sad and sorry for that, for you. That's the actualy crime and pain and sadness that overwhelms me when i think of it, how such a beautiful soul could be so misguided and left alone in the years when it needed guidance and help the most. i wish i could have been there, or someone, and i feel like a mother and like a lover and like a sister and like a friend and like yourself to you.
it makes me cry but i don't want you to be afraid or sad that you make me feel that way.
it is nothing that i would complain of.
i welcome the pain in my life, just like i welcome you.
so to get back to my initial train of thought: while you are on earth what you can do on your square (which i didn't really understand what that means) is, to just live a good life, take care of yourself first, so you can help others. be of service to others, serve Gods children. serve to preserve the planet that God created and in which he lives, too, there is beauty in it, undeniable and it has nothing to do with the fleeting beauty of erotica, fun, happy times or whatever.
when you do good and live humble you do the right thing. i was so proud of you when you bought that book instead of stealing it. things like that, you know, they count. i am not proud of you to abandon R____ though, it s something that Viola did to me and I don't see the point in it. It is crucial to say, that you make clear to him, that you don't want to accept him being gay no more, but that you still love HIM. - But if you need to quit contact entirely right now, I ll respect your decision. Even if you had to sacrifice me because you can't put up with my diverging beliefs or my still searching what you may have found, I wouldn't judge or disrespect you for that and most certainly I wouldn't stop loving you.
no, i don't think this chapter was a tragedy. it was full of intense life and love and we are not the author really so we also don't know when it ends and when it leads over to a new chapter.
whole life is a tragedy in a way, sometimes it seems it is a comic tragedy, if you think of repeating patterns in your life and so on, but i tell you something, as the drama queen i probably am i love life like that.
and our chapter too.
and i most certainly profited from it musically: today in the bart station I sat down and played the guitar, some bluesy stuff, while waiting for the train. as i etnered the train this woman comes up to me and says: it was so beautiful to listen to you. i am sure more people than just me feel that way. i looked around and realized they really liked it. and i realized that i had played, self forgotten, all my pain into notes and all the weird and yet beautiful ways of tears and life into notes and it was just amazing and revealing to me: blues is something you got to live to know.
also, i bought a book in the city lights book store, it jumped basically into my arms as i entered the store: andalusian gypsy lyrics. flamenco.... the mostly four liners of lyrics just fired into my heart, straight, and it hit me hard. and i realized that the beauty in this raw expression lies therein, that when we know love in the painful and joyful and blissful and all those other versions, we get closer to God.
a shallow life never reveals the entire overwhelming power of love
and those who dare to live and who dare to love and who dare to sink humbly down on their knees to ask for forgiveness, they will find a way for sure my love and i know you will
don't be embarrassed of God. He has known you all those years, from the beginning, he has seen into your heart and knows what really was up. D____, you may have done bad things in your life and you will have to pay for it in some way or other and you still, as long as you are on earth, have to shoulder the responsibility of living a good life and keep yourself healthy, keep this gift that God gave you in good condition, as good as possible, after all....
but you are not a bad person.
doing bad and being bad is two different kind of things.
i would sacrifice myself for you my love if i knew that it was the only right thing to do. but i may have to also be there for the rest of this world because i can.
as you said, i am blessed with a lot of love and i always felt the responsibility to give from it to this world. so we will see how our ways can be close together and how we can lives our lifes according to what God wants for and from us and we will take it a step at a time and be humble and in service...
okay that was a lot to say.
the short version of it is:
I love you no matter what. And you will never be alone. And you are a good person I know that for a fact. You did not fake it.
ah, my precious wonderful strong, weak, hurt, caring, absolutely loving ...
Friday, June 30, 2006
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
solitude
i am so jealous of the people who can see him now on an every day basis. and who are in the background when i call.
i miss him so much.
and i will miss him even more.
i can't be with people anymore although it helps to cover the pain. when i am alone the pain becomes my best friend.
in solitude i cry.
i miss him so much.
and i will miss him even more.
i can't be with people anymore although it helps to cover the pain. when i am alone the pain becomes my best friend.
in solitude i cry.
The Timeless Explosion To Fantasies Dream...
I dont know anymore. What to say. What to do. I dont have any more answers, nor do I have anything to ask. Just a solution........Im finished.
Im 20 years old but Ive lived my life (or someone elses for that matter).
Im sick.
I dont fear dying but I fear the loneliness that accompanies eternal Hell. Ive done many bad things in my life and I welcome and am thankful for the punishment I so rightly deserve and will inevitably recieve.
