white comfort zone

this is my last refuge. other than pathetic, sobbing songs in the obscurity of the night I have returned to writing more and more as it is less pathetically heart throbbing than those songs, trust me with that.
it is a white comfort zone in which i pour this pain that hits me from behind all of the sudden, again. it cools down, like hot honey in snow and just like honey candy as my mom used to make it way back in the days in rural Alaska (is that a joke or something? almost all of Alaska is 'rural' lol) it freezes to a certain form, influenced by gravity, physics, the one who pours.
I pour. I just came back from watching a movie with my neighbor. He cooks a lot and invites us every now and then, today he had rice with egg. Cuban food. I am enjoying myself, watching the movie and all that, no doubt. But in reality, my love, i don't. you ask me to be happy and i ask you do mean without you? and you say yes. i know i can be happy dont worry about that. but right now it just hurts. i cry
i cry for this loss i feel. the loss of a love that has been so special in the most profound way: it was a one in a million coincidence that we met and fell for each other like this. to be loved like you loved me and to be able to love you back as i loved you is a miracle. it is a contemporary miracle. all we did could have been better and probably is done better right now somewhere. but it is not the actual facts. it is the power behind those facts. it is our souls intertwined in love. and i love you so much and i cant bear the thought to be without you in my life. nothing makes really sense. i guess that's a common feeling when people just break up. i dont care. it hurts so bad. we both dont want it. maybe you are stronger than i and you just do what is needed. ah God.
to go out into the world and help. without you? to watch movies. without you? to cook. without you? to eat. without you? to take a shower. without you? to go food shopping. without you? to be. without you?
the white comfort zone feels cold. it is freezing cold. my tears burn holes into the snow. my tears freeze to ice on my cheeks. my heart burns in loves unrequited pangs
and in tears i smile because i just spit out the words 'unrequited pangs' without consciously knowing what they meant. they mean, however, eaxactly what it feels like.