Letters to the Inconnu

I can't really write all the time about my worries to my wife (no, she is not my wife, she is my friend but it is an insider you won't get it so don't think about it) so I decided to write letters to an 'Inconnu', the unknown, out there somewhere, maybe like a message in a bottle that I throw in the sea of the blogosea yeah.

Dear Inconnu, Hollywood, June 20, 2006

My heart beats faster when I am listening to Gogol Bordello, Gypsy Punk, and I think of my wife and how it made all more sense as long as she was around. It is so weird, don't get me wrong, being with my love makes a lot of sense too, but there is a difference:
With him it is also scary to be, because as soon as my thoughts about my future kick in I see myself clearly not staying here and it is inherent in the nature of the future, that things are very uncertain, even though your heart might love insanly. There is always the misbenefit of a doubt.
My mom sais I should believe in the power of love. But matter of fact, when my wife was here, she kept everything together somehow. I didn't know that then but I see it now.
So I have to grow up now and take my life in my own hands and stop worrying so much. I have a good plan. Heart, why don't you stop worrying?
Ah there is so much to do and see out there. And all those travellers look for a home and for a heart and it is somewhat ridiculous to still feel like that although you found this heart.
Yah.
The problem is, I can't even go travelling now to see whether it is just the lack of travelling that makes me crazy because even that doesn't make SENSE right now, you know? I need to save the money up for my trip to Brazil. I can't go to Brazil now already because that wouldn't make sense either. So I am stuck in feeling that everything gets robbed of it's sense.

I guess I need to find this place to be self-suficient no matter where. I mean this place within.
Okay. So I hope....

ahm
I gotta go

good bye


oh man that's so weird. wah

into the vastness of emptiness

It's not like I had anything to say and it is certainly not like anybody would read this anyways.
And yet there is something about this vastness of emptiness inside of a startled soul that shimmers like a little but warm candle light in the middle of a forlorn night...and don't get me wrong, light is vast, unless there are obstacles...
but obstacles have worn off, under the guidance of time's wings brushing sand dunes into endless variations of forms and even remote feelings of missing or lacking something or someone only echo within, never giving away what the origin of sound really was. And the mind is too clumsy to grasp that essence, rotating around it's own axis of evil.

Foreworn gazes in a forlorn night. In obscurity. The lover sits at the internet cafe table two plastic cups in front of him, a candle light fickle but unexhaustedly disguising a band aid like shelter and a pen and a book but nothing to write in it.
It is the reflective mind, the contemplating loser, who wallows in his own pettiness or should I say greatness of being pressed through the old human-becoming mill of love and life.
Then, suddenly, there is this homeless black guy. Black like the night, only his white fro shimmers like the moon but his eyes have lost it long ago. The homeless woman, maybe he attacked her verbally, shuns him away, she is voluptuos and authority is radiating like liquid energy around her.
He looks up, angelic like curly hair, Raphael might have painted the blueprint for this man.
And smiles.
I smile back and we start communicating through the glass, laughing, because it is weird and we don't understand everything and finally he comes in and we start talking.
As usual when strangers meet in magical circumstances, and this cafe certainly is a magical spot I tell ya, the talk goes from A to B without interruption and we find ourselves in a conversation about mathematics and love and my paintings and investment called luck, did I mention love.
The lover is not a contemplative loser but a lover of mathematics who is searching his mind in idleness for underlying simple questions of more complicated problems.
And he turns his head too, because he is a man and beautiful, to look at the beauty of bypassing booty.

it's always a good decision to come here.
and the magic of human beings envelops and enbosoms me against/in the fury of time.
and enthusiasm, linguistically, means: in the presence of god

in obscurity

I am but the light doesn't matter anymore
when the twilight gets a hold of my sould and ben harper gets back to me
and i realize that it doesn't matter what even the most beloved one thinks about your taste
you just lean back and let it flow into your soul
nothing distracts you
and even though you don't understand you feel it
and even though you are lost you will be found
and even though you might be crashed against the riffs you will survive
and even though you make terrible mistakes you live
and even though you take a wrong road you will learn
and even though you are desperate you breathe
and even though you feel your chest is so heavy in obscurity you have a chest
and then everything resolves into floating dawnness of the mind

and you turn around and see a light
and you turn around and see someone calling
and you turn around and see the land