The one thing I fear tho is hurting you Emeralda. Im afraid...Im afraid of dragging you along with me. I dont know what will happen to me...to you...to us. I dont know. I dont know...I dont know. I just want to live the rest of my life on the square, to preserve any chance of salvation I have.
Maybe Im crazy.
I dont know what will happen. I know I love You. I know I love God. thats all I know.
Our chapter may be continuing, it may be ending...I dont know. maybe the chapter we have written was nothing more than a tragedy. But Emeralda, the book you have written for your life, and continue to write, that book will have a heppy ending. God has blessed you with great love and it emanates from you. you are my angel. YOU ARE MY ANGEL EMERALDA. I love you more than life itself. And no matter what happens, I need you in some facet in my life. Forgive me for everything. May God continue to bless you and your beautiful family.
your ...
Im 20 years old but Ive lived my life (or someone elses for that matter).
Im sick.
I dont fear dying but I fear the loneliness that accompanies eternal Hell. Ive done many bad things in my life and I welcome and am thankful for the punishment I so rightly deserve and will inevitably recieve.
The one thing I fear tho is hurting you Emeralda. Im afraid...Im afraid of dragging you along with me. I dont know what will happen to me...to you...to us. I dont know. I dont know...I dont know. I just want to live the rest of my life on the square, to preserve any chance of salvation I have.
Maybe Im crazy.
I dont know what will happen. I know I love You. I know I love God. thats all I know.
Our chapter may be continuing, it may be ending...I dont know. maybe the chapter we have written was nothing more than a tragedy. But Emeralda, the book you have written for your life, and continue to write, that book will have a heppy ending. God has blessed you with great love and it emanates from you. you are my angel. YOU ARE MY ANGEL EMERALDA. I love you more than life itself. And no matter what happens, I need you in some facet in my life. Forgive me for everything. May God continue to bless you and your beautiful family.
your ...
but
you said, it will be all good! you wanted to marry me! and support me! and you said it would all work out....and have her with us, the sweet girl of our dreams. and those plans we had, in shatters now. and then, that we do have at least the same core foundations! that we could raise children and..
..shhhh...
..shut the music down and be quiet and enter the core of your existence: pain. in waves it crushes over me, out of me, and back into me my mind gets lost in the thunderstorm of ...
you
in tears i ackonwledge the sweetness of our being, the moving aspects of memories behind the veil of tears
they wash
me
and we both feel how sacrifice beckons or demands
if i only knew what is right
but then i see
i can be true despite you
and i can be true and faithful to you despite them
and i can be with you in my heart
even though it just fucking hurts so bad
to only think of it
but maybe i have to pain(t) the rainbow
in all its splendor and maybe i have to throw myself
into this fire
burn
..shhhh...
..shut the music down and be quiet and enter the core of your existence: pain. in waves it crushes over me, out of me, and back into me my mind gets lost in the thunderstorm of ...
you
in tears i ackonwledge the sweetness of our being, the moving aspects of memories behind the veil of tears
they wash
me
and we both feel how sacrifice beckons or demands
if i only knew what is right
but then i see
i can be true despite you
and i can be true and faithful to you despite them
and i can be with you in my heart
even though it just fucking hurts so bad
to only think of it
but maybe i have to pain(t) the rainbow
in all its splendor and maybe i have to throw myself
into this fire
burn
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
falling apart
He said, you don't have to leave the room, I am not going to talk a lot anyways.
I always leave the room said I and sank into the safety of the upstairs sofa.
So what is it. Nothing. No, seriously, there is something my love, tell me what it is.
We are falling apart said he.
And then he said, don't cry, I don't want you to be sad and I said, how can't i be sad, I am actually relieved you should have said that because that's what I felt too and I cry here all the time, it is not fun to be in San Francisco.
It hurts so bad. It feels like five kitchen knifes stabbed right into my heart. steering in there, soup maybe. soulfood. heart melange. so to say.
Why is it, do you think, that this is happening? i asked trying to be all sober.
We are growing apart. I can't put up with things, with nothing, with life. I can bareley stay alive. I don't know what is wrong with me.
Do you have the feeling you are too big of a burden to me?
What?
I said, do you have the feeling... no, I don't. I don't know Emeralda, I simply don't know what is wrong with me.
Well, love, how can you be surprised about that? Drugs don't only mess with your body, they mess with your spirit and mind too! It's been one and a half years! your body is sick and messed up. And you are still struggeling with that. How can you expect that your wounds in the soul, your mind, had enough time to heal and be back to normal?
I don't know.
I do. It is insane.
I can't change Emeralda. There are too many things that I can't put up with, and I won't change.
