earthquake

go away from my window, go at your own chosen speed.
it ain't me babe, it ain't me you looking for babe.


things shrink proportionally
what matters changes
regrets well taken
flight well deserved
but the earthquake sometimes
shakes it all into proportion

that's when you stop and think
damn, where have we been
where are all my loved ones

I like to spend some time in Mozambique
The sunny sky is aqua blue
and all the couples dancing cheek to cheek
it's very nice to stay a week or two
and maybe fall in love just me and you

You made it there somehow

and you're a big girl now...

now I understand how it is possible
to have loved
and then see each other again at court
bitter words and nothing left
tears of rage
eyes lost

mhhhh. see what you can do
i can make it through
you can make it too

so I will pack and go to the big city again
leave the farm and the kid behind
there, behind the big old house with the billy-goat, with his big horns and the bumblebees
go to where the desperate reside
in big grey masses
bringing light into the confusion
with some love and sound
while you leave your dreams somewhere
that once belonged to us
you laugh so cold now
about all that, say it's lost
and what you whisper at night now is
you're right
none of my business
no more

i know where i can find you
ohh, in somebody's room
it's a price i have to pay
you're a big girl all the way

time is a jetplane it moves too fast
oh but what a shame that all we shared can't last

I was less great than expected
ruining the good that was left
the best girl for all your heart and time
now at the brink of turning bitter
how could i forgive such a travestie,
how could i possibly find back
i am only looking forward now
with rage in my heart
ready to conquer and kill
glistening darkness at my fingertips
lost all touch


i can change i swear
see what you can do
i can make it through
you can make it too

...

like a cork screw to my heart

In My Life

I don't remember anything in my soul
it's all so faint and two dimensional now as a tale that I've heard a long time ago.
And it's only been two weeks. Oh, well, maybe already two years of parting, if you want to look at it that way. Without music everything fades even faster. Some songs will bring it all back to me, the feelings, the knowledge of the bond, the affection, the convictions, the - love.
But I don't love you anymore. It's been taking me that long. But now I can say it and it seems to be true - for now, at least.
I remember that my dad told me once that if I want to know what I truly feel I'd have to stop listening to music for a while. To find what is truly inside of me, and not taken in or triggered by music. I haven't been listening to much music lately, because I've been working a lot and it has taken me far from that road we traveled for so long.
I don't know what will be in my life. I still would love to show you some things here. But now it's past dusk and I gotta go. Maybe sometime else. In a different life.
When we can love and live together.

New Moon

A New Moon
Darkest night
A new moon and a new night.

Funny, how suddenly only half heartedly I feel sorry
for not being nice about this
I guess it's because I've seen the good life
A kiss through the window
a happy kid and good food for lunch

your disrespect seems so outrageous
and yet I can't really care all that much


Really, it doesn't matter at all actually
and I could just let it go by

I could
But I don't want to let it slide.
I want to make a point.
Cold. Straight. Disillusioned.
Knowing that there is more.

A new moon rising.

not yet

no words yet
really
to grasp what is happening
in front of my very eyes

i am so far
and so near
from and to
anywhere

when i hear your voices
i remember and recall
and want to jump in the red chevy
and listen to some puerto rican reggae
run into the ocean or ride down Marguerita Avenue
with the sun and the wind in my hair

but now it is the thick green
that holds me captive
the quirly swirly sounds of the creeks
the crows in the cloudy skies
the rolling hills dancing with thunder

i've seen it all

and the music remains the same

'i hear the clock tick'

stick to it

He sang them, in all kinds of ways, sometimes he would deny them, sometimes he would bring them up out of the blue, sometimes he would piss you off, showing no care.
He might have seemed pathetic and pitiful at some point but as he went through he came through, slowly but surely, until not only he but also the rest of the world believed it.
Wounds healed over time or so it seems. The frames that contained them still look pretty impressive but sometimes he can't help but destroy them with one big stroke, smashing them, shattering them, enraged that they are the invisible anchor to memories that are gone.
But so we all keep going. In my cage behind glass windows I watch the grey street morph into a liquid stream of lead, telling stories of yet another life in slow motion.
People still cheer him on, scrambling for the shattered pieces of old picture frames.
And I am so far away from anything, you are safe behind seven veils and songs become songs, valid in themselves, and whatever emotions flooded through me just kept on flowing and left me stranded at some moon filled bay without compass or sense.
Sometimes I think that maybe we just loved him, that our love reflected off this big full moon and when it declined we left, sucked into the black that hid all that was ours. This thunderstorm swirled me in outrageous spirals and spit me out at some sidewalk in Berlin where everything seems so calm and people hurry but they can't hurt me.
And my love is not fazed nor faded, it lingers in the midst of unspoken words and lies, in melodies too sweet to bare and naked dreams that fill your night mares.
I do not understand anything that is happening to me nor to you, I just feel how the oceans and mountains and plains and timezones separate the anguish from pain.

