bad habit

lose the habit i think
but this strange urge urges me to go back to the computer and check whether you maybe wrote me in the meanwhile. my phone is with me constantly it is ridiculous. nobody calls me anyways anymore. almost. and you don't. and it doesn't make sense. the worst is my hands that in conjunction with my heaed try and play nasty tricks on me, like writing you although i forbid myself to do so. or type your number into my phone although i forbid myself to do so as well. or to dream of you (that i can't change unfortunately) calling me, a way too real dream that I awake from in the morning with the irresistable urge to reach over to the phone (since you are not next to me anymore) and call you with my sweet still dreamy morning voice. to give you my smile through the phone. to make both of us feel the pain again. to remind both of us what a crime it was we committed to separate. to make myself hurt and to hurt you. but i catch myself in the last minute and think: lose the bad habit. and the time creeps on and i don't do anything reasonable and i wish i could call sick and just lay there, staring at the ceiling, waiting until this pms induced nightmare is over.