because we are all captains on this eternal sea of life

and nothing else matters but everything
and care is the bringer of pain and salvation
and illusions and blending sources of light and assumptions and misconceptions and misunderstandings
are what they are
ha ha ha

continental shiftings

I wish my Dad hadn't tried in a joke to make me come back or get more serious about my decisions and I feel how you are shtifting away and it hurts and it is so nerve-wreckingly exhausting to speed up and grasp your soul.
fleeting thoughts turn into thorns and all I have is nervous laughter and a healer running after us on Venice Beachwalk, trying to impress us with his knowledge about where it hurts. Neck, he says to me, I feel something in your neck. Dude, I feel that too and it sucks, it is a pressure, a nervously stressing monkey in my neck that won't give me peace until I rest in His arms I guess.
Ah, if it wasn't only that difficult. Why does this most beautiful thing in the world have to come in such a difficult package.
Diffused love.
Infused love.
Obtrusion, of love. I looked obtrustion up, it felt so good on my tongue and then i realized that indeed, i could even spit it out here, it fits so well.
ouch. it hurts when continents are shifting and we know the results are always -
devastating
but I can't live in fear like that.
why don't you go and marry this girl that loves you so insanly much. and live in peace ever after. you wouldn't have to change anything. just become the best in your field, make her a lot of money and sweet sweet Romanian babies.
*vomits silently but nervously in the corner*
the neck, the healer was right, but I smiled and said, no I don't feel any pain there. Take care, see that you don't drain yourself. He smiled knowingly and I just moved on, frustrated, oh so frustrated.

don't you think it would make everything easier, if I just left, as foreseen, close the chapter, that we wrote together and do what the whole world was awaiting me to do and you too.

wouldn't that be just awesomely easy

oh it hurts in my chest too. like a concrete block heavy.

happy without you

It's like, I could be so happy without you because I have been happy before you and it would be so easy to not be considerate and it would be so easy to not miss you as much and it would be so easy to be completely free of any bonds and obligations, it would be so easy without you
at first glance
It's like, I could have been happy without you before i knew you and before you turned around and became my prince, layer for layer you revealed a little more and now I am completely yours, i am your queen I am your all and I am your now and your tomorrow
but the past bothers me and all the other sides
and i feel like crying in the afternoon haze
and i feel like drifting away and you are my only drift wood I could hold onto
I would keep on floating with you even if there was a water fall
because falling with you would be less beautiful and hitting the ground probably would be fatal but oh so meaningful
and i feel like I forget about who you are
just so you could become the moon again
in the dawn
shimmering so seductively silver like a mocking smile in the eye of the night sky
just so you could become this yearning again
in the night and boiling hot afternoons
that bring the sweat out and made me feel so dizzy and desperate in the search for a well or a fountain
and you could become the mountains and the ocean again, calling me from far away
and the sweet melody of a heart throbbing violin around the corner of the river flowing so mysteriously gently and yet fatally destined to meet the sea
you could become the smile again of a stranger passing by and the wonderment of the what if
you could become the thing again that i was looking for in every one I met, gazing into their, eyes, hoping to meet your soul
it makes me desperate to have found and not to have lost
it makes me so afraid that the lost is yet to come
and it makes me so afraid that the found hasn't come yet
and then i black out
and wake up in your arms, in your smile, in your sweet morning love and care
and wonder where I were

all this time

PSYCHO MANIACS

First of all: How can a person who is so off track bring someone back on track?
He is effing 44 years old, twice her age, he has a wife and a son and 'loves' her.
Apparently his wife sees too 'that the girl couldn't make it without him' and accepts therefore the fact that he abandoned her bed for the sake of her.
However, she wasn't even sure whether or not she wanted to be with him. But he made her belief that she needs to be, he loves her so insanly much like noone before, and hey, he is so sensitive.
He needs trust and openess in the relationship. Communication

I have been friend with 'the girl' for 16 years and Lord knows, I have had difficulties with her lack of communication skills. But you know what? God created us in DIVERSITY.
So everybody thought that all is cool, she was very happy that finally someone tackled her problems and she did whatever he asked her to, because she realized that otherwise this relationship would end.
yeah.
emotional manipulation par excellence. Now she feels like the dirtiest slut on earth, morally at the end of her little rope, pyschologically wretched, all because of what she did wrong.
The men were the first target. All her affairs etc received 'cancellation messages'.
Then some of her friends.
I didn't know of that until now.
Because, as it turned out, I am on the list too

A call at 4 AM.
'You need to seek a Therapist too' she said in a voice that didn't sound like her at all 'and we can't keep in contact for now I can't have any chaos around me, be good, bye'

then a mail, with basically the same contents, adding, that I sure wouldn't want her to go down the drain together with me.