Down Slow

Down Slow is playing in my head. Carina Round. We used to be neighbors on Wilcox Avenue. Different planet, different world. Now I am walking these grey streets and the morning is dawning. Boy, you can get used to everything closing at 2 AM, but there is something special about the early early morning hours after a long doubtful night.
I remember staring at the tree leaves illuminated by some street lights, feeling so calm inside that it was almost scary. Like a storm before the big run.
Where have I been hiding so long from my own thoughts?
I remember everything so clearly now.
Why did I let any of this happen to me?
How come I never walked away just like that before tonight?
There is no reason to have patience with ridiculous behavior.
What is it in me that makes me wanna deal with it?
What in the world is wrong with me???
The difference in my reaction didn't go unnoticed. I saw him be puzzled, try to manipulate, fail, try harder, try to make amends. Wow, it's all up to me, isn't it. The power of my actions spoke loud and clearly. The calm inside turning into the eye of a storm that ravaged his gardens of conceit.
It was so easy to remain there, strong in my newfound position that walking into the dawn when we finally parted almost frustrated me.
Where have I been for so long?
What kind of games have I been playing?
Who but myself can take me serious?
I grew stronger in the morning light, more determined and clearminded. I felt the urge to go and talk to my sweetheart of another world, another life, but I just kept walking instead. Seeing the dead walking the streets. The pale faces, the shadowy eyes, the empty looks. People who would be on the street if it wasn't for the well fare system. Who head straight to the next dive bar. Who are puzzled when you smile at them. Questions of my own direction muddled with the razor sharp cries paved into the streets laid out in front of my eyes : politicians filling their lives with meaning by fighting for change for the people they can't see anymore from behind the tinted limousine windows. Teachers who fight for one soul at a time, people who try to survive a day at a time. Businessmen keeping their minds busy with dusty acts that have an expiration date on them. Artists who try to find meaning in what they do. And how it is all revolving and revolving around the same stories. How nothing ever really changes. How, in the end of the day, it actually is the love that matters in our life.
Passing an old church I am almost at the point to let the thunderclouds rain on me.
Either you just live a simple life and let the things speak to you or you need some sort of spirituality in your life to survive this. Or so it feels to me at this point.
Nothing makes really sense to me otherwise. It can't be so absurd really. It can't be so hard. So sad.So fucking redundant.
I want to talk to you and talk of angels I knew. I want to touch your soul again and let the feathers of your wings stroke my pumping heart. I want to reverse past injuries and let the sun shine on them. I want you to grow strong.

But then I am home and watch her sleep like you used to do with me.
My newfound position and strength to walk away pulsing underneath my breath. The sweetness of her sleep. So peaceful. So good to grant our body that rest. Her early morning stories as incoherent and random as mine probably. How she falls back to sleep after the soft spoken slumbered words.
And the music takes me back to where hurt is and where I could have walked away. When I didn't - and still, I am here now. Driven far. Finding new ground under my feet. Mourning a love, a life, a world beyond my hearts comprehension.

Down slow, fall.

not you

it's been three years. he still doesn't look anything like himself on that picture on the roof, with the flowers, the sun, the red brick chimney, the blue sky.
the view isn't like a sunset anymore but there are trees and the floor is made of hardwood. he makes himself some food, peaches and cottage cheese, offers me blueberries, some smiles.
his roommate is watching tv with his daughter and when i tell him i also speak Germa he says he already knows. the couch is made of black leather, his daughter is ten and looks like a blonde California girl.
after he shows me his new tracks we start arguing later when it was that we met first; he is set on fall but i know for a fact it was spring. a spring full of confusions and later we met again, in deeper states of my confusion under palmtrees and ocean breezes.
as i hold him so he can't hold me too much i fight memories and thoughts that evade my mind. it's a concentrated effort and i'm sure i could just get rid of it in the blink of an eye but it doesn't really seem like i want to. i'm complicated i say, i am guarded, not ready to let go. the idea of yummy playfulness makes me giddy but there are these voices fighting inside, i turn to the side, shh, shh, lullaby.
i feel like a little girl all over again.
i feel like i live in a fast forwarded future. we all knew it would come to this. didn't we? and he is so breath taking, with the curls and how he stands so tall and these eyes...and it's only been four and a half months and i just can't forget that he is not you.