Oh my god. The pain is so fucking deep inside, my sobs shake me now as if I was sick. Because, this is exactly the point. The one thing that I felt was driving us apart: that we can't change the way we are that we can't change the way it goes. I mean, we can change, to some extend, but I had the same feeling about him. Having a hard time to change. And who would be to blame. Nobody...
Don't cry my love, I love you so much you are my best friend in this whole world.
It just hurts so bad. I can't help it.
What hurts.
I don't know. It's been hurting all the time. This feeling, I had it too.
I know I can change, but I don't want to, I say. And then I cry and cry and try not to but silently my face gets soaked in salt water from this eternal sea.
Just don't jump to conclusions he says. We just need to sit down and talk.
I am happy you said all that I say.
It's been half an hour. so much for not talking.
I am so happy because I am not an actress and I can't pretend everything is okay when in reality I am going through this every day, trying to distract me, yes, even trying to look at other guys.
All my thoughts and feelings at the peripherie tell me the same thing you just told me now. It is happening. I don't know whether it is life or not, but lets not get into reasoning here. What I was going to say is,
I love you so much
and in the end of the day all I want is to
lay in your arms
and be with yoru
and hold you
and be held by you
and just
fucking
be
with you. and dream. of Sofia and the other kids. and be able to dream without feeling cut in half when the pain kicks in and soaks my throat with sorrow.
Emeralda, he says
I love you man
I always leave the room said I and sank into the safety of the upstairs sofa.
So what is it. Nothing. No, seriously, there is something my love, tell me what it is.
We are falling apart said he.
And then he said, don't cry, I don't want you to be sad and I said, how can't i be sad, I am actually relieved you should have said that because that's what I felt too and I cry here all the time, it is not fun to be in San Francisco.
It hurts so bad. It feels like five kitchen knifes stabbed right into my heart. steering in there, soup maybe. soulfood. heart melange. so to say.
Why is it, do you think, that this is happening? i asked trying to be all sober.
We are growing apart. I can't put up with things, with nothing, with life. I can bareley stay alive. I don't know what is wrong with me.
Do you have the feeling you are too big of a burden to me?
What?
I said, do you have the feeling... no, I don't. I don't know Emeralda, I simply don't know what is wrong with me.
Well, love, how can you be surprised about that? Drugs don't only mess with your body, they mess with your spirit and mind too! It's been one and a half years! your body is sick and messed up. And you are still struggeling with that. How can you expect that your wounds in the soul, your mind, had enough time to heal and be back to normal?
I don't know.
I do. It is insane.
I can't change Emeralda. There are too many things that I can't put up with, and I won't change.
Oh my god. The pain is so fucking deep inside, my sobs shake me now as if I was sick. Because, this is exactly the point. The one thing that I felt was driving us apart: that we can't change the way we are that we can't change the way it goes. I mean, we can change, to some extend, but I had the same feeling about him. Having a hard time to change. And who would be to blame. Nobody...
Don't cry my love, I love you so much you are my best friend in this whole world.
It just hurts so bad. I can't help it.
What hurts.
I don't know. It's been hurting all the time. This feeling, I had it too.
I know I can change, but I don't want to, I say. And then I cry and cry and try not to but silently my face gets soaked in salt water from this eternal sea.
Just don't jump to conclusions he says. We just need to sit down and talk.
I am happy you said all that I say.
It's been half an hour. so much for not talking.
I am so happy because I am not an actress and I can't pretend everything is okay when in reality I am going through this every day, trying to distract me, yes, even trying to look at other guys.
All my thoughts and feelings at the peripherie tell me the same thing you just told me now. It is happening. I don't know whether it is life or not, but lets not get into reasoning here. What I was going to say is,
I love you so much
and in the end of the day all I want is to
lay in your arms
and be with yoru
and hold you
and be held by you
and just
fucking
be
with you. and dream. of Sofia and the other kids. and be able to dream without feeling cut in half when the pain kicks in and soaks my throat with sorrow.
Emeralda, he says
I love you man
Sunday, June 25, 2006
heart rending
it basically feels like as if a tiger found the way out and found my heartin his restless circeling ways - caught in a foreign country - . he is rending my heart.
it is not broken, not yet, no no, it's just being torn apart, piece by piece and the white and colored laundry swings in the wind high above the streets. memories of another life in Italy.
But now i am in little italy in San Francisco, the city that embraced me like someone who believes in love at first sight.
A person who was a stranger yesterday talked to me until four AM and the next morning he and his roommate took me on a motorbike trip outside San Francisco - the smells and views overwhelming and the sun too: I am a child under the lucky star.