*silence*

ahm, down the drain?
the mail was carbon copied to her dad, her sister and our common best friend.
transparence, how this psycho maniac said, is needed, you guys need to get to know the 'real' her.

to me that feels like: peel the skin off and let everybody touch the raw flesh in order to heal the wound. DUH????
a soul needs secrets and darkness too, and some thing you should only discuss with your shrink not the whole world.
does he want the all of us to think she is this slut that betrayed him too?
what about him?
doesn't he betray his wife?
his son?
himself?
just because he makes it obvious it doesn't hurt less, does it?

I am not going down the drain. I found the prince. I am trying to find my way now together with him . I am studying. I am fine.

and I am so damn far away. someone needs to get her out of there. She is never alone anymore. She can't see her friends by herself anymore, for the fear of her 'falling back into old patterns'. She can't talk alone on the phone no more. And she seems to even not write her mails anymore by herself.

FUCK THIS PSYCHO MANIAC

what do you do, when someone manipulates? legally he doesn't do anything wrong but he is about to break her low self-esteem entirely and her soul won't be able to bare all this for much longer. And eventually she will go crazy asshole.

thank you very much for caring.

and now, how about going and fuck your stupid ass wife

HOW do You do that?

Spirals of Love

How do you do that? Ho do you make me fall in love with you again and again, like in neverending spirals, that dig deep into the last forsaken corners of my soul and in the same time elevate it so high that the air around it starts tasting pure and purer - like light in spring winds - and then all your words bare fruits that taste sweet and refreshing although at times the growing seemed so bitter and the hard way and your eyes grow flowers like appletrees blossoming in blissful colors and scent, and all the blue-turqoise of virgin nights that fall upon Hollywood's hills through my window carry the sweetest velvet memories of your touch and your thoughts and being and caring in a whisper to my ears that earlier encountered the overwhelming warmth and depth of your kiss.
How do you do that my love, my lover and friend, how do you rise from the deepest grounds so high with your wonderful wings that carry me and guide me and protect me oh so unspeakably perfect now?

And then I see
We both are in the danger and the protection and the bliss and the pain of love's embrace, His wings that we entrust ourselves like children do, carried away to grow together in His light, wisdom, presence, His love, to guide us both, us small lovers to reach beyond the expected and known.

RAPE

she was raped by her tango teacher. never said a word. i even read her diaries secretely. never found a word. got busted for stealing. never heard a word. corrupted her soul. didn't know how to say NO. many dudes, over a dozen, in a year. couldn't say no. now she is so, so -
devastated
aggravated
ashamed and full of hatred
love is dripping down her wings
she doesn't know how to sing no more
it all stopped at once
when the clock stopped ticking
but her soul kept clicking
away

and the pain of being blind
the pain of being deaf
to her silent outcries
is outreagous

and when you look around
in disbelief to the two faced past
you can't help but laugh
children, children, don't you worry
fight or bother
this is nothing
nothing
nothing
compared to this disguise

time heals wounds they say
but never when you hide them
they have been rotting her mind away
and now she fights not to be forgotten
or forsaken

oh viola

The Freedom of Movement

turned the light off. candles on. long skirts, swinging with every step we take. she gave me earrings, big, silver, noisy, like little bells ratteling in the wind when the music takes me and swirls my neck around like a flower in the wind.
We dance in the rhythm and in the mood of GOGOL BORDELLO. Gypsy-Punk from New York, Immigrants. My eyes and my heart open up wide, I jump on the chair and rotate and jump and don't care anymore about how it would like, it is only and only about how it feels now, my hips against my upper body, my arms in waves through air and space and time and my legs frantically answering the driving rhythms.
it is love in movement
and love is freedom
and freedom is here in the living room of our little one bedroom apartment while the birds are singing themselves to sleep.
who ever said that you need a club is awfully wrong.
it is everywhere, on the street, in sunshine, in rain, in the room, in the shower, but most importantly: in YOURSELF. it is... the joy of life, untinted, undistorted. it is pure and you have it from birth unless you gradually learn how to exxagerate it with substances and subsequently lose the ability to see the key in your hand when it assumes the color of your skin.
it is love in movement
and love is freedom in restriction
and freedom is within me
with the light i see

ah when we were done i sure needed to take a shower, my Gypsy called, my voice was breathless and my heart was pumping.
I was unconditionally happy.