Berlin

berlin spreads its dark wings and huddles me in. i cough and breath and fear to lose conscience. my tears don't dry in the rain and johnny cash is playing. blue night engulfs my heart. i wish i wish i wish i was here. my soul is lingering somewhere still high up in the clouds. singing the song of a dying swan headed north.
oso plays and urges me to think of the things i got. better to lose your photos than your life in a flood. i think of the pacific ocean of course and the alleyways and the strange days that had found me. of good byes and other impossibilities. that it must have been a relief that i left. and i wonder what words mean at all. and if he has ever loved. oh have i loved. boy. the rain is streaming down and it's hard to keep track of the caleidoscope of memories that flood in. how i really loved the northern midwest and the westcoast. new york, and still, in the distance, new orleans. austin, texas, and portland, oregon. a miriad of possibilities. letters to be written.
people only vaguely smiling back at me in these grey streets here. my New York friend anguished because her man is determined to move to Berlin. i know now, i know now. i know.
berlin, you got me back. it's hard to find ground under my feet. people so familiar and yet foreign. so cultured and grounded. so ignorant in their own right. nobody even asks how it is over there.

falling away with you by Muse

Sitting at LAX waiting for my flight to Berlin I hit random on itunes and thats what came up: falling away with you by Muse.
It was weird, it struck a chord with me, I checked the lyrics out and it was so oddly fitting although I dont quite agree with the melancholy, but yes, yes, it indeed exists. I dont know what will happen. our lives just have begun. but i love . i do.


I can't remember when it was good
moments of happiness elude
maybe I just misunderstood

all of the love we left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories I will never find

so I'll love whatever you become
and forget the reckless things we've done
I think our lives have just begun
I think our lives have just begun

and I'll feel my world crumbling,
and I'll I feel my life crumbling
and feel my soul crumbling away
and falling away,
falling away with you

staying awake to chase a dream
tasting the air you're breathing in
I hope I won't forget a thing

promise to hold you close and pray
watching the fantasies decay
nothing will ever stay the same

and all of the love we threw away
and all of the hopes we've cherished fade
making the same mistakes again
making the same mistakes again

and I feel my world crumbling,
and I feel my life crumbling down,
I can feel my soul crumbling away,
and falling away,
falling away with you

all of the love we left behind
watching the flash backs intertwine
memories I will never find
memories I will never find

Hey that's no way to say good bye

Serendipity of life.
You in Aby's apartment. The smell just like back then. We used to make good food here you say and good love I add, then there is silence again.
It was good love. Nashville Skyline and you taking the bus and the metro while I was fluttering with excitement and anticipation, peeking out onto the cold grey street to see if you were coming already, with your cloudy hair.
Hey, I say, I have a song for you.
It is 'Hey, that's no way to say good bye'
It is perfect. I feel your heartbeat, I feel the salty waters, I feel, how things come together. There is so much longing and that's what I love. I love, that human beings long. It makes us sing and dance and philosophy and belief. It makes us sad, it makes us glad, it makes us keep on going. It is okay when we can't always back everything up. It is okay as long as are growing a learning.
ah.

some people have real problems

she woke up just like me, early, in the wee.
not to lament silly things, like cracks in walls, no, she felt her breasts hurting again, looking at them after she peed she thought, my, they are so big. back in bed she couldn't fall back asleep. so she jumped up and jumped in the car and bought one of these god damn pregnancy tests.
she called at 6:54 and I was surprised. my love what you calling so early? i know, she sobbed. i know. but i just got this pregnancy test......................

it's just so fucking damn ironic. i know people who try so hard.
bad timing, bad situation. ideed, life happens.

wee

it's the wee morning hours that create problems. at night my capacity to tolerate and understand infinitely grows but when i wake up it's all gone. then i just sit still and stare blankly into the void. how are things different i ask myself? that he lets her do sth i know he would have never tolerated had i done it? doesn't he hate fucking myspace? and... isn't the problem really that he just lets her love him so exaggeratedly without paying any respect or tribute to what happened with us??? yes, i feel disrespected. oh, the wee morning hours. not a good time to talk. i'm just pissed for a minute. just pissed.

because, i can't stop thinking here now, can i. got to look at myself too. well, just because it was important to me i respected it. but come on, it's not like i hadn't had tons of fun too. gosh this is silly.
good morning everyone