So the typical emeralda-magical happenings occur here too, as if it didn't matter that my heart, as I am walking, as I am typing these words away, just won't stop hurting and jumping from one side to the other in my chest.
Tigerclaws and tigerteeth surround my soul. It is foggy and cold: San Francisco changes it's moods as I do. Swinging back and forth from tears to happily dancing to music i hear on the street.
Loud music is good: it distracts me from listening to your pathetic unreasonable whining, heart. Why should you worry about the future or a now that is inexistent? Why should you long for a different reality when the one you are in is so insanly beautiful and lucky too?
Birds are flying high in the sky and the hills roll up and down in the bay.
So maybe this is, how it feels, when your heart dies.
So maybe this is the lesson in loneliness that I didn't really get yet, maybe.
So maybe this is the weirdest time in my life that feels more unreal than anything before in my life just so I could remember it painfully clearly some day in the grey, misty future.
Maybe this is. .
it is not broken, not yet, no no, it's just being torn apart, piece by piece and the white and colored laundry swings in the wind high above the streets. memories of another life in Italy.
But now i am in little italy in San Francisco, the city that embraced me like someone who believes in love at first sight.
A person who was a stranger yesterday talked to me until four AM and the next morning he and his roommate took me on a motorbike trip outside San Francisco - the smells and views overwhelming and the sun too: I am a child under the lucky star.
So the typical emeralda-magical happenings occur here too, as if it didn't matter that my heart, as I am walking, as I am typing these words away, just won't stop hurting and jumping from one side to the other in my chest.
Tigerclaws and tigerteeth surround my soul. It is foggy and cold: San Francisco changes it's moods as I do. Swinging back and forth from tears to happily dancing to music i hear on the street.
Loud music is good: it distracts me from listening to your pathetic unreasonable whining, heart. Why should you worry about the future or a now that is inexistent? Why should you long for a different reality when the one you are in is so insanly beautiful and lucky too?
Birds are flying high in the sky and the hills roll up and down in the bay.
So maybe this is, how it feels, when your heart dies.
So maybe this is the lesson in loneliness that I didn't really get yet, maybe.
So maybe this is the weirdest time in my life that feels more unreal than anything before in my life just so I could remember it painfully clearly some day in the grey, misty future.
Maybe this is. .
she lost her heart in san francisco
she said she lost her heart in san Francisco and I walk through the
streets and hide my tears behind my shades. her dad died when she was here and her love failed to make love to her and him she lost too. and now i am here, months later, couples walk by, hand in hand, soulfully peacefully fully of confidence it seems.
the sun goes down and I still feel my heart beating, but today it
beats in the right side of my chest, it is no longer more towards the
left side and i feel a thousand little sobs hide behind my muscles.
i wonder whether this is it and whether this is it how it feels like
when you lose it.
i just so don't feel you there anymore. your voice is distand and weak
and your words are full of hate and contempt and intolerance, things
we've been over for so many times already but right now i really can't
listen to them. i don't know, maybe it s right for you to be that way.
but the strongest message i get from Christ's teachings is the one of
love and mercy and forgivingness. you can't look down at these people
and you can't judge anybody. it makes me feel so sick. like I am going
to lose you.
the beauty of the now and the here slowly eats my brain and i fight
against it and i cry and i lament and i am terrified.
it is so fucking beautiful.
and you are not there.
and not here
and i don't know
i don't know
i simply don't know
anymore
streets and hide my tears behind my shades. her dad died when she was here and her love failed to make love to her and him she lost too. and now i am here, months later, couples walk by, hand in hand, soulfully peacefully fully of confidence it seems.
the sun goes down and I still feel my heart beating, but today it
beats in the right side of my chest, it is no longer more towards the
left side and i feel a thousand little sobs hide behind my muscles.
i wonder whether this is it and whether this is it how it feels like
when you lose it.
i just so don't feel you there anymore. your voice is distand and weak
and your words are full of hate and contempt and intolerance, things
we've been over for so many times already but right now i really can't
listen to them. i don't know, maybe it s right for you to be that way.
but the strongest message i get from Christ's teachings is the one of
love and mercy and forgivingness. you can't look down at these people
and you can't judge anybody. it makes me feel so sick. like I am going
to lose you.
the beauty of the now and the here slowly eats my brain and i fight
against it and i cry and i lament and i am terrified.
it is so fucking beautiful.
and you are not there.
and not here
and i don't know
i don't know
i simply don't know
anymore
anuschka
I miss you
I miss you oh so much
But you are flaming into the sky
San Francisco sure is worth many stories and they happen right here, too. I found myself in the gorgeous run-down apartment of a friend's friend, which reminded me so much of Berlin.