BITCH

So you had it, hm? Little girl…Ah, it’s such a big step now, huh, to claim your place, to demand respect and have your friends get back in line. Ah, sure, it gets lonely, when the line of lined up people gets thinned out. You have to keep your little sheep in check baby, because seriously, that’s all you’ve got.
And when it rains really really hard there is always a sister or a guy who gets pussy, or a smile, who will pamper you and lick your little pretty ass. I wonder how it tastes. The mess you left behind smelled like old pussy but you do take showers often, it’s very obvious, I kind of couldn’t help but feel it with my naked feet when I come into the bathroom or take a shower myself. You are nasty.

Ah, how anger fills my breast now, it competes with your bosom. It’s so easy to be mad at a pretty girl, it’s ridiculous. I could crush you in a second, like crums for pigeons. I wish I could be a bird and let my shit happen on your fake ass brunette hair. Blonde suited you much better. And now, that the clouds have clouded and gathered at the horizon and now that you have let it rain in the living room I feel like dancing on your immaturity if it wasn’t for my own integrity. I have a hard time not to gossip about you already. What if I had to trade in my pride not to be so Paris Hilton like and pee on your oversugared smile? That would be really bad.
Seriously, I feel bad for you.
You are such a petty nimble mind. Adorable. Caring, to some extend and such a bitch.

So you had it? Hm? Little woman. Ah, it’s such a big step now, now that your boyfriend brainwashed you accordingly. Friends are cheap, they have a good deal at Vons.
And when you are all alone you can hold yourself tight, because, you said, you are your own best friend.
And now I can’t help but pitty you, you little petty girl. It must suck to have a bitch as a best friend. Suck.

faint like a whispered dream

Faint like a whispered dream
But I feel like
I don’t belong here
And this feeling comes back to haunt me
Despite all the clarifying revealing traits of psychology
Stuck in my enthused mind
And amazed soul of a wild child
It’s something internal
Nothing I could change
Or influence
Like a bad cancer
It comes back every now and then
And there is nothing I could change in my mind
To make this go away for good
Because it is not in my mindset
But in my soul
And a calling from the distant nowhere
And the terrible terrible terrible exhausting
Mind boggeling
Assumption that speaks to me in a low, almost inaudible voice
In grey inbetween hours
How I still have to be courageous and move on
And be accountable to God
And God only

Because there was a bargain
But I just fucking don’t remember what it was exactly about
And I’ve spent the last years searching
Feeling right when I was on track
And now, I create future
I don’t want to be God at all
Not even a Goddess
I want to follow my calling
Which though,
How unfortunate and exhaustingly saddening
Is so faint like a whispered dream

pms is around and it makes my life hard.
i don't know anymore
they didn't accept me at haverford (which i actually
expected to happen because i didn't take care of the
financial aid stuff in time and in the end i didn't
want ti really cuz of dany....) and now my future
looks like two tracks and the 'switch plates' are not set
yet. one future is very clear and cut: being back in
euorpe. i would eventually study in paris i guess or
russia
back to my roots, to waldorf things and saving the
world and being a brilliant minded student
but leaving my Gypsy
and the other future includes him, is very obscure, i
can't see it at all in the fog and looking at it
instigates a lot of fears of betrayal (do i betray my
goals what to accomplish in life? does his way to look
at things over realistically without expecting
miracles as i am used to create unnecessary borders?)
fears of making a big mistake, fears of being too
serious at too young an age, fears of askese as
opposed to celebration of life, fears of losing my way
in love

it is mind boggeling

caustic doubts

I am so mad. So mad these doubts are leaking in. Like a dark, very caustic liquid set to destroy the base I am relying on.
I tried so hard to keep them out, in the beginning I even didn't have to bother but now.
I am scared.