secretary

I have a diploma as a manager secretary since 2004. Haven't work as one though...
Watched 'The Secretary' today.
Made me think.

Submissive/Dominant.

I am usually described as a dominant person, I have always been in leading positions (school, youthgroups, even as kids, playing 'Western' or 'Orphans'). Rejected guys that I was in love with throughout my adolescent years.

However, I felt I was too tolerant in a way. I wasn't dominant at all once I wanted him. He had been in love with me for such a long time but then just gave up. Who can blame him. I blamed the drugs. And always wondered whether I should have been somehow more dominant, demanding, or whatever, to save him. But, matter of fact, I wasn't.

Then I met Mr. Asshole.
Tall, black, asshole. Very charming in his own way. I was infatuated with him for a whole year, saw him three or four times during this year and basically held contact by writing and fighting with him via emails and phone.
Gosh, he was such a jerk.
But there was something that really astonished me: I seemed not to be myself anymore. I thought, well, that's maybe how I am when I am with a man because I hadn't had any relationship experience before that and I can't really count this either a relationship experience... But whatever.

I was so.... shy, so wanting him to be happy first, - we argued a lot, and it was fun! but other than that I was generally very submissive and eager to please him. For his credit it has to be said, that he, although being a complete jerk, did not take advantage of this situation, I still was a virgin and had this thing that I wanted to remain such until I was 21 and he completely respected that. But then again, when a guy can get head ...

anyways. When I got together with my ex in the big city I found, to my surprise, that this time I was the jerk. It really disappointed me in a way. I mean, I was still cute and sweet and all those things that people are very quick to say about me (to my disappointment though. who wouldn't want to be 'gorgeous, hot and sexy' instead of 'cute and sweet'??!!) but he was so good to me, such a nice Gentleman, so ready to adjust to whatever I presented to him that I somehow couldn't deal with that. I became the jerk. What a shame. Our first time sex was kind of very interesting too. I wanted him to be on top but he convinced me to be on top and I didn't like it. Not, that I dislike it in general, but I just think, that it was kind of very symbollically speaking for us...

And now, as I look at my relationship with my Love, I realize that I actually really LIKE it, when a man takes over. I like it when he tells me what to do, I am, again, very eager to make him feel good and happy, I still argue a lot and can bring my points across....but if he wouldn't be like that, I couldn't be with him. I am emancipated but I love being a woman in THAT sense.