And then we jamed and then I sang this song for you, Anuschka.
I miss you oh so much
but you are flaming into the sky, beautifully flaming, and I am not sad nor will I shed a tear over you because you are so beautifully flaming into the sky.
it just feels good to know
that you are there
dancing
in spirals of love
in life
I miss you oh so much
But you are flaming into the sky
San Francisco sure is worth many stories and they happen right here, too. I found myself in the gorgeous run-down apartment of a friend's friend, which reminded me so much of Berlin.
And then we jamed and then I sang this song for you, Anuschka.
I miss you oh so much
but you are flaming into the sky, beautifully flaming, and I am not sad nor will I shed a tear over you because you are so beautifully flaming into the sky.
it just feels good to know
that you are there
dancing
in spirals of love
in life
Saturday, June 24, 2006
smaragd.emerald
As soon as we passed the hill and drove down to Berkeley the heat dropped from 111 degrees to 64.
Love at first sight. This place looks and feels like: I could raise my kids here.
But you are far away and you are uncertain, who knows how long you will live.
I love San Francisco, I am alone, I love being alone, I meet the best things and people when I am alone you know. Somehow travelling, I mean, the backpacking version of it, the thrill of this sense of adventure i get when I am alone at a trainstation with my guitar and backpack makes me unusually charismatic for some reason.
And meet the right people, always.
It's a blessing I guess and I hope I can give back.
but you are so far away. now i listen to 2raumwohnung, German sounds. memories of a different life when I saw you everywhere but didn't know you were there, in San Francisco in a life full of different shades of dark.
light?
so i walk through frisco and i love it and everywhere i ask myself: has he been here, what did he experience here? and then i get terribly sad and just want to go and see you. maybe i take the bus tomorrow and kidnap you and bring you to a hospital. fuck brazil. i d rather pay the doctor's bill then go anywhere.
i want you to live with me. we still have so much to discover and develop and reveal and create.
ah love. ah, ah, ah my love.
Love at first sight. This place looks and feels like: I could raise my kids here.
But you are far away and you are uncertain, who knows how long you will live.
I love San Francisco, I am alone, I love being alone, I meet the best things and people when I am alone you know. Somehow travelling, I mean, the backpacking version of it, the thrill of this sense of adventure i get when I am alone at a trainstation with my guitar and backpack makes me unusually charismatic for some reason.
And meet the right people, always.
It's a blessing I guess and I hope I can give back.
but you are so far away. now i listen to 2raumwohnung, German sounds. memories of a different life when I saw you everywhere but didn't know you were there, in San Francisco in a life full of different shades of dark.
light?
so i walk through frisco and i love it and everywhere i ask myself: has he been here, what did he experience here? and then i get terribly sad and just want to go and see you. maybe i take the bus tomorrow and kidnap you and bring you to a hospital. fuck brazil. i d rather pay the doctor's bill then go anywhere.
i want you to live with me. we still have so much to discover and develop and reveal and create.
ah love. ah, ah, ah my love.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Wet questions, how to fog up your sunglasses and a punk who fed me healthy pistachios
The song is powerful. Loaded with associations and memories it catapults me back in a place where I look faithfully into the nowhere and nowhen. 'Wet questions' by Keziah Jones, and a sun going down through shades, sneaking into our messy room filled up with anger. 'what about the corpses in the seine?' exactly.
I paste the lyrics further down for your pleasure.
Lost are the moments of bitter tears, like a reflection in unsteady water, blurred, somewhat fickle.
This is how you fog up your sunglasses that shelter your eyes from the world out there. Nobody can see your eyes, red from tears that keep on rolling despite your wild entangled thoughts that in a swirlwind rock the caroussel of a tight rope dance over an abyss of madness.
Almost scared that you indulge into the self-pittying sentiments of tragic love-stories, of a dead lover, a broken heart and uncontrolled sobbing in the face of a seemingly cruel and indifferent destiny you try to catch a glance of the clouds in the blue, immaculate Californian sky but your glasses are steamed up and you can't see anything really: underneath there is the real pain and it doesn't care about any crazy, sinful, absurd, sentimental thoughts that you come up with to punish yourself, to torture yourself, to put yourself down, instead of up, - which would be what he needs now, in those difficult times.
