the morning after

it all tumbles down in my memory
i replayed every moment five thousand times and i can't find any solace in any of it, alas. people tell me well meant things. give it time, get over it. you are not over it. let it go. and in the early morning when she is still sleeping and nobody called i sit with my friend the guitar and just try to convert some of it at last, but alas, to no avail, all it does is opening the shutters to the well of tears and sorrow.
after lecturing me about the insignificance of heart related problems compared to the 'real' problems of life and 'making it' he was facing now he admitted everything. about this girl i had been jealous about. how my intuition had been right about that. it doesn't change a thing that the way i reacted was utterly and completely destructive to our love but it does make me cringe and cry quietly, hidden, forbidden, when i think about it. i was done wrong man. i was done wrong. my poor heart. it opened so wide. it trusted so much. and it wasn't met. aw, how much that hurts. and of course, it hurts to think that had i been more mature everything would have been different. but instead i tried to manage by communicating to him, thinking he would actually go and make a difference for me. because he loved me. now he is so completely gone, it is sad, to see all these walls. it hurts, yeah. it does. i know i am not the first one and i won't be the last. but that too, doesn't help now. and he was right. yes, i always find a way to cope with anything. yes, my life could be technically worse than his but i always make it good somehow. but no, that's not an invitation to trample over my heart. and no, matters of the heart are not insignificant. when you die, you will see.
the morning after is bittersweet and hard. there is no attempt of communication on his part, this girl is in love with me he says and now they decided to make it this 'thing'. oh okay. oh, ohwell. tears swell. what the fuck. how could you throw it all away. when it meant everything to me. when i gave everything. how could you take so much and come back for the rest and how could you possibly disappoint me so terribly much..how could you be the guy you had been warning me about. and i trusted you to care...aw. it will pass.