zoo tiger

like a tiger in a zoo. restlessly pounding the same few square meters back and forth, trying to not show the quivering waves of pain that are sending their armies of tears through my soul. bob dylan is the soundtrack, it soothes a little bit and makes it all the worse in the same time. 'it's all over now baby blue'. a helicopter in the sky. somewhere a criminal, running, breathing heavily, trying to hide. it's even more difficult to run and hide from yourself. courageously facing it. face down, knees to your nose. my toes curl but not in ecstasy - in the attempt to get back in control. to monitor the despair, to give myself a chance to breathe. why is it so difficult. restlessly wandering back and forth. what to do? practice. find a job. get the financial aid stuff done. do all these things. and when i look at the watch again, it is already one hour later. how fast the time runs. without you. so i write a message saying:

i miss you in my life. its the biggest loss to not have you as an
every day partner anymore, that i think i ve ever experienced. its
liberating in a very incomplete sense. because no matter what i do
something is missing. a weird mix of pain and smiles, gratefulness and
regret fill that missing space. all i do is pray for each of us my love
to do the right thing. to find the right way. to be close to God every
minute of the day and the nights without each other.

it is the biggest loss i've ever experienced, when i think about it, yes it is. for real. the biggest loss in my short life....it was the biggest love, too...so it's only fair, no????? oh. my. hm. oh God.. well, well, well.

'you must leave now, take what you need you think will last. but whatever you wish to keep, you better grab it fast. yonder stands your orphan with his gun. crying like a fire in the sun. look how the saints are coming through. and it's all over now baby blue. -the highway is for gamblers better use your sense. take what you ve gathered from coincidence. the empty handed painter from your streets is drawing crazy patterns on your sheets. the sky too is folding under you. and its all over now baby blue. - all your sea sick sailors they are rowing home. your empty handed army is going home. your lover who just walked out the door has taken all his blankets from the floor. the carpet too, is moving under you. and it's all over now baby blue. - leave your stepping stones behind now something new calls for you. forget the dead you've left, they will not follow you. the vagabond who is wrapping at your door is standing in the clothes that you once wore. strike another match go start anew. and its all over now, Baby Blue.' bob dylan