'but, but.... it's always been fucking difficult! those three weeks of innocently holding hands have passed too quickly! he's been doing that for the third time now! you have a vacation - boom, he almost dies. How long will you be able to take this, huh????' that's so out of context honey. you have plenty of energy and resources to survive way worse times. sober up. please. of course the images of a funeral and a dead heart broken wild child cross your mind. of course the horrifying self-massacring glimpse into a train of thought that is best described as morbid, makes you bite your tongue. it is so morbid...he, dying, and you heart broken, and one problem less, life taking your decisions in it's own hands. child, child, don't let yourself be fooled. these are tricks your mind is playing. you are alright. you are okay. you don't feel that way for real.
because underneath all of this crazyiness, there is a pure lake of tears at the bottom of your heart, it is called love.
on Hollywood Blvd she sits down with Priscilla, a punk-girl from LA. She shares bubblegum and health pistachios 'they are healthy' she says and laughs, her eyes are so pretty and the bluegreen hair; my favorite color. she saves up money for whiskey and finds a guy who has the same charger as her phone, he hooks her up, little things make the day and Hector gets a tatoo. 'she is such a cutie' Priscilla says on the phone to her friend Jesse, who wants to talk to me and says I sound hot. Germans, hahaha, ah, so attractive.
a kite in the sky over the hills.
there are children everywhere.
and I sit down and redefine my love anew. It's not like it seems always. It's not like you think it has to be always, but it IS what it is. word!
so I pack up my mind and enter a new room: independence and courageous support. silently. if he is a gypsy but doesn't want to be there, well, you can't stop him from being in his life, right? so you rediscover the gypsy inside yourself and say: i can love, and be in a relationship that is somewhat loser than you wanted it to be. honey. I still love you.
but i got to leave. it is all good, dude, seriously, i mean,we know better than that. I don't need to sell tears and I don't need to be weak when i am actually strong. it is what it is.
just - don't die yet. please.
Wet Questions
What about the corpses in the Seine?
Do you know the names of any poets?
Can you say a prayer fit for a clone?
Should you say "ofay" if you're not white?
Cuz I found a letter written on the shore
The words in the water tell you what I saw
Who was Genji Monogatari?
Serious beauty is a plague?
In another size would it be yours?
Don't you ever read Bazooka Joey?
Cuz I found a letter written on the shore
The words in the water tell you what I saw
Would it be a crime to sell a tear?
Could you take it a raw with sugar cane?
Je suis venu te dire que je m'en vais
Je suis venu te dire que je m'en vais
Cuz I found a letter written on the shore
The words in the water tell you what I saw
I paste the lyrics further down for your pleasure.
Lost are the moments of bitter tears, like a reflection in unsteady water, blurred, somewhat fickle.
This is how you fog up your sunglasses that shelter your eyes from the world out there. Nobody can see your eyes, red from tears that keep on rolling despite your wild entangled thoughts that in a swirlwind rock the caroussel of a tight rope dance over an abyss of madness.
Almost scared that you indulge into the self-pittying sentiments of tragic love-stories, of a dead lover, a broken heart and uncontrolled sobbing in the face of a seemingly cruel and indifferent destiny you try to catch a glance of the clouds in the blue, immaculate Californian sky but your glasses are steamed up and you can't see anything really: underneath there is the real pain and it doesn't care about any crazy, sinful, absurd, sentimental thoughts that you come up with to punish yourself, to torture yourself, to put yourself down, instead of up, - which would be what he needs now, in those difficult times.
'but, but.... it's always been fucking difficult! those three weeks of innocently holding hands have passed too quickly! he's been doing that for the third time now! you have a vacation - boom, he almost dies. How long will you be able to take this, huh????' that's so out of context honey. you have plenty of energy and resources to survive way worse times. sober up. please. of course the images of a funeral and a dead heart broken wild child cross your mind. of course the horrifying self-massacring glimpse into a train of thought that is best described as morbid, makes you bite your tongue. it is so morbid...he, dying, and you heart broken, and one problem less, life taking your decisions in it's own hands. child, child, don't let yourself be fooled. these are tricks your mind is playing. you are alright. you are okay. you don't feel that way for real.
because underneath all of this crazyiness, there is a pure lake of tears at the bottom of your heart, it is called love.
on Hollywood Blvd she sits down with Priscilla, a punk-girl from LA. She shares bubblegum and health pistachios 'they are healthy' she says and laughs, her eyes are so pretty and the bluegreen hair; my favorite color. she saves up money for whiskey and finds a guy who has the same charger as her phone, he hooks her up, little things make the day and Hector gets a tatoo. 'she is such a cutie' Priscilla says on the phone to her friend Jesse, who wants to talk to me and says I sound hot. Germans, hahaha, ah, so attractive.
a kite in the sky over the hills.
there are children everywhere.
and I sit down and redefine my love anew. It's not like it seems always. It's not like you think it has to be always, but it IS what it is. word!
so I pack up my mind and enter a new room: independence and courageous support. silently. if he is a gypsy but doesn't want to be there, well, you can't stop him from being in his life, right? so you rediscover the gypsy inside yourself and say: i can love, and be in a relationship that is somewhat loser than you wanted it to be. honey. I still love you.
but i got to leave. it is all good, dude, seriously, i mean,we know better than that. I don't need to sell tears and I don't need to be weak when i am actually strong. it is what it is.
just - don't die yet. please.
Wet Questions
What about the corpses in the Seine?
Do you know the names of any poets?
Can you say a prayer fit for a clone?
Should you say "ofay" if you're not white?
Cuz I found a letter written on the shore
The words in the water tell you what I saw
Who was Genji Monogatari?
Serious beauty is a plague?
In another size would it be yours?
Don't you ever read Bazooka Joey?
Cuz I found a letter written on the shore
The words in the water tell you what I saw
Would it be a crime to sell a tear?
Could you take it a raw with sugar cane?
Je suis venu te dire que je m'en vais
Je suis venu te dire que je m'en vais
Cuz I found a letter written on the shore
The words in the water tell you what I saw
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
changes
for some reason the most irritating thing ever is, when your feelings change.
change in general, i think, is most welcome and most feared by many of us.
we always crave it, once we have it, it scares the shit out of us, cuz we have no idea how to label this change, we don't have any boxes prepared yet, although we should have kept one open just in case the change would come by and knock at the door, right???
so, changing feelings are scary like hell.
if it was up to me, I'd dwell for ever in the mystically beautiful realms of butterfly-love, exclusive love, exqusite love, seventh' cloud love. you know...
and in the same time I always say, hey, you got to put effort in it! nothing comes for free etc pp, the whole 'investment called luck' stuff.
so there was some changes coming around, popping by so to say and i spent many hours at night and during the day at the verge of crying just because I was so scared. The change of feelings changed the color of the glasses I was looking at the world up until then and the world looked so weird through those new glasses, the future looked painful because it showed me many decisions that I possible most probably would have to make and so forth, it was a living hell of very few moments in the now and very many moments in the later, filled with sour wine of twisted mindfucks.
ah.
and then, after doing nothing for a whole day and much unwanted but self-imposed space it dawned even to my childishly freaked out mind, that no matter what I thought I felt as a change in my heart didn't really affect the core of the love I feel and live for him.
no matter what happens, this guy is like crazy important to my life, to my heart, to my mind, to my body, to my soul and whatever I do.
In every aspect, in the negative and the positive, in adapting and in diverting from what he wants.
wow. that's been a trip, really. whatever we have to go through huh?
and all those analytical thoughts don't matter in the end of the day when the missing kicks in big time.
like my very wise Mom said: just practice a lot guitar and everything will turn out just fine.
It's not so much about making all the right moves all the time but putting effort into things with all your heart.
and don't let your mind fuck too much with your heart. seriously. don't.
things will be what they will be and are. que sera, sera.
and until then, I love you just as I do. crazy.
and even if this is a new trick of my much lamented of mind, even if this is a trick just to make me feel more secure about my heart and destiny - even though I might blend myself or jump into illusions .... I don't care.
You are still the only thing that keeps me here and that makes sense after all. You are, you are, you are, you are!!!!!!!!!!
change in general, i think, is most welcome and most feared by many of us.
we always crave it, once we have it, it scares the shit out of us, cuz we have no idea how to label this change, we don't have any boxes prepared yet, although we should have kept one open just in case the change would come by and knock at the door, right???
so, changing feelings are scary like hell.
if it was up to me, I'd dwell for ever in the mystically beautiful realms of butterfly-love, exclusive love, exqusite love, seventh' cloud love. you know...
and in the same time I always say, hey, you got to put effort in it! nothing comes for free etc pp, the whole 'investment called luck' stuff.
so there was some changes coming around, popping by so to say and i spent many hours at night and during the day at the verge of crying just because I was so scared. The change of feelings changed the color of the glasses I was looking at the world up until then and the world looked so weird through those new glasses, the future looked painful because it showed me many decisions that I possible most probably would have to make and so forth, it was a living hell of very few moments in the now and very many moments in the later, filled with sour wine of twisted mindfucks.
ah.
and then, after doing nothing for a whole day and much unwanted but self-imposed space it dawned even to my childishly freaked out mind, that no matter what I thought I felt as a change in my heart didn't really affect the core of the love I feel and live for him.
no matter what happens, this guy is like crazy important to my life, to my heart, to my mind, to my body, to my soul and whatever I do.
In every aspect, in the negative and the positive, in adapting and in diverting from what he wants.
wow. that's been a trip, really. whatever we have to go through huh?
and all those analytical thoughts don't matter in the end of the day when the missing kicks in big time.
like my very wise Mom said: just practice a lot guitar and everything will turn out just fine.
It's not so much about making all the right moves all the time but putting effort into things with all your heart.
and don't let your mind fuck too much with your heart. seriously. don't.
things will be what they will be and are. que sera, sera.
and until then, I love you just as I do. crazy.
and even if this is a new trick of my much lamented of mind, even if this is a trick just to make me feel more secure about my heart and destiny - even though I might blend myself or jump into illusions .... I don't care.
You are still the only thing that keeps me here and that makes sense after all. You are, you are, you are, you are!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
the weirdest thing
is.....
that I somehow don't miss him at all
and it s so fucking scary
so i call him in the middle of whatever
and to just make sure that he is existent
and then i wonder
why it is so damn easy for me
to feel
so single
so self-suficient
so ready to go where ever
when ever
so unreasonably wild
that I somehow don't miss him at all
and it s so fucking scary
so i call him in the middle of whatever
and to just make sure that he is existent
and then i wonder
why it is so damn easy for me
to feel
so single
so self-suficient
so ready to go where ever
when ever
so unreasonably wild
Letters to the Inconnu
I can't really write all the time about my worries to my wife (no, she is not my wife, she is my friend but it is an insider you won't get it so don't think about it) so I decided to write letters to an 'Inconnu', the unknown, out there somewhere, maybe like a message in a bottle that I throw in the sea of the blogosea yeah.
Dear Inconnu, Hollywood, June 20, 2006
My heart beats faster when I am listening to Gogol Bordello, Gypsy Punk, and I think of my wife and how it made all more sense as long as she was around. It is so weird, don't get me wrong, being with my love makes a lot of sense too, but there is a difference:
With him it is also scary to be, because as soon as my thoughts about my future kick in I see myself clearly not staying here and it is inherent in the nature of the future, that things are very uncertain, even though your heart might love insanly. There is always the misbenefit of a doubt.
My mom sais I should believe in the power of love. But matter of fact, when my wife was here, she kept everything together somehow. I didn't know that then but I see it now.
So I have to grow up now and take my life in my own hands and stop worrying so much. I have a good plan. Heart, why don't you stop worrying?
Ah there is so much to do and see out there. And all those travellers look for a home and for a heart and it is somewhat ridiculous to still feel like that although you found this heart.
Yah.
The problem is, I can't even go travelling now to see whether it is just the lack of travelling that makes me crazy because even that doesn't make SENSE right now, you know? I need to save the money up for my trip to Brazil. I can't go to Brazil now already because that wouldn't make sense either. So I am stuck in feeling that everything gets robbed of it's sense.
I guess I need to find this place to be self-suficient no matter where. I mean this place within.
Okay. So I hope....
ahm
I gotta go
good bye
oh man that's so weird. wah
Dear Inconnu, Hollywood, June 20, 2006
My heart beats faster when I am listening to Gogol Bordello, Gypsy Punk, and I think of my wife and how it made all more sense as long as she was around. It is so weird, don't get me wrong, being with my love makes a lot of sense too, but there is a difference:
With him it is also scary to be, because as soon as my thoughts about my future kick in I see myself clearly not staying here and it is inherent in the nature of the future, that things are very uncertain, even though your heart might love insanly. There is always the misbenefit of a doubt.
My mom sais I should believe in the power of love. But matter of fact, when my wife was here, she kept everything together somehow. I didn't know that then but I see it now.
So I have to grow up now and take my life in my own hands and stop worrying so much. I have a good plan. Heart, why don't you stop worrying?
Ah there is so much to do and see out there. And all those travellers look for a home and for a heart and it is somewhat ridiculous to still feel like that although you found this heart.
Yah.
The problem is, I can't even go travelling now to see whether it is just the lack of travelling that makes me crazy because even that doesn't make SENSE right now, you know? I need to save the money up for my trip to Brazil. I can't go to Brazil now already because that wouldn't make sense either. So I am stuck in feeling that everything gets robbed of it's sense.
I guess I need to find this place to be self-suficient no matter where. I mean this place within.
Okay. So I hope....
ahm
I gotta go
good bye
oh man that's so weird. wah
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